Hit especially hard by the poor economy, a manufacturer of recreational vehicles is donating some of their excess motor homes and campers to Habitat for Humanity and other charitable organizations as a tax write-off.

Mike Newcomb, spokesman for Iowa-based Winnebago, said that the stalling economy, coupled with the public’s lingering memory of last summer’s $4 gasoline has all but halted demand for the company’s gas-guzzling road-hogs.

Indeed, with price tags running upwards of $100,000, and gas mileage of 4 miles per gallon at best, such a luxury is quickly put on the back-burner by nervous consumers.

“Even many well-heeled retirees - our bread-and-butter customers - have been reluctant to invest in RVs,” stated Newcomb. “We are top-heavy in inventory, and cash flows are being pinched. Might as well find some other uses for these things that are just sitting around in our lot, taking up space. We tried brainstorming new markets for them, adapting the motor homes as storage containers, highway billboards, mobile meth labs…but there just weren’t any takers.”

Then, company execs had an epiphany. “Why not donate a bunch of them for people to live in?,” suggested one of Winnegago’s VPs. “Cripes, why the hell not? They have every comfort of home, and they’re certainly more liveable than those crappy FEMA trailers. I think we can spare a bunch of our older models that we probably wouldn’t sell anyway, and the tax write-offs will sweeten the pot for us.”

CEO Brett Ginsberg couldn’t agree more. “Ever since my stock options tanked and I lost the mortgage on my house, I’ve been living in one of those things,” admitted the company leader. “It’s do-able. All you need is a place to park it, water and sewer hookup and a gas generator. It beats living in some shit hole apartment.”

Officials at Habitat for Humanity were ecstatic over the sudden gesture of generosity.

“This takes a real load off our backs,” exclaimed a Habitat donations coordinator in Knoxville, Tennessee, on word that he was to receive a fleet of the hulking vehicles. “No more planning, no more construction hassles, just drive the damn thing onto the lot, shove some concrete blocks under it, hook up the propane and it’s ready to go in an hour or two. Now we can buy a plot of land and stuff twenty, maybe thirty of these rigs in there.”

Recipients of the new Habitat “homes” were equally enthusiastic.

“Not only do we get our own roof over our heads, we get mobility,” said an unidentified woman as a new camper home was being backed into her lot at a trailer park. “If things get bad here, I lose my job or  something, or creditors start coming after me, I can easily pull up stakes and move our asses right outta here in the middle of the night. I like having that kind of freedom.”

Never mind shrimp on the barbie. Camel is what’s for dinner Down Under.

Due to a swelling population of feral camels, Australian authorities are urging citizens to eat more of them. The animals are becoming pests, nibbling every bit of foliage in sight and leaving heaps of dung everywhere. They’re found in the outback, in the northern jungles, even showing up in major cities, wandering along roads and grazing in parks and residential yards. Brought to the country as pack animals in the 19th century, the dromedaries have now proliferated to over 1 million, and are deemed an invasive species by the government.

(Dingos and cane toads are also considered invasive species in Australia, but is anybody Down Under roasting those on the grill? -Ed.)

Aussies have been more than receptive to this latest environmental call of duty. In fact, they can’t get enough of the delicious camel meat. Served in restaurants everywhere from Sydney to Perth, the delicacy is becoming ubiquitous on menus, more so than kangaroo meat, presently the “official” Australian dish. A cottage industry has sprung up nationwide, with meat processing plants and butcher shops getting into the business. Cut into steaks and chops or ground into burger and sausage, and at roughly half the price of beef, the camel meat flies off the counters of supermarkets throughout the country. Fast food shops and street vendors sell camel kebabs for lunch on the cheap. Camel stew is fast becoming a popular home-cooked meal.

The Australian Parliament has taken notice of this trend and is doing everything it can to encourage more people to butcher and eat camels. A bill in Parliament would declare camel to be the new National Dish of Australia. Hunters are allowed to bag as many of the lumbering ungulates as they want, and can legally shoot them from airplanes. Citizens throughout Oz are jumping on the camel meat bandwagon.

