“…And, mysteriously, the Mbaye brothers were never heard from again…”

After months of speculation over his apparent declining health, and even death rumors, Kim Jong-il (aka Kim Jong II) has now shocked and surprised the world by surfacing alive and healthy in Florida. The wily North Korean dictator was spotted for the first time by local media at Disney World in Orlando (right), enjoying the sights with his nephew.

When approached by reporters, Kim sheepishly confessed that he had been living incognito in the U.S. for several weeks already. “I needed to get out of Pyongyang,” admitted Kim. “It is such a dreary place, especially in late autumn when the cold winds begin to blow from the Yellow Sea. I just had to get away from that winter gloom.”

Kim had quietly left North Korea with a few of his closest advisers, secretly hopping aboard a Chinese freighter bound for a toy import company in Miami (left). From there, Kim and his posse rented a Hummer and headed north to Orlando, stopping at a few beaches and strip clubs along the way. “I’ve always wanted to see Disney World and Epcot Center,” added a giddy Kim Jong-il. “And I have a sister who lives in the area (right), and wanted to look her up.”

Kim and his entourage have been staying at a Days Inn at an undisclosed location in central Florida. “Please understand that we prefer a bit of privacy as we enjoy our warm winter here in your beautiful autonomous province of Florida,” said Kim. The dictator’s stay in Florida has been a boon to his health, as he appeared tanned and more fit while enjoying a couple cold ones and watching South Park in his hotel room (left).

Kim has kept himself busy during his stay, going  fishing in the Gulf of Mexico and visiting Kennedy Space Center by day, and hitting several of the area clubs at night.

When news reporters inquired as to who was back home running North Korea during Kim’s absence, Kim scoffed at any notion of him abdicating his power.

“I am not seeking exile in your country,” retorted a slightly defensive Kim Jong-il. “My nation is in very good hands and it will continue to be so upon my triumphant return. The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea will continue to be the glorious paragon of prosperity, political stability and world peace.”

Asked when he would return to his native country, Kim replied, “in the springtime, when the weather back home doesn’t suck so much. And of course, after I’ve spent a week or two in Daytona Beach enjoying some spring break action.”

Former vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin has denounced personal attacks made by former aides of Senator John McCain, calling the attacks “cruel” and “cowardly.” Palin referred to the staffers as “jerks.”

In a rare, candid interview from her home in Wasilla, Alaska, Palin gave an ominous warning to her bitter critics that “she won’t forget,” even going as far as to say she would get even.

“Those big mean boys better watch out,” cautioned Palin. “We know how to take care of people who mess with the Palin family, y’know. Some night…some really dark night, when one of those jerks is driving down some lonely country road after an evening out, he’d better watch his rear view mirror. I tell ya’ he’s gonna see some headlights from a big four-by-four right on his tail, and it’ll be my Todd, out there following him, stalking him like a big wolf after a moose. You betcha, ya’ don’t mess with the Killa from Wasilla!”

“Those people think I don’t understand world politics, but I’ve got a surprise for them - I do!” Palin added, a bit defensively. “Just before the election I had a nice phone conversation with Nicolas Sarkozy. They don’t just let anybody talk to that important man - he’s the president of Europe, y’know!”

As the subject turned to a more optimistic note, Sarah was asked about her future and what may be in store in four years. “Oh, I dunno,” sighed an exhausted Palin. “I might be able to see Russia, but I just can’t see the future…not until somebody gives me a crystal ball!”

When inquired as to whether the Alaska Governor would lend her support to an Obama administration that appears open to bipartisanship, Palin did offer one thought:

“I might like to be ambassador to Africa,” added Palin, enthusiastically. “To work over there and to see all those neat animals like giraffes and elephants and those cute little koala bears. I think that would be really fun! And go out and shoot some of them, too!”

Maybe an inch or two in some parts of the state; flurries in the cities.

More butt-related news. Police in Florida who arrested a Palm City woman on a theft charge found a glass crack pipe wedged up her…uh…crack. (”So that’s where my favorite pipe went…I’ve been looking for that the past two weeks!”) This was revealed during a routine body cavity search when the woman was being booked for stealing $2 worth of property from a car. (She sure made out like a bandit!)

We have trouble thinking of a good defense for this, though she could try using the good vicar’s explanation and claim the pipe got impacted in her ass when she fell on it while naked. Or, perhaps that she’s a plumber and the damn thing just fell down the back of her pants and became “lodged down there.” It’s worth a shot.

News article with scary mugshot here.

It’s official. Senator Barack Obama is now President-Elect Barack Obama.

We at Alligators In The Sewer could not be happier. It has been an amazing campaign and an amazing year. The people have demanded change, and the best person to effect that change has been rightly chosen.

Congratulations, Mr. Obama. Nicely done!

In celebration, Norm has given us all the morning off and asked us to return after lunch today. He has a case of Bud he wants to share with all of us. Which means don’t expect any new postings on AITS today. We won’t be in the condition to write anything coherent.

Oh, and on another note, Tina has made good on her promise from a few days ago. She vowed that if Obama wins the election, she will let us post a photo of her - of our choosing. Here it is, and we know Tina won’t be happy when she logs on to AITS later today. In any case, we thought her pose would be appropriate to express our elation.

