Syrian menace Bashar al-Assad, cartoon menace Butthead.
THE WORLD IS A FREAK SHOW. DON’T MISS ANY OF IT.
Syrian menace Bashar al-Assad, cartoon menace Butthead.
Here’s a sneak preview of what the Santorum campaign has on the drawing board.
Lots of paint. Not a lot of room.
Gordy, our in-house hacker (and sometimes writer) at Alligators In The Sewer, decided to tear apart his desktop PC yesterday - out of sheer boredom. He had never been overly pleased with the 1996-vintage computer we set up for him, a fact which probably helped justify his destructive tendencies that day. Farking ingrate.
But the ancient Dell box came equipped with two 3.5 inch floppy drives, and with the aid of a kludged controller and a few lines of code burned onto a ROM, Gordy managed to entertain us all with a few bars of the Imperial March.
…that was, until about the fourth time it was played, when Tina took a hammer to the whole thing.
AITS editor-in-chief and all-around douchenozzle Stormin’ Norman surprised the bajeebus out of us at headquarters today by doing something so out of place and so uncharacteristic that we still can’t believe this shit.
He took us to lunch.
And paid for it.
With a check that didn’t bounce.
Will wonders never cease.
The squeeky-tight bastard actually sprung 35 bucks to treat the entire Alligators In The Sewer staff to a new eatery just around the corner. That’s right–Tina, Gordy, Phil, Maynard and Norm–all getting lunch on the AITS dime.
This is the delicious repast we all enjoyed…
Quick on the heels of the most recent sand storm–lately referred to as a haboob–citizens of the Phoenix, Arizona area are drawing attention to what some believe is the surreptitious addition of a foreign word to the English language.
Just days after the dust settled (literally), a new storm was brewing–in the form of protests. Angry residents formed picket lines outside the local offices of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, demanding that the agency go back to using the term “sand storm.”
Over 150 protesters turned out in the 100-plus degree midday heat yesterday to call attention to what they claim is an “erosion of our language.” Many were carrying signs and placards, with captions like “we don’t like funy words.” (sic) Others just showed up in front of NOAA’s headquarters to voice their outrage over what they say is a confusing and alien-sounding word with no place in the American vocabulary.
“Why do we need some Arab word to describe something that is pure Arizona?,” shouted a man through a bullhorn. “We like our dust devils just fine the way they are!”
“I don’t want my children learning some word that has “boob” in it,” said a large, 30-ish woman on a scooter, holding a sign. “It’s un-American!”
Within minutes, the lively crowd erupted into a chant: “Read our lips, no new words! Read our lips, no new words!…”
Several drivers honked as they drove by the noisy group. Others just stared out the windows with bewildered looks on their faces.
According to Phoenix police, the demonstrators went about their protest rather peacefully, with no arrests made. The assembly lasted just over an hour, long enough for the people to realize it wasn’t such a great idea to stand out there in the scorching sun. One by one, they gradually shuffled over to a nearby bar for drinks.
Meanwhile, a counter-demonstration of a half dozen English teachers had assembled across the street, in support of the new word and protesting the protesters’ apparent inability to spell or form a coherent statement.
Residents of Phoenix, Arizona were treated to yet another massive sand storm recently, the second in less than a month. And, as with the previous storm, most of the region’s four million inhabitants were completely unprepared, due to few realizing that the new word used to describe the event–haboob–means sand storm. As such, it was no surprise that the local media’s haboob blitzkrieg failed to alert the populace. Most went about their daily business, blissfully ignorant of the impending disaster.
“I heard the morning zoo guys on the radio yapping about this haboob thing coming to town,” said local bank teller Emily Wartzenhofer, stuck in traffic on a Scottsdale freeway. “I just thought it was some new Cirque du Soleil show.”
Like millions of others, Wartzenhofer was completely oblivious to the incoming blizzard of sand and dirt that would sweep through the entire metro area like a 110-degree sand blaster.
Haboob, a word used for centuries by Bedouin tribesmen, translates roughly to “it chaps the camel’s ass.” The word has recently become a favorite buzzword among the area’s media elite. However, haboob has yet to catch on with those outside the broadcasting industry. The term is absent from any standard English-language dictionary, though there is an obscure Wikipedia page devoted to it.