“Crikey! It’s better than ‘roo meat, and wots wrong with ‘roo meat, mate?,” exclaimed Peter Altman, a longshoreman from Sydney. “Me and the missus toss it on the barbie at least twice a week. Slice it thin and serve it on flat bread with some vegemite. It’s very tender and tastes a bit like wallaby. Only thing, it makes me bloody thirsty for hours afterwards.”

“Camels are tasty and nutritious,” said Melinda Haggerty, while eating a plate of camel lo mein at a Chinese eatery. “There’s hardly a restaurant in Sydney that doesn’t serve it. And it’s wild camel - much leaner than the farm-raised stuff.”

However, the success of camel meat hasn’t extended beyond Australia. New Zealanders won’t touch the stuff, and it’s a sure bet it won’t catch on in the U.S. either. So don’t expect to see camel on the menu at your local Outback Steakhouse anytime soon.

In response to the troubled economy, the U.S. Commerce Department’s National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) has decided to reduce the size of the U.S. gallon to a base-10 standard of liquid measure. This move came after intense lobbying by the petroleum, dairy and transportation industries to streamline units of measure.

The decision will mandate that the gallon be downsized from its current 128 ounces to exactly 100 oz, with the ounce itself remaining the same volume. Sub-units, such as the quart, pint, etc. will be replaced by a system of deci-gallons which comprise 10 oz, or one-tenth of a gallon. The decision, which has taken the public by surprise, will be enacted into federal law effective March 1, 2009, to give industries adequate time to recalibrate their scales, pumps and other equipment.

The new unit, dubbed the “Benchmark Gallon” (BMG), will become the required unit of measure for all liquids moved in interstate commerce in the United States, and for all exports from the U.S.

No word has been given by any of the  affected industries as to whether prices of gasoline, milk, chemicals and other liquid commodities will be adjusted accordingly.

Commerce Dept. officials stated that migrating to this base-10 system of gallons, deci-gallons and ounces will make calculations easier for manufacturing, agriculture and shipping industries, thereby saving money.

Wayne Heisenberg, the Commerce Department’s “Unit Czar” appointed last year by President Bush, told members of the press today that “consumers will benefit as well by not having to keep track of an ‘arcane system’ of quarts, pints, fifths, cups, and such. It makes the math much simpler, believe me.”

When asked why the U.S. doesn’t simply convert to metric, which is also a base-10 system, Heisenberg scoffed, “that’s a foreign concept, invented by the French. We wanted to develop a purely American system that real Americans would embrace.”

After a reporter inquired about compatibility issues of the Benchmark Gallon against metric units used by almost every other nation, Heisenberg gave only uncertainty:

“If foreigners want to do business with America, they need to either get on our bandwagon, or just do the math conversion themselves, said the Commerce czar. “They’ll adapt to our way. This system of ours is better than liters, and certainly better than those fruity Imperial Gallons the British use.”

The Commerce Department is next expected to address other unit measures in a similar manner, with plans to reduce the pound from 16 oz. to 10 oz., and the ton from 2000 lbs. to 1000 lbs. Efforts to shrink the dozen from 12 to 10 are also under discussion.

Tina posed this question to the other AITS staffers in a brain-storming session today: What are some of the nutty things you have done while bored in a tourist town? Everybody here in the newsroom came up with some excellent ideas and they are compiled below, in no particular order. The Dirty Dozen of tacky tourist stunts.

Keep in mind that business people and authorities in tourist locations may not share your enthusiasm for these fun pranks, particularly if you’re anywhere in the bible-belt. Attempt these activities at your own risk and don’t call us for bail money.

1. Stop in at the local Visitor’s Bureau or Chamber of Commerce and ask where the hookers and strip joints can be found. (Note: This stunt will have very little shock effect in places like Las Vegas or Atlantic City.)

