After three price reductions in ransom demands with no takers on the horizon, the desperate band of Somali pirates holding a Ukrainian cargo ship loaded with Russian tanks has turned to eBay in hopes of salvaging a fair ransom deal.

In a candid sat-phone interview with AITS reporters, leaders of the pirate group poured out their emotions and their frustrations over what is appearing more and more likely to become a failed business venture.

“It’s quite discouraging,” complained Ibrahim, (left) the self-styled leader of the militant pirates. “We started the ransom bidding by asking 35 million, a number we thought was quite generous for the ship, cargo, and crew. We were hoping they would bargain with us in good faith, Allah willing. But the Russians and the Americans both told us to ‘go pound sand.’ We made a second offer at a reduced figure of 20 mil, but still no takers. We have reached out to people in other countries too - even allies - but to no avail. A final offer of 8 million also failed to generate interest. No one seems to be in the market right now. Infidels!”

“We’re not talking your usual commodities here,” Ibrahim continued, his voice weary from the two weeks of failed negotiations. “This isn’t some common boatload of U.N. rice or bales of khat. It’s the high-octane stuff that despots the world over crave: brand new Russian tanks with lots of ammo. Surely, somebody out there would like to get their hands on this hardware to assist in their jihad!”

“I guess this is just another symptom of the weak world market,” added Ali Achmed, the pirates’ lieutenant. “Ibrahim and I have built quite a business on deals like this the past 15 years since we graduated Oxford together. We’ve always had success in our ventures. But I think we picked a really bad time economically to pull this one off and we didn’t do our homework. We should’ve hired a marketing firm before launching the venture. Some reliable market metrics would have been helpful too. But we had to roll out this project in late September, right after International Talk Like a Pirate Day.”

The Somalis have now set up an eBay profile and posted listings for the ship and its contents. They started ransom bidding at $100, and as of today, bids are up into the high five-figures and still climbing. Ibrahim remains hopeful for a bounty. “We’ll sell this stuff piecemeal if we have to. Achmed’s also going to post ads on Craigslist sites for Egypt, Lebanon and Dubai, right after morning prayers. Good thing he brought his digicam along!”

The waiting game has taken its toll on the hapless pirates. Loneliness, boredom, and bouts of seasickness have plagued the members in the fortnight spent on the wave-tossed cargo ship. Hunger is also becoming an issue, especially since the Somalis and hostage crew members finished up the last of the Ukrainian borscht provisions 3 days ago. The ship’s denizens are now resorting to eating the rats which scurry about the ship. “I’m not used to these Russian rats,” complained an indignant Achmed. “I grew up on East African rats, which are far tastier, and much meatier. But we make do with what we have. We’re tough.”

“Sometimes I just want to throw up my arms in exasperation, say ’screw the reserve price’ and take the first PayPal offer that rolls in,” said Ibrahim in a rare moment of weakness. “But with the expenses of this hijacking operation adding up day by day, we need to recoup our investment and hopefully turn something of a profit. We owe it to our shareholders back at home in Somalia. And it’s Allah’s will.”