It’s been lurking inside the machine for years - since 1993, to be exact. Crawling about, slowly eating its way through cables and insulation, wreaking havoc on the computer and software that the machine processes. And last week, engineers at Microsoft finally discovered it by accident when they noticed a loud vibrating sound emanating from inside one of the powerful computers used to compile software code for Microsoft’s operating systems in development.

“We thought it was just a cooling fan going on the fritz,” said Napoor Rajkumar, a product test engineer. “But we opened up the CPU and found this hideous insect staring right at us and making this buzzing sound…it was the size of my thumb! And it looked really scary with those big bug-eyes! Eeewww!”

The bug, a 17-year cicada, morphed from larval to pupal stage, and finally to an adult insect. It is believed that the insect larva had nibbled through various connector cables and circuit board components over time, causing minute electronic disturbances which in turn, created glitches in Microsoft’s popular operating systems products, from MS-DOS up to their latest, Windows 7.

The compiler, a special program installed on the computer, is a tool used to process raw code into a usable computer program, a critical stage of software development. It is believed the computer somehow became contaminated with cicada eggs back in the early 1990s, which started the drawn-out problems. The machine, purchased in 1992 from a computer manufacturer in Sioux City, Iowa, likely became contaminated with the bugs while being stored in a warehouse facility near farm fields before it was shipped to Microsoft. Cicadas are a common pest in rural areas of the Midwest.

The troubleshooting success has now been a boon to the giant software maker, which has long been plagued with problems in its Windows operating systems. Those problems are now believed to be completely fixed.

“Ha! We now have the culprit of nearly two decades of software bugs…literally!,” exclaimed a senior software engineer at Microsoft’s Redmond, Washington, headquarters. “A quick downloadable patch and voila! Windows - all versions - will become flawless! This will be the last patch, ever! We’re now good to go!”

Microsoft’s CEO Steve Ballmer was ecstatic over the news. “Now we can lay these quality problems to rest, once and for all,” exclaimed the MS chief, not one to mince words. “I don’t want to hear anyone bitching from this point forward. If our stuff doesn’t work, it’s all on you!”

News of the fix helped buoy Microsoft’s shares up by $1.32 at the end of trading Friday on NASDAQ, closing at $29.56.

The weekend is here. Have a happy Superb Owl Sunday, from the Alligators In The Sewer fambly!

India sinking into earth’s mantle. Geologists have discovered that the Indian subcontinent is gradually sinking, and will eventually drop through the earth’s crust, plunging into the fiery mantle below. But the scientists insist that the event won’t occur for another 60 to 70 years, giving the one billion-plus residents time to “take care of whatever loose ends they may have.” Meanwhile, several companies have begun moving their call centers off shore to places like Sri Lanka and Thailand, just in case the continental shift in India starts to accelerate.

Fundamentalist pastor threatens son with gun. The gunman, 60-year-old Joe Colquit, pastor of St. John Missionary Baptist Church in Alcoa, Tennessee, threatened to kill his 32-year old son, Michael, his wife and children, due to the son’s poor church attendance. So let’s get this straight: the pastor wants to send his son and his son’s family on a fast train to hell, because they were on a slow train to hell for not going to church? We don’t think the pastor thought his cunning plan through.

Fresno wins title of booziest city. In a survey by Men’s Health magazine, Fresno, California, won the dubious distinction of being America’s “drunkest city,” based on an algorithm that takes into account the amount of binge drinking, keg sales, DUI arrests, liver disease, number of frat houses, and other factors. The city’s mayor made the best of the news, stating “for years we’ve lived in the shadows of Los Angeles, San Francisco and Bakersfield. It’s nice to finally get recognition for something.”

[Ed. note: Your fiends at Alligators In The Sewer are now planning an exciting, fun-filled 6-day chartered bus tour and pub crawl to exciting Fresno, CA! Details and reservation information coming soon...]

Rabid raccoons put damper on Central Park activities. New York’s famous Central Park is looking a lot less crowded these days, as people are avoiding the area. The culprits: thousands of wild raccoons, many of which are infected with the rabies virus. After three people had been bitten by the animals in just the past week, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has warned locals and tourists to avoid the park, if at all possible. “Most people generally associate New York with rats,” said Bloomberg at a press conference last Friday. “I never thought raccoons would become the next big thing.”

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who tries to find fulfillment in her social life by placing dating ads in Soldier of Fortune magazine.