2. Walk down a busy street with your video camera and be the “roving reporter.” Ask passersby to give their thoughts on “last night’s grisly murders in town.” Catch their reactions on camera for great YouTube moments.

3. Visit the zoo and bring jalapeno peppers to feed the bears. Be sure to record video for more great YouTube moments.

4. Stop everybody you see on the street and ask how to get to the free clinic.

5. Walk in to a local grocery or hardware store. Inquire (in a rather loud voice) that you are staying at the (___) hotel and need lots of mousetraps/rodent bait/roach spray (take your pick). Repeat this question on everyone you encounter in the aisles. Alternative version: same stunt, except say that you’re the new kitchen manager at (___) restaurant.

6. Draw body outlines with chalk on sidewalks near popular tourist attractions. Lurk nearby and observe people’s reactions. Bonus points if you toss in some fake blood and empty cartridge casings. If you have time, string up some “Police Line” tape.

7. Ask the concierge at your hotel (or any hotel) where you can hop on “that big yellow tour bus that drives by all the crack houses, brothels and meth labs.”

8. Find a busy intersection and busk for spare change, playing “air guitar.” For added effect, set an empty guitar case near your feet for people to toss their money into. See how much you can collect in an hour.

9. Go to a fine restaurant and order the cheapest appetizer on the menu - with water. After eating it, stand up, display your best expression of pure horror, and scream “SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!” Then plunk down the appropriate sum of cash on the table and bolt for the door with your hand over your mouth.

10. Stop back in at the local Visitor’s Bureau or Chamber of Commerce. Ask them why Michael Moore is in town with a film crew interviewing random tourists on the streets. While you’re there, also ask them about “last night’s grisly murders in town” that you just heard about from some other tourist.

11. Write your own parking tickets for cars in the area. Make up bogus “violations” and write them with pen on lined notebook paper. For example: “excessive air in tires.” Sign the bottom with “Have a nice day…and keep (town) weird.”

12. Play “Tourette’s Tourist.” Walk around in a crowded public area while making strange tics and twitches, babbling to yourself and occasionally spouting obscenities and other inappropriate remarks. Stop people to ask for directions while staying in-character.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested on corruption charges today, accused of trying to auction Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder on eBay. The culmination of a 3-year sting operation by federal authorities, today’s arrest also sheds light on a number of other alleged illegal activities by the Governor, including posting Wrigley Field for sale in the “Sporting Goods” section of Craigslist, and attempts to sell off Navy Pier and the Sears Tower on various online auction sites.

Federal investigators also believe the Governor had illegally auctioned off government-owned computer equipment and numerous state-owned vehicles, along with an assortment of office supply items pilfered from the state Capitol supply room.

Unsubstantiated reports that Blagojevich had attempted to contact Oprah Winfrey as a possible buyer of the Senate seat were swiftly and clearly denied by Oprah’s publicists. An unnamed spokesperson for Winfrey issued a brief communique to the media, stating only that Oprah “isn’t the least bit interested in filling the vacant U.S. Senate seat formerly held by President-Elect Obama, but is nonetheless flattered that someone out there thinks she’s qualified for it.”

The wheels of justice turn quickly in the sleepy farm town of Valentine, Nebraska. It wasn’t but two weeks ago when we reported the capture of the mysterious “Butt Bandit.”  Thomas Larvie, 35, was accused of the heinous act of greasing up his ass with petroleum jelly and pressing it against windows and buildings around town, leaving his trademark rump design imprinted on the surfaces. Larvie’s 3-year crime spree left local residents living in a perpetual state of fear.

Now, after a Cherry County jury convicted him of several counts of public indecency and disturbing the peace, Judge Warren G. Boyd gave Larvie the maximum sentence of 7 years in the state penitentiary, with the possibility of parole after about two and a half years. The judge admonished Larvie, and warned him to be on his best behavior while serving out his term, stating “Your ass is mine.”

After his sentence was handed down, Larvie was asked by reporters how he plans to cope with life behind bars.

