At 5 feet 8 inches and 350 pounds, Jim Delaney isn’t the epitome of fitness. In fact, he can’t even climb the front steps to his home without sucking wind. But don’t let that get in the way of his aspiration to climb 29,000 feet up Mount Everest. The barrel-chested 42-year old machinist from Waukesha, Wisconsin, has been planning his Himalayan climb for 6 years now, and intends to summit the peak next July.
Nobody thinks he can do it.
“I’ll have to climb slowly, do the Everest thing a little at a time,” said Delaney from his La-Z-Boy recliner, as he was enjoying a bag of Doritos and a fotie. “Walk a while, sit down to rest, then walk a little farther. Have a bite to eat and go a little more. It might take a few weeks, maybe a month to get up there and probably a few weeks to get back down. But that’s OK, as I have a tent, oxygen, lots of supplies, and nothing but time. And my Nepalese visa is good for 6 months.”
Delaney is planning no training for the event. No climbing instruction, no fitness regimens, no medical exams. “What would be the point? Physically fit people climb that peak all the time, it’s no big deal,” argued Delaney as he lit up a smoke. “How often do you see a sedentary, morbidly obese guy like me going up there? Now that would be a feat!”
Still, Delaney is getting prepared for the trip by researching the subject. He has read several books on the subject and scanned countless Internet sites for trail pictures. Delaney even has a hand-held GPS receiver with the southeast climb route saved in the memory. “I can visualize the whole route right in my head, said Delaney. “It’s like I’m almost there, man!”
Delaney has squirreled away over $36,000 to pay for the trip, using money siphoned from his kids’ college funds, and from cashing in aluminum beer cans over the past several years. Delaney will need every penny of it to hire trained Sherpa guides, who will carry his equipment, provisions, oxygen, snacks and beer up the blustery peak.
Delaney’s wife Linda has tried numerous times to talk him out of it, saying it’s an almost certain death sentence, but to no avail. “Those Sherpas better bring a stretcher along to haul his big fat ass down from that mountain, that’s all I can say,” said an exasperated Linda. “He’s a big boy, he knows what he’s getting into. I’ve never been able to influence that obstinate old fool, why would that change now?”
Jim Delaney scoffs at his wife’s concerns. “She doesn’t know a crampon from a tampon. Don’t listen to her doom-and-gloom. I’m gonna pull this one off.”
Carol Brodsky, Delaney’s elderly neighbor, just shook her head when asked about Jim’s plan. “There’s something wrong with that boy,” said the crusty old lady. “He gets some crazy idea in his big melon head and hangs on to it like a stubborn old dog with a bone. You should’ve seen Jim running the local marathon last year. Looked like his ass was suckin’ buttermilk…I thought he was gonna die right there on TV! But wouldn’t ya’ know, that sombitch made it - in nine and a half hours - the last one to cross the finish line.”
Delaney is fully aware of the risks. Everest has claimed over 200 lives so far, and Jim knows he could be the next one. “But I could just as easily check out right here in my living room,” said Delaney. “So is dying while doing something really cool such a bad thing?”
