After facing immense public criticism for the lavish lifestyles enjoyed by American auto executives, Rick Wagoner, Chairman and CEO of General Motors Corp., has publicly announced that he and his family will set an example of frugality and buy all their groceries at local Aldi stores for one year. Wagoner’s personal executive assistant stated yesterday that it was an empathetic move on the part of Wagoner to “be more like the regular people.” Shortly after the announcement, the assistant, whose name was not revealed, was immediately pink-slipped as further proof of Wagoner’s cost-cutting dedication.
“I’m gonna show those people on Capitol Hill that I too can sacrifice and tighten my belt,” said the beaming Wagoner at a press conference later that day.
Scrutiny by Congress and taxpayers.
Company brass at the Big Three automakers ruffled some feathers over private jet usage in the face of massive corporate losses. Execs from all 3 companies even flew in their private jets to Washington to appear before Congress with their hats in hand begging for government bailout money. Response by lawmakers and taxpayers alike was swift and harsh, with many questioning the executives’ grasp of economic reality.
Reeling from the criticism, Wagoner now cuts back, flying coach on Northwest Airlines. “There’s not much legroom in those flying cattle cars and the seats are narrow. But my ass fits fine in those seats now, after a few Senators chewed half if it off,” joked Wagoner. “But we all must sacrifice, and I’m doing my part,” added Wagoner in a more serious tone. “Hell, I even gave all my frequent flier miles to some guy in the company lunchroom today. I said ‘go take your family to Disney World, son.’”
An Aldi adjustment for the whole family.
Having now sworn off fancy home catering and high-end grocery stores, the Wagoner family is doing their best to adjust to shopping the down-scale grocer. Wagoner’s wife Kathy and children were hit with a bit of culture shock during the first visit to the store. Since there is no Aldi in their posh suburban neighborhood, they must drive the family Lexus (!) 18 miles into a rather unsavory neighborhood in Detroit. But the Wagoners take it all in stride. And they find bargains too.
“This place is great!,” exclaimed Kathy Wagoner. “We can get a gallon of milk for under 3 bucks! The kids love Aldi’s microwave pizza, and it’s less than a dollar for a nutritional after-school snack. It’s amazing how much we can save! And it’s fun watching the creepy people who shop here.”
After the news conference ended a few hangers-on from the media quizzed Wagoner about his wife’s Lexus. Wagoner said they might “trade down” to a Corolla or Civic. When questioned further as to why they don’t drive a GM car, Wagoner replied, “What, are you kidding? I just work there. You don’t expect us to actually drive those boat-anchors we make! Nobody in their right mind would. What do you think got us into this mess to begin with? …Oh shit, you’re not going to print that, are you?”
Setting an example for others.
Wagoner is serious about living more frugally, and encouraging others to do likewise. “I’m not gonna be like those decadent UAW guys, who order stuff from Wolferman’s, Harry & David, or Godiva chocolates. I have to set an example for the people who really are struggling in this economy. Besides, if they spend a little less on food, maybe they can buy more of our cheap cars and trucks. It’s my hope anyway, ’cause those board members have been giving me the evil eye lately, and if things don’t pick up around here, I might be the next guy out of a job in this place.”
Still, Wagoner remains hopeful for an eleventh-hour miracle by lawmakers. “Maybe if I show them I can conserve at the personal level, they will fork over the twenty five billion I just spent the past day groveling for,” said a tired Wagoner as he was leaving the press conference to catch his bus home.