“I guess I won’t be getting my booty lathered up with Vaseline any more,” responded Larvie, as he was being led away in shackles. “Not voluntarily, anyway.”

Local merchants are now capitalizing on the publicity, selling “Free the Butt-Bandit” t-shirts, coffee mugs and other souvenirs in their stores and online. A line of “CSI: Nebraska” t-shirts and other apparel is in the making and expected in stores soon.

At 5 feet 8 inches and 350 pounds, Jim Delaney isn’t the epitome of fitness. In fact, he can’t even climb the front steps to his home without sucking wind. But don’t let that get in the way of his aspiration to climb 29,000 feet up Mount Everest. The barrel-chested 42-year old machinist from Waukesha, Wisconsin, has been planning his Himalayan climb for 6 years now, and intends to summit the peak next July.

Nobody thinks he can do it.

“I’ll have to climb slowly, do the Everest thing a little at a time,” said Delaney from his La-Z-Boy recliner, as he was enjoying a bag of Doritos and a fotie. “Walk a while, sit down to rest, then walk a little farther. Have a bite to eat and go a little more. It might take a few weeks, maybe a month to get up there and probably a few weeks to get back down. But that’s OK, as I have a tent, oxygen, lots of supplies, and nothing but time. And my Nepalese visa is good for 6 months.”

Delaney is planning no training for the event. No climbing instruction, no fitness regimens, no medical exams. “What would be the point? Physically fit people climb that peak all the time, it’s no big deal,” argued Delaney as he lit up a smoke. “How often do you see a sedentary, morbidly obese guy like me going up there? Now that would be a feat!”

Still, Delaney is getting prepared for the trip by researching the subject. He has read several books on the subject and scanned countless Internet sites for trail pictures. Delaney even has a hand-held GPS receiver with the southeast climb route saved in the memory. “I can visualize the whole route right in my head, said Delaney. “It’s like I’m almost there, man!”

Delaney has squirreled away over $36,000 to pay for the trip, using money siphoned from his kids’ college funds, and from cashing in aluminum beer cans over the past several years. Delaney will need every penny of it to hire trained Sherpa guides, who will carry his equipment, provisions, oxygen, snacks and beer up the blustery peak.

Delaney’s wife Linda has tried numerous times to talk him out of it, saying it’s an almost certain death sentence, but to no avail. “Those Sherpas better bring a stretcher along to haul his big fat ass down from that mountain, that’s all I can say,” said an exasperated Linda. “He’s a big boy, he knows what he’s getting into. I’ve never been able to influence that obstinate old fool, why would that change now?”

Jim Delaney scoffs at his wife’s concerns. “She doesn’t know a crampon from a tampon. Don’t listen to her doom-and-gloom. I’m gonna pull this one off.”

Carol Brodsky, Delaney’s elderly neighbor, just shook her head when asked about Jim’s plan. “There’s something wrong with that boy,” said the crusty old lady. “He gets some crazy idea in his big melon head and hangs on to it like a stubborn old dog with a bone. You should’ve seen Jim running the local marathon last year. Looked like his ass was suckin’ buttermilk…I thought he was gonna die right there on TV! But wouldn’t ya’ know, that sombitch made it - in nine and a half hours - the last one to cross the finish line.”

Delaney is fully aware of the risks. Everest has claimed over 200 lives so far, and Jim knows he could be the next one. “But I could just as easily check out right here in my living room,” said Delaney. “So is dying while doing something really cool such a bad thing?”

After more than 100 years of trying, Michigan’s Upper Peninsula has announced that it will finally secede from the United States at the end of the year, due to long-standing frustration over being wedged between Canada and the lower part of Michigan. The move comes with hopes of ending decades of boredom in the remote location, and addressing the general lack of recognition from those in other parts of the continent.

