August, 2008 Archive
August 22nd, 2008 by admin in Uncategorized
Being devoured by a large apex predator is nothing to take lightly. But this story is…well…too delicious (sorry) to pass up.
Pilgrims visiting the Muslim Khan Jahan Ali shrine in Bangladesh normally toss sacrificial chickens and goats to the crocs that inhabit a local pond, in hopes of receiving some special blessing, whatever that may be. A bit odd, in a paleo-ritualistic kind of way, but at least most of the local peasantry keep to a (relatively) safe distance. Good, clean fun for the whole family, we say. A few of the bolder visitors will take a quick dip in the croc-infested pond, but are usually cautious enough to steer clear of the giant carnivores.
We’re not sure why they do this, and in a corner of the globe where news headlines often tell of people being trampled by elephants and villagers being dragged from their homes in the night to be devoured by tigers, we think this sort of encounter with dangerous wildlife is tempting fate just a bit too much. Seems to us that visiting Mecca would be a safer and more rewarding pilgrimmage. But we digress…
Enter our hapless friend, 25-year-old Rubel Sheikh. Apparently, a mere close encounter with the beast didn’t suit this devotee. No, our tragic disciple of reptilian salvation chose instead to approach one of the crocs straight-on, such that he may have a more intimate (and, ostensibly, more meaningful) religious experience with the critter. To get his “good news” from the…err…reptile’s mouth, if you will. Sort of like those fundietards who play with poisonous snakes in order to commune with god.
But, crocs being crocs, such an experience wasn’t meant to be. Our soon-to-be-Darwin-Award nominee unwittingly chose the hungriest one from which to receive his blessing. The results were spectacular. They really should feed those things before letting the local hoi polloi wander amongst them.
Well, they didn’t find much of poor Rubel Sheikh, though many of his fellow seekers made a heroic, if not successful, effort to recover him from those murky and deadly waters.
Afterwards, some of the locals remarked that it was unusual for one of the crocodiles to attack, that they are usually very “friendly.” Ahem. We just hope the locals don’t do anything rash against the poor crocodile, like showing up on his doorstep at night, carrying torches. It wasn’t his fault, afterall. He was only doing what came naturally to him, and was probably wondering why no one bothered to offer him a dessert menu or a toothpick.
August 22nd, 2008 by admin in Uncategorized
During my lunch break the other day I made two small expenditures, not counting the six dollars I spent on the nasty General Tao Chicken from some dodgy takeout. I gave a buck to a busker who was singing and playing guitar (and doing a rather shitty job of both), and I bought a lottery ticket at a nearby bodega. I rarely–uh, make that damn near never, as I’m usually a tightwad–do either, but for reasons that escape me now, I decided to let loose a couple greenbacks. WTF, live large.
What did I get in return for my impulse investments? A minute or so of dubious entertainment while walking down the street, and a one-in-120-million chance of retiring early. Which was the better deal for me? I still don’t know. I just hope the busker doesn’t waste his money on something stupid…like lottery tickets.
Just goes to show what a dollar will get you these days. Good thing I wasn’t handing out Euros.
August 19th, 2008 by admin in Uncategorized
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Minneapolis market. If you don’t live in the Twin Cities, not to worry. These same Barbies are available at similar locations around every major city in the U.S. and Canada.
Edina Barbie: This Princess Barbie is only sold at Southdale. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a longhaired foreign dog, named “Honey”, and an over-priced house. Available with or without a tummy tuck and face-lift. Therapist Ken available. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with augment version. Fantasy Ken sold separately during the afternoons at local motels. Toys and accessories sold at adult bookstores.
Maple Grove Barbie: Trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. Her vehicle will not move unless there are no objects in front of the vehicle for 100 yards, causing traffic jams. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit in plus sizes only. Maple Grove Ken and Barbie come with matching Vikings jerseys. He drives to the games. She drives home. It takes her 45 minutes longer.
Blaine Barbie: Can never find Ken, as he is always hunting. Or fishing. Or riding ATVs. Or snowmobiling. And usually drunk.
Minnetonka Beach Barbie: Has freshness date on package. Do not buy after that date or product may be spoiled rotten. Comes with no appreciation on how the “other” 95% live. Does not have career or an idea of what makes her happy. When bought in conjunction with Hard Working Ken she will change her appearance: will gain 75 lbs., will cut her hair, become an avid church-goer, get elected to the school board, and belittle anyone who crosses her. No one–including Ken–is right, ever. Ken’s head melts after 17 years.