A 19-year-old New Zealand woman who only identified herself as “Unigirl” posted an advertisement on eBay, offering to sell her virginity to the highest bidder. The only stipulation: “no freaks.” After 2 weeks of waiting with no bids in sight, Unigirl (right) finally received one taker - an offer of 50 New Zealand dollars (about US$34), from a University of Auckland freshman. Phillip Markoff, a general studies major and member of the Delta Pi fraternity, responded to the ad after being egged on by his inebriated friends.

“I’ve got a fifty-spot and my beer goggles on, mate,” boasted Markoff, after a night of binge drinking. “For that kind of money I’m not expecting a killer babe.”

“More like a ‘kill it with fire’ babe,” retorted one of Markoff’s frat buddies after viewing the ad on Markoff’s laptop.

Due to elevated blood-alcohol levels, Markoff (left) is actually looking forward to his low-rent hookup, and says he’ll do just about anything on a dare.

“Gotta take one for the team, y’know,” added Markoff as he staggered out the door to meet his Unigirl. “Cover me, I’m goin’ in!”

This has been the third online ad of its kind in the past six months in New Zealand, where prostitution is legal, with some fearing the start of a trend. Government officials, while they frown on such shenanigans, nevertheless say the ad violates no laws. A similar stance is taken by eBay, which said in a prepared statement that “as long as the ad comports with local law, we’re cool with it.”

Unigirl, an unemployed art student at a local community college who lives in a homeless shelter, decided to post the ad to sell off her virginity in an effort to get some quick cash for beer and cigarettes.

“Fifty quid ain’t much, but I guess it will get me a carton of smokes and a few pints,” the disappointed Unigirl wrote on her Facebook page. “Well, bring him on, let’s get this over with.”

A massive diesel-powered trencher used in a coal strip mining operation suddenly malfunctioned yesterday, tearing across the countryside in the Ruhr region of Germany. The machine destroyed farm fields and left a smoldering swath of destruction through a small village before it finally came to a halt on the other side of the town. During its three-hour rampage, the trencher ripped a 15m (50ft.) deep trench across pastures and highways, then continued its destructive path through the center of Gelsenkirchen.

The monster machine, dubbed “Bagger 288,” in reference to the number of cubic meters of coal it can unearth every minute, weighs 45,000 tons and stands as tall as a 30-story office building. The trencher can travel five miles and excavate more than 17,000 cubic meters of coal (or anything else for that matter) in an hour. Fortunately no one was hurt in the incident as townspeople were ordered to evacuate while the giant machine closed in on the community. Pandemonium ensued as thousands of frightened residents scrambled for safety.

The mine trencher, built by Krupps (yep, the same people who make those nice coffee makers), experienced an apparent software malfunction and lurched out of the open-pit coal mine. The machine, which travels on an enormous set of tracks, headed straight for the village, just 3 miles away. Officials in the town evacuated the town’s residents just before the massive digger entered the outskirts. The machine literally cut the tiny town in half before running out of fuel in a sheep pasture a couple miles away.

“I’ve never seen such destruction,” exclaimed Fredrik Walling, mayor of the town. “I haven’t seen a town cut in two like this since Berlin!”

Officials at the mine were puzzled and offered no clues as to what caused the machine’s control system to fail.

“In it’s thirty years of operation it’ has never done anything like this,” said Eduard Froehlich, safety officer for Deutsche Steinkholle, which leases and operates the hulking machine. “It eats an occasional car in the mine, but nothing quite like this. Very unfortunate.”

He’s been a fixture around Gobbler’s Knob, Pennsylvania for years. “Punxsutawney Phil,” a large, overfed groundhog, is the bellwether of late-winter weather forecasting. Legend has it that each year on February 2nd, if Phil comes out of his den and sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter are on the way. Conversely, if he doesn’t see his shadow, an early spring is right around the corner. Or is it the other way around?

But due to global warming conditions, poor P-Phil is no longer able to reliably predict the fate of spring. Regardless of whether the critter sees his shadow, all bets are off on the impending climate.

“We knew something wasn’t right with him,” lamented Punxsutawney mayor Jim “Snake” Werhle, master of ceremonies for the annual event. “He comes out of his burrow on Groundhog Day and just looks confused. He stands there for a while, chattering a bit, craps on the ground, then crawls back in. Kinda sad.”

Local radio meteorologist Kent Riley concurred. “When Phil bit the mayor’s hand last February, we figured something was amiss. He’s now thirteen years old - seventy-eight in woodchuck years - and we just thought he was getting cranky in his old age. But it seems the changing weather patterns are a major factor in Phil’s bout of depression.”

Town leaders have decided to retire Phil and donate the animal to a nearby petting zoo. Meanwhile, they’ve started a new tradition for the 2nd day of February.

“We’ve got the local drunk volunteering to come staggering out of his basement to look for his shadow,” said Mayor Werhle. “We doubt he’ll find it.”