The Upper Peninsula, or “U.P.” as it has been called by locals, so-called “Yoopers,” will become a sovereign commonwealth nation of the United States, the first of its kind. The new nation-state will be self-ruling, with its own constitution and political leadership, but will remain closely tied to the U.S., borrowing some federal government services as needed and sending truckloads of logs in return.

“It just seemed like the thing to do,” said Terry Urbanski, director of regional promotions for the U.P. “This should put us back on the map and get us some media attention for a while. And hopefully, some more tourist money.”

While no official name has been selected yet for the new territory, citizens have been asked to submit their entries to a panel of judges. Suggested names so far include “BackMichigan,” “Boondockistan,” and ”Yoopia.” The winning contributor will receive their choice of either a duck boat or a snowmobile trailer. Selection of the new name is expected to occur some time in February.

The commonwealth will endure a number of political, economic and logistical hurdles as it becomes a self-governing entity. Succession of power, drafting a constitution, engaging in trade agreements, and making an eventual switch from U.S. currency to beaver pelts will be just a few of the challenges the new country will face.

Unlike the secession of the Confederacy nearly 150 years ago which precipitated the Civil War, this latest breakaway from the U.S. has been all but unnoticed in the rest of the United States. State Department officials in Washington issued this press release:

“The government of the United States does not oppose nor will it interfere with the secession of the Upper Peninsula, or whatever the hell you plan to call it. If that’s what you really want to do, more power to you. We wish nothing but good luck and prosperity to our northern neighbors as you create your new nation. Let us know if you need any help. All the best!”

Knowing a market opportunity when it sees one, the Coca-Cola company announced today that it will be collecting and bottling glacial meltwater from the Greenland icepack. The soft drink giant has disclosed plans to set up several bottling plants along the coast of the giant arctic island that would produce over 15 million half-liter containers a month of its latest bottled water product, tentatively branded “Icemelt.”

The proposed facilities will be an economic boon to the mostly Inuit inhabitants of Greenland’s sparsely-populated western coast, where hunting and fishing are the primary industries. Erik Daneskog, Minister of Economic Development for the Danish island territory is ecstatic. “It is our hope that Greenland will become known for more than just whale blubber, fermented shark meat and pickled cod. We welcome this new market for our natural resources. One thing we have in abundance is ice, though we may not have that for long. So I say let’s try to make the best of it while it lasts!”

But the move is not without its critics, drawing the scorn of environmental groups. Sierra Club spokesman Nathan Dilweed leveled harsh criticism at the plan. “It’s bad enough that we humans are creating this meltdown of the earth’s icecaps in the first place through global warming. Now we have parasitic corporations exploiting the results of that. It’s almost a tacit approval by Coca-Cola of mankind’s heavy carbon footprint. It’s enough to make me want to drink Pepsi!”

Company officials scoff at those claims. Lisa Ceretti, media relations specialist for Coke’s bottled water products division, swiftly responded to the criticism, stating, ”that ice is going to melt anyway. Why not make use of it instead of just letting it drain into the sea where it will decrease ocean salinity, impacting delicate marine ecosystems, raising sea levels which will flood coastlines, and chilling ocean currents, causing disturbances in weather patterns, resulting in extinctions and unnatural migrations of animals? Do those wacky tree-huggers have a smart-alecky answer for that one? Do they?”

Coca-Cola is applying that exact line of reasoning in its marketing efforts to reach out to a younger, more eco-conscious crowd. “Once the public realizes that consuming our bottled water will prevent some of the glacial runoff from reaching the oceans, Icemelt will become the must-have green Greenlandic water,” added Ceretti. “Mark my words.”

Coca-Cola hopes to bring its new bottled water to market in the U.S. and Europe before warm weather sets in next summer. The company plans to market the water to upscale customers through high-end grocery retailers and fine restaurants.

A British stable employee has admitted to having a 2-year affair with one of his employer’s horses. Leeroy Le Gallais, 46, of St. Peter Port, Guernsey, had numerous sexual encounters with “Calico” in the evenings after he completed his chores at the Castel Stable. Le Gallais would sometimes sneak back into the stable late after a night of drinking for another romp with the 5 year old mare.