St. Paul Barbie: This model is only available at the JC Penney Catalog Store or at any parochial school bazaar. It cannot be purchased on Saturday night (because of Trivia nights) and Sundays (grade school picnics). It comes with a case of Busch Beer, pork steaks, a recipe for Tater Tot casserole, a 1987 Plymouth Voyager and one cell phone (circa 1982, big as a toaster) for the whole family with 15 anytime minutes. She is wearing the latest fashion from Target that she wore on Easter Sunday. It also comes with Ken (wearing the latest soccer T-shirt two sizes too small), a bag of White Castles and a 72 ounce Big Gulp.
North Minneapolis Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm semi-automatic, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This Barbie also comes with 6 children by four different Kens. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash–preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you’re a cop. Then we don’t know nothin’!
Wayzata Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with a choice of a BMW convertible or a pimped Hummer H2. Included is her Starbucks cup, credit cards and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and private School Skipper. But you can’t afford them anyway. This edition is available in Naples, FL, but only during spring break.
Brooklyn Park Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant, though he can be found in Chicago.
Anoka Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and has a tattoo of Tweety Bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She can spit over 15 feet and can kick mullet-headed Kenny doll’s ass when she’s drunk. Purchase her pickup separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free. Comes with personal concealed gun license.
Woodbury Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the club. Limited clothing available. Designer mini-skirts and CFM’S constitute 90% of her wardrobe. Percocet prescription available. Elderly Ken completes this set. Pre-Nup papers as worthless as the Chinese-made paper they are printed on.
Uptown Barbie: This doll is made of solid tofu, has long gray hair and arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, Birkenstocks with white socks, and a mutt. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She neither wants nor needs a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Uptown Barbies and the optional Volvo station wagon, you get a free rainbow flag sticker. She thinks Wellstone was a Republican.
East Side Barbie: This Barbie speaks Hmong and comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pickup truck loaded 10 feet high with old mattresses, a meat packers uniform, and is missing three fingers from his left hand. Green cards not available for Ken or Barbie.
Fridley Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Elk River Ken out of Anoka Barbie’s house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: mobile home, CD player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a rusty old Ford pickup with a gun rack.
Willmar Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1984. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut.
August 12th, 2008 by admin in Uncategorized
…And the world is now a little less interesting because of it.
Joe Kudla, “Snot” of the Puke and Snot comedy team, died yesterday in Minneapolis at the young age of 58. Anyone who has visited a Renaissance Fair in the U.S. is familiar with these two characters. Starting out some 30 years ago at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, Puke and Snot quickly developed a reputation, often at the expense of unwitting fair-goers. They made a name for themselves in those early years, wandering through the park, making wisecracks, antagonizing and poking fun at various fair guests. All in good cheer, of course. This usually caused a spectacle and was quite entertaining to watch.
I witnessed one such episode years back, when the two were observing a fussy brat whose tantrum was testing the nettle of his mother. Unbeknownst to mother and child, P&S were standing about 20 feet away, hands on hips, saying nothing. Meanwhile, curious fair-goers were assembling into a huge semicircle nearby, waiting to see what would happen. All of a sudden, in perfect harmony (and in a bad, phony Brit accent), the two loudly screamed, “Ohhhh Shut Up!!!” The crowd roared with laughter. The brat went silent. If that mother could have dug a hole in the ground and crawled in it, she would have. No doubt that kid would’ve followed her in it, judging by the deer-in-the-headlights look of shock on his reddening face. It was priceless.
As their popularity skyrocketed, the team moved up to stage shows, and were rarely seen wandering about the grounds. They performed at festivals throughout the United States, and touched the funny bones of many. Needless to say, these stage shows were packed to capacity, with fair-goers often queuing up for hours awaiting the start.
It’s been a tough summer for the comedic arts, with the loss of greats like George Carlin and, recently, Bernie Mac. We just lost another star of comedy. Snot, you will be missed.