It’s what we patiently wait for every New Year: The 50 Most Loathsome Americans, 2009 list from those magnificent bastards at the Buffalo Beast, one of our favorite sites.

Toyota recalls millions of automobiles. The massive recall came on the heels of a revelation that many of the cars were prone to serious accelerator problems, possibly resulting in accidents. Meanwhile, Chrysler Corp. has offered to buy the cars from Toyota and re-badge them for sale, with a company official flatly stating that their customers “generally aren’t that picky about such things.”

Man seen playing with live chicken on NYC subway. The unidentified man, who appeared homeless, pulled the live chicken out of a paper bag and let it run loose inside the subway car. The man then started chasing it down the aisle, while shouting obscenities and flailing his arms. There were no reports that the man choked it, which of course would not be newsworthy.

China bans dog and cat meat. A new law outlaws the consumption of cats and dogs, considered culinary delicacies in many parts of the country. (We didn’t ask if they taste like chicken.) The new legislation, which imposes fines of over $1000 for violations, has been welcomed by animal rights groups throughout the nation. In other news, it was reported that the population of China’s squirrels, rats and raccoons has plummeted in recent months, leaving wildlife officials puzzled.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who, for some reason, mysteriously stopped patronizing his local Chinese restaurant.

In a move to boost crew morale, NASA has set up a high-speed wireless connection to provide Internet access to the International Space Station. It’s a decision the space agency has quickly come to regret. The broadband service, which was switched on last Friday, has dramatically curtailed productivity on board the orbiting space station, with its occupants spending an inordinate amount of time surfing the web, checking email, blogging and downloading files (or uploading, as the case may be).

Now NASA has a big problem: what to do to get the flight crew and scientists aboard to quit goofing off and get back to work.

“This has blown completely out of proportion to our original intent. It was supposed to be just for checking email and an occasional football score,” claimed a NASA network administrator from his office in Houston. “I warned NASA brass that this would happen, but did they listen? Now we have people up there spending all day on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube.”

Online use aboard the station has escalated out of control, with activities on the 280-mile-high Internet cafe going well beyond social networking and eBay. Now NASA is threatening to pull the plug.

“Somebody up there - and we know who it is - has already downloaded twenty-six gigabytes of porn, a shitload of movies off Bit Torrent, and who knows how much music,” lamented a NASA staffer. “Just what the hell those people are doing up there is a mystery to us. They’ve maintained radio silence all week and haven’t performed a single experiment or maintenance operation since Sunday afternoon. I think we’ve created a monster.”

News of the high-flying Internet adventures have spread throughout the media, with Twitter reports being republished on news sites and blogs around the world. Not everyone is amused, with an outraged Congress considering slashing NASA’s budget, and even the RIAA getting into the fray, threatening to sue the astronauts if they don’t stop sharing files.

“If those guys up there think that copyright laws don’t apply in outer space, they are sadly mistaken,” warned Cary Sherman, president of the recording industry group. “We have their IP address.”

Pristine beaches, ancient cities, international intrigue…we have it all…in YEMEN!

Sure, we have our share of danger. Show us an exciting travel hotspot that doesn’t. After all, our problems are nothing you would find terribly out of place in a locale like Detroit, Miami or Oakland. So settle down already. Chill. Get on a plane and come experience the excitement of a strange land with unusual sights, with that “edge” you just won’t find in your run-of-the-mill tourist destination. Get your adrenaline rush right here. It doesn’t get any better than this.

YEMEN. IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BAD.

Phil, your official AITS tour guide, sez: “Ya’ just gotta see this place!” Join your friends from Alligators In The Sewer this spring as we host a fun-packed 7-day vacation to exotic Yemen! Woo Hoo! Check out our itinerary and book your trip today while seats are still available!

THIS ADVERTISEMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE FRIENDLY FOLKS AT THE YEMEN TOURISM PROMOTION BOARD.

Air France announces new policy to help obese passengers. The French airline is now offering a second, adjacent seat free to qualifying passengers with waistlines of 140cm (55in.) or greater. Air France had previously required plus-sized flyers to purchase a second seat. A spokesperson for the airline said the policy change is intended to ensure fairness and to “attract more American passengers.”

John Edwards admits fathering child. After more than a year of speculation, the former North Carolina senator and democratic presidential hopeful has finally come forward and admitted in public that he is indeed the father of the 2-year old lovechild born to campaign videographer Rielle Hunter. Said Edwards: “I guess there’s no hiding the fact that the little brat sure looks a lot like me.”