“Why can’t they just call the damn things what they are–sand storms,” lamented a long-time Phoenix resident. “We don’t need some new-fangled foreign word for this thing. My daddy lived through the dust-bowl thirties. They didn’t call them haboobs or hobknobs or kabobs or whatever, either.”
Many are angry over this lack of effective communication from weather forecasters.
“Dammit, I’ve got four inches of grit and grime on my rooftop and dunes in my yard!,” shouted an irate north Phoenix man. “Haboob my ass…it’s farkin’ sand!”
Meanwhile in southern California, weather forecasters are reconsidering their plans to rename the Santa Ana winds sarsarun, which basically translates to “searing flatulence from a goat.”
Ousted and busted News International CEO Rebekah Brooks. Mask character “Rocky” Dennis.
The economy has been in the tank for three years and the floundering U.S. auto industry has been on government-provided life-support for almost as long. Yet you’d never know it by looking at some of the perks enjoyed by assembly-line workers at Chrysler’s Jefferson North Plant in Detroit, and its Trenton Engine Plant in Trenton, Mich.
The latest creature comfort enjoyed by the Michigan auto workers: paid 90-minute lunch breaks where UAW employees can enjoy free, employer-provided beer and brats on company grounds. The workers are even allowed to light up marijuana (something not provided by Chrysler–at least not in their current contract).
“I know it looks kind of hinky,” admitted an unnamed Chrysler spokesman. “But dammit, we’ve tried just about everything under the sun to get these guys motivated. Letting them blow off a little steam–and some reefer–over lunchtime has really brought up morale around here. I’m OK with that.”
Every weekday from 11:30 until 1:00, the company parking lots are filled to capacity with boozy, stoned autoworkers. They drink, they smoke, they carry on and have a great time. And surprisingly, brawls are rare. The much-needed break seems to work quite well for the thousands of unionized workers. As long as the employees do it outside the factory walls, pretty much anything goes–with the company’s full blessing.
When one group of giddy workers was asked by a reporter if the alcohol and pot-laced lunchtime activities created dangers back inside the plant, a shop foreman dropped his beer and quipped, “Don’t you know?–Hell, the robots do all the work! These boys just stand on the line and watch ‘em roll through. Ya’ can’t get hurt doing that, unless you fall down on your face, and that’s been known to happen a time or two!” When pressed on whether it has had an adverse effect on the company’s product, he added, “We’re the third place automaker in a town no longer known for building quality. It’s not like these cars and trucks could get any shittier!”
With the latest news reports touting the discovery of pornographic material - lots of it - on Osama bin Laden’s computer, we at Alligators In The Sewer just couldn’t resist the temptation to pounce on the story.
It seems the dead wanker terrorist’s computer has become a treasure-trove of goodies, with new discoveries being turned up every day. What will they come up with next! Through anonymous sources we have received a partial list of some of the things Osama bin Fapping to:
9. “Fatwa Fatties”
8. “Debbie Does Dijbouti”
7. “Deep Goat”
6. “Cameltoe Fetishes”
4. “Burkakke 4: Glazing The Drape”
3. “Tehran Her A New One”
2. “Turban Cowboys”
1. “Jihad Me At Hello”
Shoot Osama bin Laden from the comfort and relative safety of your mom’s basement. Be a hero.
In case you hadn’t noticed, we have ended the long “sabbatical” from publishing our annoying and useless material on Alligators In The Sewer. Which means there are now a few brand new posts of annoying and useless material for your late-night reading. Our contribution from the past couple weeks. Like an antibiotic-resistant strain of jock itch, the entire cast of idiots has returned to AITS. Mainly because none of us managed to find gainful employment anywhere else during our seven-month hiatus. We all really need the money, so here we are, like it or not.
Now if we can keep the collection agencies and student loan people from finding us…
The whole AITS fambly made it back to HQ: Norm, Tina, Gordy, Maynard, Phil Usher, Weather Dog, Bug the Cat…plus occasional visits by Erik the Creepy IT Guy. Even Nigel, AITS legal counsel, made a brief appearance yesterday. He checked the fridge, noticed there was no beer, then pissed on the floor and left. Yep, we’re back to normal.
