The leader of a fundamentalist church in Louisville, Kentucky invited his congregation to pack heat at the church’s Sunday services last week.  Ken Pagano, a former Marine Corps drill instructor and pastor of the New Bethel Church, thought it would be great fun to see how many of his congregation would show up with handguns. The church planned to celebrate the Second Amendment, play martial music, and set up a gun show and swap meet after the morning services.

Not surprisingly, nearly all of the congregation showed up fully armed. Then the fun began when one member’s .357 magnum accidentally discharged, lodging a bullet in the ceiling of the chapel. No one was hurt in the mishap. But the moment the errant pistol discharged, nearly the whole congregation dropped to the floor between the pews, weapons drawn. Several more shots were fired into the air as a response, and again, no one was hurt, though several stained glass windows were broken. A few bullets also ricocheted off the pipe organ.

The commotion finally subsided when Pagano urged the flock to calm down.

“Everybody stand down…holster your weapons!,” shouted the gruff Pagano over the chapel’s P.A. system. “There’s no attack on us, no invasion. Someone’s revolver just went off. It was just an accident.”

Sheriff deputies responding to reports of shots fired arrived at the church only to find its congregation standing in the aisles, laughing and carrying on as if nothing had happened. A few members were cleaning their pistols, while others were showing theirs off to fellow members.

“Folks ’round here just need to let off some steam,” said an unidentified deputy. “Reverend Pagano does this every year, and the church always gets a few new holes in the ceiling and walls. But ain’t nobody ever been hurt. It’s good, clean, all-American fun.”

A BASE jumper took a rare opportunity today to get a jump start on the proposed re-dedication of the Statue of Liberty. Just a few weeks before the July 4 reopening of the statue’s crown, a man among a small group of tourists slipped into the statue unnoticed, then climbed out one of the windows in the crown and parachuted from the perch nearly 300 feet up.

According to National Park Service employees at the site, the man brought his chute inside a large backpack. While the group was being led along the base of the statue, the man dropped out of the group, and quickly gained entrance into the statue’s interior. By the time anyone noticed his absence, the parachutist was seen crawling out of the crown, then quickly jumped, opening his parachute after a couple seconds of freefall. The interior of the Statue of Liberty has been closed to visitors since the September 11 terrorist attacks nearly eight years ago.

After landing, the BASE jumper was taken into custody by park personnel. In a brief interview with the press later that day, Ryan Argyle, a National Park Service spokesman, gave a statement:

“The jumper, identified as one Kevin King, was among the morning tour group earlier today, when he left the group and entered the statue,” said the spokesman. “He gained access to the statute through a small service door, located in the right big toe of Miss Liberty. The padlock on the service door had apparently been left unlocked by a groundskeeper,” added Argyle. “Apparently, Mr. King is in rather good shape, as it only took him a few minutes to climb the 400-plus stairs to the crown, after which time he exited the statue, deploying his parachute.”

King was being held by federal authorities on charges of trespassing, hooliganism, and being a public nuisance.

With the full blessing of the Obama administration, 16 Chinese Muslim detainees will be moved out of the Guantanamo Bay detention center to compete on the TV reality show Survivor. The Gitmo detainees will be flown to the Pacific nation of Palau, where they will spend 3 months on the island attempting to outwit, outplay and outlast one another. The stakes are high this time: the winner will receive one million dollars and a full presidential pardon. The 15 losing contestants will be re-incarcerated at a Supermax prison in Colorado.

The show’s season, tentatively entitled Survivor: Gitmo Jailbreak, will focus on the detainees’ viciousness, craft and cunning - skills which probably got them stuck in Guantanamo in the first place. Challenges may involve such activities as paintball fights, cave construction and creating simulated explosives from household chemicals.

Security will be tight during filming of the series. Several of previous seasons’ contestants have been brought back as “celebrity” security guards, and issued rifles and ammunition for what may become a novel means of voting someone off the island if things get out of hand.

Palau President Johnson Toribiong is ecstatic over news of the filming. “This kind of publicity is a welcome shot in the arm for our sagging tourism industry,” said Toribiong, with a sly grin. “The nation of Palau is honored to host this year’s Survivor show. May the best man win!”

Nineties pop group Chumbawamba kicked off its first North American tour in years, playing to a not-so-full house at Kemper Arena in Kansas City. Lacking a repertoire of songs, the British group concentrated on its sole hit from 1997, “Tubthumping.” So much so that they performed it 11 times consecutively before the befuddled crowd of 600.

In an attempt to vary the performance, the band, now with only two original members, played each version of the song differently, changing tempo and style each time, and even went into a different key for the 11th incarnation. Nevertheless, the plan didn’t work.