Bin Laden thought to be hiding in Spain. Spanish authorities descended on a man in Barcelona believed to be the fugitive Osama bin Laden, only to discover that they had instead arrested a prominent lawmaker, Gaspar Llamazares. The lawmaker, who bears a striking resemblance to the wily al-Qaeda leader, was initially taken into custody after an anonymous tip was phoned in to local police. After the mixup was cleared, red-faced security officials quickly issued a public apology to Llamazares, stating in Spanish television, “Oops, looks like we fucked up.” A French production company contacted Llamazares the next day, offering him the role as bin Laden in an upcoming action-adventure film.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Norm, who never in his life has been confused with any high-profile fugitive…in fact not even a low-profile fugitive.

For the first time in its more than 70-year history, there is now a national speed limit on Germany’s infamous Autobahn. In a close vote, members of the nation’s Bundestag have imposed a 100kph (62mph) speed limit on all freeways. The new law went into effect just after the new year.

The move has spawned criticism, protests and even rioting throughout Germany. It has also created huge traffic jams and pileups in the nation of 80 million. Cities from Hamburg to Munich experienced gridlock on the normally free-flowing expressways. Thousands of multi-car accidents have occurred throughout the nation. No word yet on casualties. Polizei officers have written thousands of citations for violators - in areas where traffic congestion hasn’t already subdued the high-speed habits of the locals.

“This is not good,” said a motorist stranded on the A-31 Autobahn, near Kirchellen, in northwestern Germany. “We are unable to move. But those are the rules, and we Germans follow the rules!”

Others were not so understanding.

“Never mind Fahrvergnugen…we can’t even get fuckin’ movin!,” complained Otto Putzenheimer, member of the Dusseldorf Porsche Club. “Now I’m parking my car and taking the train. At least I can get some high-speed action on the rails!”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has issued pleas for calm, which have mostly fallen on deaf ears, as thousands rioted along autobahns around Berlin, Nuremberg and Munich. Angry mobs riding in Audis, BMWs and Porsches were seen throwing rocks and beer bottles at nearby stalled cars, while police in armored vans lobbed tear gas at the hooligans. Many cars suffered broken windows and dented fenders.

While there have always been speed limits imposed in urban areas and around construction zones, rural stretches of the Autobahn were traditionally a free-for-all, with no cap on speeds. The new national speed limit now makes the German Autobahn system one of the “slowest” in Europe, as neighboring countries allow speeds as high as 130kph (80mph) on their motorways.

No more free GM cars for Tiger Woods. General Motors has decided to end its arrangement of giving free promotional vehicles to the fallen golf star. A public relations spokesperson stated that the automaker was “not impressed with Tiger’s low-speed crash testing.” Woods’ abilities of driving with a stick may also have been a factor. Meanwhile, Tiger was nonplussed by the snub: “Not getting a Buick is sort of like not getting the clap.”

Google suffers China-based hack, considers plans to pull out. In the aftermath of a massive data breach involving the email accounts of Chinese human-rights activists, Google has decided to stop complying with China’s censorship directive and may pull out of the country altogether. U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been sent to Beijing to help round up the online miscreants. “First it’s melamine in the dog food, now this!,” shouted an angry Clinton as she embarked on her trip.

Maine gay rights activist kills partner during bizarre gun sex incident. Bruce Davidson, a 50-year-old farmer and avid gun freak from Skowhegan, Maine was engaging in a little “hide the barrel” with his friend, Fred Wilson, and a third participant. (Since this is an AITS story, you know what’s going to happen next.) Yup, the gun went off, and poor Fred died suddenly - with a semicolon. The third guy at the lemon party was not hurt. Davidson has been convicted of manslaughter, and faces up to 30 years in prison. Davidson now looks forward to making lots of enthusiastic new friends in jail.

Canadian publishers find new moniker for their Beaver. The Winnipeg-based fur trade magazine, The Beaver, will be given a new name so that its online subscribers won’t keep losing it in their spam filters or having it blocked by firewalls at work. “Ain’t this is great, eh?” gushed one avid reader from Kamloops, British Columbia. “Now if only the porn sites would start using new names, then I could surf that from my office too!”

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, who in a moment of weakness (he has many), spent $230 at the local Legion hall to buy out the entire bin full of pull tabs. Gordy’s aggregate winnings: $7, proving that the idiot’s not terribly good at math.

With careful observation you can learn a lot about a total stranger in just a few moments. A public men’s room is the perfect place where each personality type shows his true colors. If a psych student ever needed a research paper idea, this has to be it. Here are a few types we’ve spotted:

The Introvert. Walks into the men’s room and looks around. If anyone is in there, The Introvert will leave and return later, hoping to have the place all to himself. The Introvert possesses superb self-control, capable of waiting hours until the coast is clear. He doesn’t want anyone anywhere near him when he needs to take a leak. He never uses the urinal and will stealthily pee while sitting down in the farthest stall from the door. If someone enters the next stall, The Introvert will continually flush the shitter to cover his sounds.

