A Wisconsin man came close to inadvertent self-immolation one night while swiping gas from a van. Since it was night and the thief couldn’t see what what was going on, he flicked his cigarette lighter to shed a little light on the operation.

Needless to say, things didn’t work out too well.

We can only imagine what thoughts were rattling around his head in those moments leading up the the conflagration:

“…Is the damn can full yet…can’t see nothin.’ I don’t have a flashlight…shit! It’s fuckin’ dark out here. Hmmm…got a lighter, that oughta do the trick…let’s see…alright, who’s yer daddy now…(flick)….

…POOF!

Yeowwww! Yeeeeeowwwwowwwwowww!!! Owww my fuckin’ hands!!!! Gimme some fuckin’ water!!!!! Yeowwwwww!!! Goddammit you bastards!!! Owwwww!!!

The ensuing fireball (and no doubt the screaming) caught the attention of a few people in the area, who promptly called the police. The thief was charged with theft, and–get this–”negligent use of burning materials.” We have to wonder what kind of idiot the legislature had in mind when they drafted that law.