August 11th, 2008 by admin in Uncategorized
Every decade has its share of awful pop songs, but the 1970s was the decade that practically elevated this junk to an art form. The Me Decade was synonymous with trash-pop…not to mention disco. And that abomination known as Grease. Here we are referring, of course, to songs that are so atrocious, that the mere mention of their titles will cause a visceral reaction from anyone having even a shred of good taste.
Just for fun (and torture), we have compiled a list of a few really bad ones that come to mind. No doubt there are numerous “worst song list” sites out there, and the masochistic among us are free to Google some of those. We’ll pass, thank you.
Here are our nominations for Worst Songs of the 1970s (in no particular order):
Feelings - Morris Albert (Bad elevator music makes the charts.)
Having My Baby - Paul Anka (Labor pains set to music. Painful for us to listen, too.)
Last Song - Edward Bear (She left you because you sing like a wuss! Get over her.)
Muskrat Love - Captain & Tennille (Comparing love to a rodent is…well…too creepy for words.)
Torn Between Two Lovers - Mary MacGregor (Juggling multiple sex partners is just too much sometimes! Whatsa girl to do?)
Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill (So disgustingly maudlin and over-dramatic it’ll make you spew.)
Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes (Tacky personal ad rendezvous. Look for this loser on Craigslist.)
Playground In My Mind - Clint Holmes (Torment your over-40 co-workers: play this at the office and let the earworm invasion begin.)
Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band (Skyrockets in flight! So metaphorical! So sleep-inducing!)
My Ding A Ling - Chuck Berry (His only #1 hit. Yep, this little ditty out-charted the likes of Maybelline and Johnny B. Goode. There is no god.)
You Light Up My Life - Debby Boone (Even her dad rocks out more.)
Please Mr. Postman - The Carpenters (If I had to sing this I’d become a retching bulemic too.)
Shannon - Henry Gross (Ex-Sha-Na-Na guitarist sings ode to a lost dog. Deep.)
The Candy Man - Sammy Davis, Jr. (Would you want this creepy guy performing at your six-year-old’s birthday party?)
Tie A Yellow Ribbon ‘Round The Old Oak Tree - Tony Orlando & Dawn (100 yellow ribbons for the guy who just got paroled–woo hoo!)
Alone Again (Naturally) - Gilbert O’ Sullivan (A three minute musical pity-party. Just jump off the damn bridge and be done with it already.)
It’s So Nice To Be With You - Gallery (The title alone should serve as a warning.)
The Morning After - Maureen McGovern (Awful dreck, this one should’ve sunk with the Poseidon.)
Loving You - Minnie Riperton (Is that shrill singing coming out of my speakers, or just the smoke detector going off?)
You Make Me Feel Like Dancing - Leo Sayer (The guy looks like Richard Simmons and sings in falsetto. ‘Nuff said.)
That’s our list (so far) and if we find ourselves in a devilish mood, we just might be tempted to add more. If you really want to do the right send-up of this crap, check out the Circle Jerks’ Golden Shower Of Hits. The way those songs ought to sound.
August 5th, 2008 by admin in Uncategorized
We’re actually going to get serious here for a moment…
A St. Paul, Minnesota, man stops his car to help an injured 14-year-old girl who had flagged him down. What does the good samaritan get in return for his kindness? An indictment for kidnapping and false imprisonment, after the girl fabricates an elaborate tale of abduction.
All children lie. It’s a defense mechanism they learn early, in order to avoid punishment. This “victim” fabricated hers, ostensibly to avoid punishment by her parents for her being out with some loser boyfriend who was likely the cause of her injuries in the first place.
Eventually, the genuine facts come to light and the man is exonerated when charges are dropped. But not before he had posted bond, lost his job, lost his car in impound, had his mug plastered all over the media, and spent several grueling months making his defense. We hope his attorney was pro bono.
The man was only trying to help, to do the right thing. And he now says he will never do that again. Can’t blame him one bit.
Oh, and did we mention that the good samaritan is an African immigrant? That fact no doubt fed the flames of the witch-hunt, what with the increasing anti-immigrant attitudes these days.
If you encounter someone in trouble, the best thing you can do is call 911 on your cell phone, then leave. Don’t get involved. Someone–the “victim,” the police, an overzealous prosecutor–will invariably twist the facts around and you will find yourself under suspicion just for being there. In some types of altercations, you can end up injured or killed just for stepping in. When the shit hits the fan you’ll get some of it on you. Is it worth it?