As the group segued from one installment of the tune to the next, audience members became restless, booing, throwing things on stage and gradually filing out of the stands. The venue, which seats nearly 20,000, looked quite sparse with the paltry attendance of 600 fans at the start of the show. It was completely empty when the band awkwardly returned to the stage for an encore 12th version of its hit. The band played the first couple bars of the song, then the lead singer, realizing that no one remained in the seats and spotting the arena’s custodial staff sweeping up, said “fuck it!” into the microphone, and the group left the stage.

It didn’t help that the concert’s opening act, Los del Rio, played its one hit, “Macarena,” nine times in a row, which put the audience in a particularly bad mood before Chumbawamba took the stage.

No word if the group will continue its U.S. tour, though ticket sales are reportedly weak.

As if we don’t pay the guy enough here at AITS…Gordy, our senior staff writer, has now started a sideline business for the summer. Our favorite creepy guy will now spend his Saturdays and Sundays slithering through various Minneapolis and St. Paul neighborhoods behind the wheel of an ice cream truck.

Gordy picked up a used van from the scary preacher down the street from AITS headquarters. The one who always carries ominous signs and yells into a bullhorn about the “end of times.” The slightly off-kilter reverend apparently needed some extra cash, and dumped…err…sold his “customized” van to Gordy for the fire-sale price of only $900. Isn’t it a real beaut? The custom paint job brought giggles galore to the AITS staffers when Gordy rolled it up the the curb. He offered to give us all a ride, but alas, no takers. In fact, no one at Alligators In The Sewer headquarters even wanted to get in the thing, much less take a ride in it.

“Don’t park that P.O.S. out front of our headquarters,” barked Norm. “We don’t want people around here thinking we actually had something to do with that shit.”

“You plan on painting over all that garbage on the sides of the van?,” inquired Tina.

“Nope, don’t think so,” replied Gordy in his usual apathetic, stoner monotone. “I like it that way. Gets attention. Got yours, didn’t it?”

“You are quite the attention-whore,” taunted Tina, getting in one more jab at her co-worker.

After Gordy showed us his deluxe ride, and the laughter subsided, we all decided to help him select an appropriate song for him to play as he prowls Twin Cities residential neighborhoods seeking out buyers of pushups and drumsticks. Turkey in the Straw just won’t cut it. So far it’s a toss-up between The Ministry’s Jesus Built My Hot Rod (Tina’s suggestion) and Van Halen’s Ice Cream Man (Maynard).

We’ll let you know which one gets chosen to be played ad nauseum on the van’s loudspeaker. Or maybe we’ll set up a poll here, once we figure out how to do that. In any case, you’ll be absolutely sure when Gordy is in your neighborhood when you see his abomination-on-wheels cruising down the street and dozens of frightened, screaming kids running for cover.

We’d like to introduce you to a new weblog, Won’t Back Down. A pointedly honest, progressive political site with evocative commentary, accompanied with lots of audio and video. Written by Joe Allen, a longtime friend of the Alligators In The Sewer crew, Allen has his heart in exactly the right place and a sharp mind to follow it.  Allen has decades of experience in the media business, and that background is evident in the clarity of his political analysis. His postings are articulate and well-written. And he’s just getting started…

Give Won’t Back Down a read, and don’t forget to add its RSS feed to your desktop.

A massive vein of high-yield copper ore was discovered this week at a highway construction project in Plymouth, Minnesota. Heavy equipment operators spotted a strange, greenish substance as they were digging near an overpass being constructed in the Minneapolis suburb. Department of Transportation engineers were called in to inspect the substance, and suspecting a copper compound, then brought in a geologist from the University of Minnesota, who confirmed that the mineral was indeed malachite, a high-grade copper ore.

While copper ore deposits have been mined in parts of northeastern Minnesota in the past, never before has it been found in any other part of the state. Finding any mineral in the Twin Cities metro was unheard of.

Construction of the highway has been suspended while geologists try to determine the extent of the ore, and to decide how best to excavate and monetize it. One geologist believes that with the soaring prices for copper, the ore lying beneath the roadway could easily out-value the cost of the highway itself, creating a massive windfall for the state.

After hearing the news, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty was giddy with excitement. “With a five billion dollar state deficit, we’re happy to tap into any new sources of non-tax revenue we can get our hands on,” exclaimed the Governor. “This exciting and unexpected find will help alleviate the tax burden of our citizens.”

Indeed, as geologists continue to discover the expanse of the rich ore deposits, attorneys for the Department of Transportation are considering condemnation proceedings for the surrounding residential properties in order to mine the valuable ore. Mining experts believe that upwards of 100 homeowners may be displaced as mining operations begin.

The producers of the immensely popular series “Lost” have a bonus for its final season next year. It is widely believed that they plan to incorporate some or all of the surviving cast members of the 1960s comedy “Gilligan’s Island” into one or more episodes. The Gilligan’s Island linkup would provide some much-needed comic relief to the intense adventure/drama.