The Narcissist. The polar opposite of The Introvert, The Narcissist is all about being noticed - everywhere he goes. He will strut right in like a barnyard rooster and spend several minutes in front of the mirror, primping and preening. Once his hair is positioned flawlessly, The Narcissist may actually use the bathroom facilities (if he isn’t so self-absorbed that he forgets his original objective), then finish the ritual with more primping before he walks out the door. You may see him exit with a tail of toilet paper hanging out the back of his pants.

The Motivational Speaker. Walks up to the urinal right next to someone else and chats the poor guy’s ear off for the 30-or-so seconds he spends there. By the time The Motivational Speaker has drained his main vein, he will endeavor to learn the name, occupation, and half the life history of everyone in the men’s room. Occasionally gets beaten up trying this in bar bathrooms.

The Modest Mouse. Stands at the stall and tries to pee. He really tries. But nothing happens. After 3 or 4 anxious minutes of just standing there, The Modest Mouse will nervously zip it up and leave, his face beet-red with humiliation.

The Cowboy. Brash, uncouth and uninhibited (and generally clueless), The Cowboy will swagger into the restroom, step up to the nearest urinal, whip it out and pee all over his feet.

The Obsessive-Compulsive. Walks in, grabs a wad of paper towels, wets them in the sink and scrubs the shitter so clean you could serve punch in it. Takes a dump and uses a full roll of paper wiping his ass. A quadruple-flusher. Spends ten minutes washing his hands, walks out, then walks back in to wash his hands once more - just in case.

The Showman. Inebriated, The Showman staggers in with some equally-inebriated white trash barfly in tow. Enters a stall with his “special guest” and unwittingly provides several minutes of free entertainment for the cheering crowd gathering by the sinks.

The Emo. Brooding and moping, The Emo will shuffle in the door, his head down, eyes glued to the floor and muttering something to himself. Selecting the farthest urinal in the row, The Emo will simply look down and sob while relieving himself. The Emo can’t wait to get out the door and back to someplace dark.

The Alzheimer. Will walk into the restroom, stop, look around and forget what he came in for. Then walk back out and piss and/or crap his pants.

The Slob. Usually some…uh…”rotund” person with oily, unkempt hair, dressed in sweat pants and an undersized t-shirt that doesn’t stay tucked in. The Slob walks in, hawks up a big lung-cookie and launches it toward the sink, usually missing his target. While whizzing, The Slob will scratch his ass, let out a big fart, exclaiming “ahhh, that sure felt good!” Maybe do a farmer blow into the urinal, again missing his target with half of it splattering across the front of his shirt. Finishes up and exits without washing his hands, heading straight back to the restaurant kitchen.

Report: Wisconsin deer hunters shot at fewer buildings this season. No shit. Officials in The Land of Cheese and Corn actually track these statistics, and apparently it’s been a problem in the past. But this year, only 10 structures were shot at during last fall’s hunt, compared to 25 in 2008. A big round of applause, by the way, for all the brilliant sportsmen who were able to distinguish barns from bucks. Now if we could just get ‘em to quit shooting at the dairy cows. Apparently, the ability to identify a target is still lost on a few hunters, who would be well advised to lay off the sauce before heading out into the woods with loaded firearms.

Man gropes TSA worker in N.J. airport, triggers security lockdown. In a freakish chain of events, Newark Liberty International Airport was shut down for over 6 hours Thursday after a man slipped into a secure area to grope a female TSA security guard from behind. Thinking the “assailant” was just a frisky co-worker, the female agent, whose name has not been released, started giggling uncontrollably. When she turned around to discover that it was a stranger, the agent shrieked, then sounded an alarm. The airport was locked down while authorities searched unsuccessfully for the unidentified man.

Fourteen year old math prodigy gets (and loses) scholarship to Cambridge. The awkward Surrey County lad, Arran Fernandez, earned a slot at Britain’s most prestigious university, only to be expelled by school authorities just two weeks later. The expulsion came after Fernandez was caught in a bizarre hazing ritual when he and three of his classmates went cow-tipping in a pasture just outside of town. School officials are not commenting. Said Fernandez’s mother: “I’m greatly disappointed. We finally get the precocious little brat out of the house and now here he is again!”

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who somehow managed to finish this article bright and early on Friday, before slipping out the back door to begin another weekend of binge drinking.