St. Paul, Minnesota. Sept. 5, 2008.

While the Republican National Convention was winding down, and the candidates, delegates and political hangers-on were heading out to catch their flights home, St. Paul’s finest were keeping themselves busy arresting what few people were still getting in the way of things.  The local sheriff’s department made the last arrest of the event, taking into custody a strangely-dressed person seen loitering outside a nearby fast food restaurant.

Wearing face paint, red wig, yellow and red striped attire, and oversized red shoes, the uncooperative “John Doe #683″ was carried by two officers to an awaiting van and taken to Central Booking downtown.

At the scene of the arrest the two sheriff deputies had ordered the perp to “get face down on the ground, Bozo…right goddamn now!”  When he failed to comply the deputies lobbed two flash-bang grenades, shot pepper spray and tasered the brightly-attired suspect. Still resisting his captors, the John Doe was tackled to the ground, handcuffed, and arrested for unlawful assembly and resisting arrest.  He then had to be physically carried away by the officers. Luckily, the use of lethal force was not necessary.

“We weren’t sure what we were dealing with there,” said Ramsey County Deputy Sven “Ole” Olegard, one of the arresting officers.  “That disguise could have been masking the identity of an anarchist, terrorist, DNC operative, or possibly even a foreign agent.  We weren’t taking any chances with this clown.”

At booking, John Doe #683 was fingerprinted and read his rights.  But when his prints didn’t turn up a match, his mugshot was sent to Homeland Security, who ran an image search.  Meanwhile, investigators tried in vain to talk to the Doe, hoping to gain some insight as to his identity. No useful information was revealed, as the painted perp merely sat in the interview room in a semi-catatonic state, rocking back and forth, repeatedly muttering “I’m lovin’ it.”

“It was frustrating,” complained one of the investigators.  “He just sat there in the room, looking at us with that stupid painted grin on his face and asking us if ‘we serve fries.’  Real looney-toon.  Back in the day we would’ve knocked this skell’s teeth right out.”

Six hours later, DHS agents revealed that there were over 6500 persons in the U.S. bearing the exact same likeness as the Doe.  This prompted the local District Attorney to drop charges and free John Doe #683, knowing well that a conclusive witness I.D. would be impossible.  “I guess…you deserve a break today,” barked the D.A. to the Doe, “so get the hell outta my courthouse!  And get a job, ya’ slacker!”

Eleven hours after his arrest, John Doe #683 walked out the door a free man, and was last seen aimlessly wandering the streets of St. Paul.