There’s just one nagging little problem. Our beloved headquarters is slated for demolition. The city needs the land to build a storage shed for its fleet of dump trucks, and local priorities being what they are, we will be getting the boot in a couple of weeks. Norm is busy looking at equally shitty, run-down properties around our ghetto neighborhood, so once we find a suitable (and cheap) place to rent the transition should be rather seamless.
Just days after the brilliantly executed Seal Team raid on Osama bin Laden’s summer digs in Abbottabad, Pakistan, CIA analysts have begun the tedious process of examining the hard drives taken from the dead terrorist leader’s compound. Here are highlights of what computer forensics have turned up so far on bin Laden’s computer:
10. Gigabytes and gigabytes of camel porn. (Go ahead: click the link. You know you want to.)
9. Toby Keith mp3 downloads.
8. Two infidels, one cup.
7. An active Friendster account. (He’s been off the grid a long, LOOOONG time!)
6. Overdue Netflix discs of season 1 “Sex And The City.”
5. AOL greeting announcing “You’ve got visitors!”
4. RIAA subpoena for illegal Toby Keith downloads.
3. Microsoft Flight Simulator X.
2. Skype account for late night prank calling Julian Assange.
1. His brains.
An almost perfectly-aimed NATO missile launched at Muammar Gaddafi’s headquarters in Tripoli yesterday barely missed the embattled Libyan dictator, but not without killing one of his sons and three grandchildren. The ensuing detonation also leveled a large portion of Gadhafi’s palace compound, reducing it to a pile of rubble.
Gaddafi, (right - seen a recent picnic), is becoming increasingly worried about his possible fate.
“I’m down five so far!,” exclaimed the embattled Libyan despot, referring to the recent casualties, plus the step child he lost in a 1987 U.S. attack.
Although the dictator still has seven children and numerous grandchildren remaining, he is deeply concerned that his supply - and his luck - will eventually run out.
“Who will be there to draw fire on my behalf when all my kids are gone?,” lamented Gaddafi from an undisclosed bunker on the outskirts of the city. “People just don’t want to volunteer to be decoys anymore. There’s no sense of civic responsibility today.”
Michele now has a running mate.
After a summer of unusually high rainfall followed by torrential September storms, the entire state of North Dakota is now completely submerged by a shallow lake. Most of the state’s 700,000 residents have been forced to seek higher ground in neighboring states as emergency crews assist with disaster efforts.
“I’ve never seen so much goddamn water in all my years,” exclaimed a 78-year-old farmer as he loaded his personal belongings into a flat-bottomed boat at his home near Fargo. “Hell, even the Red River flooding was never this bad.”
In fact, the almost perfectly flat Great Plains state hasn’t had this much water in over 10,000 years. The problem began in July as Devils Lake, the state’s largest, began swelling due to summer rains.
The flooded area now covers almost exactly the same geographical expanse as the ancient Lake Agassiz, which was created thousands of years ago by melting glaciers. The new lake, which averages about three feet in depth, has expanded across the entire state, washing out crops of wheat, corn and sunflowers in the process. The only terrain features not submerged are a few Badlands hilltops in the western part of the state.
Red Cross teams scoured the state in watercraft and helicopters, providing assistance to residents stranded atop houses, trees and grain silos. Massive evacuation orders were given in the cities of Fargo, Grand Forks and Bismarck, with National Guard troops sent in to help. Electricity and gas lines have been shut off statewide as an extra precaution. Fortunately, there were no reports of fatalities or serious injuries, as most evacuees were able to simply wade out of their homes.
The swelling lake has North Dakota’s neighbors on edge. South Dakota governor Mike Rounds has called on volunteers to help sand bag that state’s 400-mile-long border shared with its inundated neighbor.
“We don’t want any of that spilling over down here,” said Rounds in a press conference in Pierre. “We’ve got enough of our own problems, thank you very much.”
It is expected that the new lake will eventually be drained off by the Missouri River, and N.D. residents will be able to return to their homes in a month or two.
Acquiescing to mounting pressure from critics around the globe, a Florida pastor has decided to tone down his church’s proposed Qu’ran burning ceremony, scheduled for 9/11. The Rev. Terry Jones, flamboyant leader of Gainesville’s Dove World Outreach Center, has changed the theme of the upcoming event to a Qu’ran cookoff contest, offering cash prizes to the best dishes that incorporate pages of the Muslim holy book.
“We’re having a Bar-B-Qu’ran!,” exclaimed the excited Jones from the steps of his tiny chapel. “Get it? BAR…BEE…CUE…RAN……he he…oh never mind, dammit!”
Church members showed off some of their culinary offerings during a practice run in the church basement kitchen yesterday.
“Needs a bit more pepper, and maybe a pinch of oregano,” said one parishioner as he took a sip of his Quran stew, simmering away in a large black kettle.” But the book’s ink really gives it that one-of-a-kind flavor.”
Another contest hopeful was busy putting the finishing touches on her dish of orange roughy sauteed in butter with a creamy bearnaise sauce and asparagus spears, served on a stack of torn-out pages from the book.
Yet another chef wannabe, who only identified himself as “Bomb-Head Mohammed,” was beaming with pride while frying up an odd-looking concoction of breaded catfish rolled in couple pages from the Quran. “This’ll be tastier than Chick-Fil-A!”
The cookoff, which is scheduled for September 11, the ninth anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks, has attracted far less attention from critics in the Islamic world, and more attention from local food critics. Over 700 tickets for the event have been sold, already with crowds of over 3000 expected by Saturday.
Meanwhile, reactions from Muslim nations appear to be subdued, with only minor street protests in Tehran and in a few cities in Pakistan.
Some nutty dude in the Czech Republic bailing out of a cargo plane at 14,000 feet on a rubber raft with a Rubik’s Cube. (We’re not making this shit up.) They wouldn’t let him pull his ripcord until the puzzle was solved. Talk about pressure.
Looks like something we’d try….after a session of heavy drinking.
In what is seen as a sure sign of the continued recession, the United States Postal Service has begun a pilot program of hiring homeless people to deliver mail in certain areas. The program, called “Hobo Heroes,” has been test marketed in 25 of the largest cities in the U.S. this summer.
The Hobo Heroes program recruits homeless people from shelters, street corners, methadone clinics, under bridges, etc. The new recruits are then shown a 30-minute training video then sent out on delivery routes. The street people are typically paid far less than their regular counterparts, usually in the form of vouchers at WalMart or area liquor stores. This enables USPS to save up to $300 a day in staffing expenses per delivery person. The Postal Service was able to sidestep minimum wage laws by invoking an obscure clause in a decades-old federal statute that applies only to the USPS.
“It gets ‘em off the streets and into something better,” exclaimed Jake Brodock, spokesman for the USPS. “They’re already hauling shit around on those beat up bikes and shopping carts anyway, so why not make them useful while they’re going about their meaningless days?”
Business and residential customers alike have responded well to the new delivery carriers.
“They smell kinda funky and they mumble a lot,” said the owner of a bodega in St. Louis. “But they’re harmless, they do a damn fine job and all they ask for in return is maybe a smoke and something to eat. I don’t know why more businesses don’t do this - they could save a shitload of money!”
“The bum we got on our street is really creepy,” added an elderly woman, shopping at the bodega. “But just as long as he brings me my mail-order meds and cigarettes, I don’t give a damn what he looks like.”
The USPS expects to save over 160 million in labor expenses next year due to the program. Since its implementation two months ago, Hobo Heroes has been successful in every market, with strong approval from even the Post Office’s harshest critics.
Not surprisingly, the new program hasn’t proved popular with the letter carriers’ unions.
Said one union steward at the downtown Philadelphia Post Office branch: “Cheap bastards!”
But Brodock staunchly defended the move. “It’s not like stamps are going to get any cheaper any time soon,” the postal spokesman argued. “Gotta cut somewhere!”
The Hobo Heroes program is expected to be phased in to more cities and towns over the next three years.