Michael Wortley, Calico’s owner, didn’t have a clue during that time. “I noticed that Leeroy spent an inordinate amount of time with that horse, but I simply chalked that up to his fastidiousness, and the fact that Calico was a bit more needy than the other mares. Le Gallais talked to that horse an awful lot. But I had no idea it was…ugh…that!”

Le Gallais had been confronted that day by one of the horse’s trainers, who noticed that the mare was not walking quite right, having a “box gait” in which the horse walks sideways. Le Gallais confessed on the spot, saying only, “I would have a few beers, then go to the stable and interfere with the horse. Maybe I had a bit of an urge, a nagging desire or something. But I didn’t intend to make her walk funny. I must have a gift.”

Le Gallais was promptly terminated from his job at the stable, and Wortley also obtained a restraining order, stipulating that Le Gallais was not to come within 100 yards of any of Wortley’s horses. Wortley also tried to press criminal charges against the former stable worker, but local police said that no laws were broken, since bestiality laws didn’t apply to farm animals.

Still, Wortley is trying to get the word out. “I want people to know what kind of a person this Leeroy Le Gallais chap is, in the hope that some other poor animal won’t have to suffer the same fate as my dear, dear Calico.”

No word yet as to whether Wortley will seek counseling for the traumatized mare.

A group of enterprising business students at an Ohio State University fraternity house hired a prostitute for an evening, then sold $10 raffle tickets for the opportunity on Craigslist.

Rusty Blades, a senior at OSU and chapter president of the Delta Sigma Pi fraternity, hired a local call girl, “Shugga Pops,” for a 1-hour session one Friday night last month. Blades then posted ads on the Columbus, Ohio, Craigslist personals section, raffling the one hour encounter with the hooker for $10 a pop. In drafting the ad, Blades was careful with his wording to avoid being caught by local law enforcement who routinely scour the site.

The ad received a total of 271 paid responses by the time the ad closed three hours later and frat members drew the winner’s name. The raffle winner, local realtor Jacob McGill, was perplexed at first.

“I saw the ad on Craigslist, but couldn’t tell for sure what they were selling as the wording was kinda funny,” said McGill. “Hell, I thought it was a ‘meat raffle,’ so I sent in my tenner via PayPal, hoping for a side of beef or something. Then those guys called to tell me I won. This wasn’t quite what I had in mind. Nothing at all like the meat raffles they have down at the local Legion hall. But what the hell, it was only ten bucks, and I’ve got nothing else planned tonight. I’ll give it a go.”

Delta Sigma Pi was even generous enough to have a room ready for the encounter, providing a venue for McGill and Shugga Pops to do their 60 minute hookup in one of the rooms for new pledges.

Minus the $300 cost of the hooker, the frat house cleared just over $2400 from the event.

“This was so spectacularly successful, we might pull it off again next weekend,” said an enthusiastic Blades. “Maybe this could become a weekly fund-raiser for the fraternity house.”

The event didn’t go unnoticed by the University. One of Blades’ professors got wind of the promotion and was thoroughly impressed by his student’s initiative and creative thinking.

“You might be able to use this for a case-study or perhaps write a term paper on the experience,” suggested Steven Hietpas, Blades’ Advanced Marketing class professor. “This is the kind of ‘outside-the-box’ thinking I want to instill in my students. Nicely played!”

McGill was more pragmatic: “Who says you can’t get laid for ten bucks anymore!”

After major hits to the financial and automotive industries, the adult entertainment industry appears to be the latest victim of the economic downturn. The recession has dealt serious blows to adult film and exotic dancing businesses nationwide. Rentals of porno videos, sales of skin magazines, attendances at strip clubs, and visits to XXX Internet sites have plunged more than 30% in the last three months. Even prostitution business has declined as customers have been staying home with their wives and girlfriends in order to save money.

