Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Minneapolis market. If you don’t live in the Twin Cities, not to worry. These same Barbies are available at similar locations around every major city in the U.S. and Canada.
Edina Barbie: This Princess Barbie is only sold at Southdale. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a longhaired foreign dog, named “Honey”, and an over-priced house. Available with or without a tummy tuck and face-lift. Therapist Ken available. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with augment version. Fantasy Ken sold separately during the afternoons at local motels. Toys and accessories sold at adult bookstores.
Maple Grove Barbie: Trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. Her vehicle will not move unless there are no objects in front of the vehicle for 100 yards, causing traffic jams. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit in plus sizes only. Maple Grove Ken and Barbie come with matching Vikings jerseys. He drives to the games. She drives home. It takes her 45 minutes longer.
Blaine Barbie: Can never find Ken, as he is always hunting. Or fishing. Or riding ATVs. Or snowmobiling. And usually drunk.
Minnetonka Beach Barbie: Has freshness date on package. Do not buy after that date or product may be spoiled rotten. Comes with no appreciation on how the “other” 95% live. Does not have career or an idea of what makes her happy. When bought in conjunction with Hard Working Ken she will change her appearance: will gain 75 lbs., will cut her hair, become an avid church-goer, get elected to the school board, and belittle anyone who crosses her. No one–including Ken–is right, ever. Ken’s head melts after 17 years.
St. Paul Barbie: This model is only available at the JC Penney Catalog Store or at any parochial school bazaar. It cannot be purchased on Saturday night (because of Trivia nights) and Sundays (grade school picnics). It comes with a case of Busch Beer, pork steaks, a recipe for Tater Tot casserole, a 1987 Plymouth Voyager and one cell phone (circa 1982, big as a toaster) for the whole family with 15 anytime minutes. She is wearing the latest fashion from Target that she wore on Easter Sunday. It also comes with Ken (wearing the latest soccer T-shirt two sizes too small), a bag of White Castles and a 72 ounce Big Gulp.
North Minneapolis Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm semi-automatic, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This Barbie also comes with 6 children by four different Kens. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash–preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you’re a cop. Then we don’t know nothin’!
Wayzata Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with a choice of a BMW convertible or a pimped Hummer H2. Included is her Starbucks cup, credit cards and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and private School Skipper. But you can’t afford them anyway. This edition is available in Naples, FL, but only during spring break.
Brooklyn Park Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant, though he can be found in Chicago.
Anoka Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and has a tattoo of Tweety Bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She can spit over 15 feet and can kick mullet-headed Kenny doll’s ass when she’s drunk. Purchase her pickup separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free. Comes with personal concealed gun license.
Woodbury Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the club. Limited clothing available. Designer mini-skirts and CFM’S constitute 90% of her wardrobe. Percocet prescription available. Elderly Ken completes this set. Pre-Nup papers as worthless as the Chinese-made paper they are printed on.
Uptown Barbie: This doll is made of solid tofu, has long gray hair and arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, Birkenstocks with white socks, and a mutt. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She neither wants nor needs a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Uptown Barbies and the optional Volvo station wagon, you get a free rainbow flag sticker. She thinks Wellstone was a Republican.
East Side Barbie: This Barbie speaks Hmong and comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pickup truck loaded 10 feet high with old mattresses, a meat packers uniform, and is missing three fingers from his left hand. Green cards not available for Ken or Barbie.
Fridley Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Elk River Ken out of Anoka Barbie’s house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: mobile home, CD player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a rusty old Ford pickup with a gun rack.
Willmar Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1984. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut.