With the price of oil continuing to plummet, Iraq had decided to replenish its coffers by auctioning off Saddam Hussein’s luxury yacht. However, Iraqi officials were quite stunned to discover the current condition of the once-pristine 260 foot yacht. The luxurious mega-boat, which was built on dry land and never put to sea, now lies abandoned and derelict, sitting on the parched desert floor just outside the port city of Basra.

From the AITS we-can’t-make-this-shit-up-no-matter-how-hard-we-try department:

A clergyman in his 50s had to be taken to a hospital in Sheffield, England, due to having a potato lodged in his rectum. Bangers and mash, anyone? And hey, he could’ve had a V-8.

The vicar, insisting that the accident was not part of a sex game, claimed that the offending tuber became lodged in his pooper when he “fell down while hanging curtains in the nude and landed on it.”

(We’ve warned people about doing that. But do they listen? Do they?)

What makes this story great is that the local medics were so nonplussed about the incident. It seems the jaded Sheffield docs have been down this road many times in the past, having removed virtually a whole department store’s worth of objects from various peoples’ butts, including a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll, and a carnation. Can you say goatse?

(We’d like to know how they extracted the Russian doll. Did they think to unscrew the doll’s head and remove the smaller ones from the inside first, or did they just pull the whole damn thing out at once?)

A spokesperson for the hospital forewarned the dangers of putting things in your bottom, which could result in infections and perhaps even the need for a colostomy bag. The official further stated, “Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents. “But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

Then they call the news media.

The election is almost upon us, and voting is too important to miss on any election, much less this time around. Do we have to send Norm over to throw stuff at you? Do we? Alright then.

A suburban Detroit woman decided to celebrate Halloween in a harshly partisan manner last night, refusing to hand out treats to any kid who supported Obama, or whose parents did. Shirley Nagel, 59, of Grosse Pointe Farms, Michigan, quizzed children about their “choice” in the upcoming election, coldly turning away any child who did not share her support for McCain/Palin. Never mind the fact that most trick-or-treaters are not of voting age. Nagel’s yard also sported a sign warning the little ghosts and goblins that there would be “no handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters or kids of supporters.” When asked by a local TV reporter about her turning away kids, even making some cry, Nagel hissed, “Oh well, everybody has a choice.”

If only Leona Helmsley was still around. She’d be proud.

Phone messages left by reporters at Nagel’s home were not returned. Which clearly demonstrates that Nagel doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude to confront adults with her views. Only little kids. You can’t get more passive-aggressive than that.

Maybe she can go on a campaign tour with that tax-dodging idiot, Joe The Plumber.

We read lots of blogs - technical, political, entertainment, etc. We all have our designated “reading time,” an hour first thing each morning to view that part of the world which is piped in via RSS feed. We catch up on the news of the day, pick up some commentary, learn about new gadgets and technologies, and have a few chuckles. One site that all of us at AITS includes in our daily must-read list is Stupid Evil Bastard (SEB). It’s a mixture of all of those qualities, and it’s as informative and thought-provoking as it is entertaining. And entertaining it is, as indicated by the blog’s subtitle: “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” That about says it, it’s our kind of world view. Norm turned us on to the site a few months ago and we are addicted.

So where the hell are we going with this convoluted story? Well, Norm just received his new SEB coffee mug in the mail today. That cheap, tightwad curmudgeony prick, he wouldn’t even spring for the rest of us. Did he ever consider for a moment that the AITS crew–Tina, Gordy, and Maynard–would love to have a nice mug too? Of course not. Grrrrr…

Though disappointed at being left out, we do have to admit that Norm’s mug is quite a dandy: extra large to hold a good supply of coffee in the morning, and likely Budweiser by afternoon. Just what Norm needs to get stoked up every day. We’re happy for him.

Now Norm is inspired with this hare-brained idea that we should be pimping some kind of “official” Alligators In The Sewer merchandise. A selection of nifty AITS swag to peddle to our gullible loyal readers. Y’know…t-shirts, mugs, trucker hats, mouse pads, etc. Norm always has these wacky marketing ideas going around in his head, and once in a while, they actually succeed. But we weren’t so sure on this one, gauging by the skepticism that filled the air. Tina chided Norm that “we don’t even have an AITS design or logo yet.” Nothing that people would identify with, that would set us apart from all the rest. In fact, she pointed out (in her usual undiplomatic style) that we’re still using that “lame, green-tinted, home-made photo of a storm sewer” as our blog banner. Her words. Ouch.

The room fell silent as Norm gave Tina a wickedly piercing glare from the corner of his eye, the kind of evil eye he displays just before he turns and picks up something to throw. But this time he didn’t go ballistic. Without batting an eyelash, he coolly assured us that some new artwork is forthcoming. Just as soon as Dean-O, our soon-to-be new illustrator, is finished with it. “You’re going to love it,” he said. “It’ll be the dog’s bollocks.”

The dog’s bollocks…WTF? Norm’s been hangin’ around that tea-swilling anglophile Nigel too long.

Call us skeptical. We’ll just see if we get our new artwork. We’ll just see if we get a new banner for the AITS site and maybe - just maybe - some t-shirts printed up. Until then, we’ll have to enjoy somebody else’s promotional goodies and order something cool from SEB. It’s a cinch the boss isn’t going to buy it for us.