Lobbyists representing these industries are expected to descend on Washington in hopes of leveraging some federal bailout money to help the cash-strapped businesses.

Ricky Pinder, owner and operator of SweatyMILFplumpers-dot-com, and chief lobbyist for the Internet Porno Marketing Association, is expected to meet with a Senate panel early next week to ask for up to $10 billion in financial assistance to his beleaguered industry.

“We’re just not seeing the click-throughs we used to on our sites,” lamented Pinder. “Used to be we could count on massive web traffic from users at work and schools. But with the bad economy, coupled with more corporate use policies and filtering software, our revenues are now a fraction of what they were this time last year. People are simply unplugging from their fantasies. We need help.”

But after Congress turned away the Big Three automakers last month, the chances of the pornography industry netting any bailout money are slim, despite the immense popularity of these businesses with many Washington power-brokers.

Still, representatives from the XXX industry will try their best at persuading a budget-conscious Congress.

“Much of our competition online is coming from low-paying porno sweatshops in Russia and southeast Asia,” said a spokeswoman who only identified herself as “Koko.” “We can’t compete with that. It’s a definite threat to American jobs. We have real people in our communities hurt by this situation: sons and daughters, friends, neighbors, wives and girlfriends. I hope that Congress realizes the impact this will have on our economy and on our people.”

Pinder and his fellow lobbyists will show a detailed PowerPoint presentation and video clips to the Senate panel, in hopes of directing their attention to his industry’s plight.

“We have lots of goodies to show them next week,” said a hopeful Pinder. “After we give them a taste of  what we do and what’s at stake, they’ll be whipping out their checkbooks!”

With the economy steadily worsening and tax revenues declining, the state of Idaho has been forced to close many of its major rural highways, including Interstate highways, for the winter. This move came after the State Treasurer’s Office announced that there would not be enough funding to maintain highways until the Legislature reconvened in Spring 2009.

Ron Crane, Idaho State Treasurer, announced last month in a press conference that highway maintenance funds for the state “would be nearly exhausted” by the end of 2008, leaving little funding for snow-removal or highway patrol coverage. “To put it bluntly, Idaho will be shut down for the winter,” said Crane in an interview on NPR.

In response to the budget shortfall, Idaho Governor C.L. “Butch” Otter has issued an executive order to the state Department of Transportation, that would effectively close most major state and federal highways in the state for the winter, including Interstate highways 15, 84, 86, and 90. The state plans to use the existing highway winter closure gates at on-ramps to block traffic from entering the roads, and has advised out of state motorists to plan alternate routes to divert around Idaho. In-state motorists will feel little impact from the closures, having access to secondary highways and logging roads which will remain open. Highways in and around Boise, the state’s largest metropolitan area, will also stay open to prevent gridlock.

The executive order will be in effect from midnight December 31, 2008, until May 1, 2009. The state originally planned to close the roads beginning in early December, but pushed back the start date to year’s end to allow time for holiday travelers to pass through the state unobstructed on their way home. But come the New Year, the gates will close, and cross-country travelers will be forced to use alternate routes through neighboring states or across southern Canada. It is believed that the closures will save the state over $18 million in maintenance and law enforcement costs.

The Idaho State Patrol issued an ominous warning to anyone who might be tempted to side-step the gates and attempt travel on blocked highways. “We have fines of up to 500 dollars for anyone convicted of passing a closed gate in a motor vehicle,” cautioned Patrol Lieutenant Mike Broderick. “If you feel the need to go four wheeling or snowmobiling this winter, we suggest you do it in a legal area. And if we have to rescue you from a closed roadway, you’ll also get the bill for any emergency and towing services used to pull your sorry ass out of there.”

Governor Otter expressed his regrets to those affected by the measure. “The people of Idaho are truly sorry for this inconvenience. We hate to scare people away from our fine state, especially during peak skiing season. But unless you’re flying in here or you plan to drive back roads, you might want to stay away for a few months, as Idaho will be essentially closed up.”