Rumor has it that Tina Louise and Dawn Wells, who played Ginger and Maryann, respectively, have been offered contracts to appear on the series when it resumes next season. No word yet if Russell Johnson’s character, the “Professor,” will also be reprised in the episodes, though some insiders believe his character could be helpful with various plot devices like time machines, electromagnetism, nuclear weapons, etc.

News leaked from inside sources point to the possibility that Ginger and Maryann could be rescued through a 1960s time warp and perhaps even become love interests of some of the “Lost” characters. The first episode involving the cast, given the working title “A Three Hour Tour,” is expected to be aired some time in February 2010.

Stay tuned.

In a sudden and unexpected move, the National Association of Broadcasters (NAB) is lobbying the Obama administration to further delay the digital television changeover, which is currently scheduled to take effect June 12.

In a press release handed down this morning, NAB chief executive Dennis J. Rohr is asking the President to “strongly consider” moving the DTV migration date to October of this year. Rohr cited a number of reasons for the further delay, not the least of which being the fact that, in his words, television in the summer is usually a “barren wasteland of banality,” and that “no one will give a rat’s ass in June what is happening to their TVs when they would rather be outside enjoying summer.”

Rohr asserts that millions of people will simply let the June 12 deadline pass and suddenly find themselves without indoor entertainment once football season and the new fall television lineup begins. The effect on ratings could be devastating.

“We would prefer an October cutover date, as people will be entrenched in NFL and the new shows,” added Rohr. “Let them return to their TV addiction in the fall, and then we’ll set the hook. They won’t have any choice then, he he.”

No word from the President as to whether he will consider the move, though sources in the White House say it would be a long shot, at best, as it would also require Congressional approval.

Mexican health authorities have now lifted the H1N1 flu restrictions on Mexico City.

We now return the country to its regularly scheduled programming of earthquakes, poverty, drug-gang killings, corrupt police and government officials, etc…

We’d like to turn you on to an amazingly funny blog we just discovered - The Plaid Crew. Humor and satire directed at just about anything in our popular culture. Plenty of well-placed shots fired across the bow of current events, culture, politics, and lots of hilarious takes on some of the nutty shit going on in the entertainment world. It’s become a new favorite with the staff here at Alligators In the Sewer, and has been added to our desktop RSS feeds. News at the speed of news. Check it out!

More than four months after Barack Obama had taken office, White House staffers made a shocking discovery last week: that former Vice President Dick Cheney has remained in the White House, quietly living in the basement the whole time. The staffers stumbled upon the ex-V.P.’s secret hideaway one afternoon while setting mousetraps in the cellar.

The former veep was not in his ersatz basement abode at the time of the discovery, but was subjected to intense grilling by Secret Service agents later that day when he tried to return through the cellar door that he had propped open with a brick.

Apparently, Mr. Cheney had set up camp in a small tent in a corner of the basement, with little more amenities than a cot, field latrine, camp stove, portable defibrillator, and a WiFi-enabled laptop. Cheney lived primarily off MREs and bottled water, though he occasionally had pizzas covertly delivered through the back door.

“This place is a mess,” commented an unnamed Secret Service agent. “It looks like a freakin’ college dorm room down here, with pizza boxes and bottles strewn all over the place. It’s amazing that someone could live in this squalor!”

When asked how he evaded Secret Service protection for so long, the former V.P. quipped, “I didn’t get into the position I have…err…had…without knowing how to pull a few tricks of my own. I suppose I really have to leave now.”

Cheney maintained that he hid out in the White House cellar “just to keep an eye on things.”

President Obama gave a brief comment on the matter.

“Get him the hell outta my house,” exclaimed the President. “And do something about those goddamned mice while you’re at it!”

It was a nice spring day - a Saturday - and all of us at AITS were trying to get some work done, so that maybe, just maybe, we might get out in time to enjoy some of it before the sun sets. We had some catching up to do at AITS headquarters after being furloughed for a month and a half, and Maynard’s presence wasn’t helping much. Actually, Maynard’s presence wasn’t helping at all. We wanted - needed - Maynard to get the fuck out of our hair, so Norm told him to take the afternoon off. Go fishing or something. No equipment? No problem. Norm gave him an old curtain rod, ten feet of twine and some paper clips.

Go dig up some worms and check out the drainage pond next to the freeway onramp - we heard it’s stocked, he he.

Late that afternoon, Maynard returned with that grinning, just-humped-the-neighbor’s-cat look on his face. Damned if he didn’t catch some fish, though we couldn’t determine just what mutant species they were. Bastard had a 5-gallon bucket full of some of the most ugly-ass fish we had ever seen. Maynard headed around the back of the AITS building with his bucket and a pocket knife. His dinner awaited, and though he kindly offered up some of his catch to the rest of us, we wanted nothing to do with it.

It’s all yours, Maynard. Bon appetit.

Big mistake: letting Maynard clean the damn things on the back steps. This is what we saw out back as we were leaving that night: