An Arlington, Texas, woman found a wallet containing over 600 dollars cash lying in a nightclub parking lot yesterday evening. After counting the cash and pausing a few seconds to consider the possibilities, she discreetly tucked the bills into her back pocket, looked around and tossed the wallet in a nearby trash bin.

“Every time I read one of those fluff pieces in the news where some good samaritan finds money and returns it, I just wanna hurl,” said Teresa Diaz, 28, as she walked toward her Lexus SUV. “I’m sick of hearing about all these goody two-shoes. I mean, really! What sort of retard hands back that kind of money? In this economy?”

“Maybe it’s not the ‘right’ thing,” Diaz continued. “But I’ve got bills to pay, and if you’re stupid enough to carry around that kind of cash and lose it, well too bad for you. Finders keepers. I still have a $4000 balance due for the boob job I got last year. Who’s gonna help pay for that, the friggin’ tooth fairy?”

A recent test showed that 74 of 100 people who found a wallet would return it.

“I guess I’d be one of the 26 ‘bad’ ones,” said Diaz, trying in vain to hold back a grin. “At least I can find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in that.”

Embattled Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced that he will be skipping his own impeachment trial in protest, claiming the trial is “like a hanging.” (Don’t give us any ideas, Rod.) The helmet-haired narcissist laid on the drama even thicker when he compared his plight to Pearl Harbor. Next the delusional diva characterized his trial as a “kangaroo court.” Then he compared himself to a Frank Capra movie character. Finally he decided to make an appearance at his impeachment trial. But his whiny pleas for mercy couldn’t save him, as he gets the boot by unanimous vote. What a week.

Eight inmates were hospitalized after a riot broke out at a federal prison in Florida. It is believed that the massive fight started in response to the prison’s suspension of cable TV privileges to the inmates.

Speaking of video…Pope Benedict XVI has launched his very own YouTube channel. We’re looking forward to some must-see video action there. Perhaps even something of historical significance.

Meanwhile, the Pope let a holocaust-denying bishop out of the doghouse, a move that has angered Jewish leaders around the world. Pope Benedict, himself once a member of the Hitler Youth and later the German Army during WWII, apparently found a kindred spirit in U.K. Bishop Richard Williamson and rehabilitated him from excommunication. What are friends for, afterall?

Wikipedia will soon add editorial safeguards to ensure that users are submitting accurate information to the site. Under the new plan, a submitter must enter a home  address and telephone number along with their proposed article or article edit. A Wikipedia staffer will then contact the submitter by phone and conduct an interview to verify the information in the article before allowing it to be posted it on the site.

Actor Tom Hanks apologized for referring to Mormons who supported California’s Proposition 8 as “un-American.” Hanks gave a brief statement, saying “No one should use ‘un-American’ lightly, or in haste. I did. I should not have.”

Perhaps he should have used a more fitting description, like “wack-job cultist freaks.” Or maybe “backwoods redneck fucktards.” Then again, Mr. Hanks is too nice of a guy to say something like that. But we on the other hand…

A 14-year-old kid successfully impersonated a Chicago police officer. How did he do it? He simply walked into a precinct house in “uniform” and got an assignment for the day. He was even being sent on a patrol with another real officer (a real one), before some of Chicago’s finest discovered the ruse. Five hours later, that is. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets tased.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled unapologetically by Tina. Have a nice weekend.

An ancient petroglyph depicting cartoon character Charlie Brown was found etched into a large boulder found along the shore of the Ohio River in Kentucky last month. The 8-ton sandstone boulder, discovered by two squirrel hunters, was transported to the history department at Kentucky State University, where scientists performed carbon-dating analysis of the etchings. Anthropologists believe the image was chiseled into the rock by an indigenous comic tribe which resided in the area centuries before Europeans landed in America. If authentic, the stone carving would predate cartoonist Charles M. Schultz’s depictions of the lovable Peanuts character by more than 700 years.

Discovery of the etchings has generated alarm at United Features Syndicate, publishers and owners of the Peanuts cartoon characters. The publishing company is concerned that the existence of the etching may jeopardize their copyrights. Attorneys for the company are claiming the rock to be a fraud, and are demanding an independent analysis of it at their laboratory facility in Portsmouth, Ohio.

Meanwhile, archaeologists are excavating the adjacent area in hopes of finding similar rock carvings of Snoopy, Lucy, Pigpen, Linus, Franklin, Peppermint Patty, Sally and Woodstock.

We love it when our elected officials do some really stupid shit in the course of their duties. It gives us lots to talk about. We consider it job security.

Representative Pete King (R-NY) is proposing a bill that would prohibit camera phones from taking photos without emitting an accompanying sound. Apparently, the Long Island Congressman is concerned over the specter of camera-wielding scoundrels silently snapping photos of unsuspecting people. Watch out for those ninja photogs in the health club dressing rooms! The bill would require manufacturers to incorporate an audible tone in all camera cellphones, and would also make it a crime for anyone to bypass the tone. Interestingly, the bill does not cover standard cameras, some of which are smaller and more concealable than cellphones.

The name of the proposed law is ominous: The Camera Phone Predator Alert Act. Who comes up with this shit? There must be a special committee in Congress whose sole task is to fabricate dramatic titles for each piece of legislation that passes through. This one should conjure up images of evil insidious predators, swiftly and silently stalking their prey, cellphone in hand, ready to pounce on some poor, unsuspecting victim. The notion of this brings goosebumps to our forearms.

In touting the bill, Rep. King cited a need to curb the problem of exploitative photos of children (won’t somebody please think of the children?). Evidently, Rep. King thinks a simple “beep” will alert us when predators with camera phones are around. We should all sleep better at night.

However, the cynics here at Alligators In The Sewer have a different theory:

We think the Congressman may be covering an ulterior motive. Perhaps he has personally endured the wrath of a camera phone or two. The issue is obviously hitting a raw nerve with this guy. Perhaps there are some embarassing photos of the Congressman floating around out on the Intertubes. We can only imagine what that can be, but right now our staffers are scouring Google Image Search and Facebook, looking for that proverbial smoking gun. We’ll report back if we uncover anything.

A Michigan postal delivery employee was found to have hoarded nearly 3500 pounds of undelivered mail. The letters, postcards and parcels, processed through the Howell, Michigan, postal center over the past 6 years, were discovered in a massive pile along the back wall of the garage at the home of Jill Hull, 44.

Hull was arrested by federal authorities last week after a search warrant was executed at her home. Hull’s coworkers were oblivious to the activity.

“She was kind of a slacker,” said Mark Chambers, sorter at the Howell facility. “Not that that makes you stand out around here. In fact, she naturally fit in. But we really had no idea this kind of hoarding was going on. Some of the boys grab up the occasional skin magazine that comes through here, but nothing like that.”

Postal inspectors were tipped off by a neighbor who observed Hull dumping mail in her garage one afternoon.

Hull was hired by the Postal Service 8 years ago, despite her inability to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds. It was that disability that drove Hull to dumping huge loads of mail every day, rather than carrying it on her deliveries. Hull would routinely back the delivery truck into her garage and push the undelivered mail onto the floor with a broom.

Hull did not respond to questions from reporters, and phone messages to her house were not returned. Hull’s attorney made a brief statement, claiming his client was merely collecting stacks of junk mail to “build a bunker” in her garage.

Hull has been charged with felony mail theft. No arraignment date has been set.

The Calgary Zoo is now one goat shy of a menagerie, after a Turkmenian markhor hanged itself from a mooring rope in its cage last weekend. Zoo staffers tried unsuccessfully to resuscitate the animal. It appears the death was a suicide.

Biologists at the zoo now believe that seasonal affective disorder (SAD) was the the primary factor in the caprine catastrophe. Calgary’s long, cold winters can give rise to bouts of depression and anxiety among animals, and one zoo staffer admitted that the goat had been “acting kinda funny” the last few days.

The zoological community was crushed by the news.

“If only we could’ve gotten to him before he made that tragic decision,” said Aldrich Becker, an animal psychologist at the zoo. “But the warning signs just weren’t obvious - how were we to know?”

“The effects of depression can be devastating, as this tragedy clearly illustrates,” added Becker. “These animals need to know that they are not alone and that they needn’t suffer in silence. We have counselors on call at the zoo that they can lean on, 24/7.”

Yesterday afternoon we heard Weather Dog howling in the shop next door to AITS headquarters. He howls a lot whenever the weather gets a bit spooky, and the mercury was plunging below zero with a strong north wind. But this time the howling was going non-stop. To the point where we couldn’t think straight and even the Ebn-Ozn blaring out of Norm’s boombox could not drown it out.

The shop occupying the other half of our building is a metal recycling company that recovers lead, copper, etc., from pipes and old car batteries. The people in that shop are usually pretty good about keeping the noise to a minimum, so it seemed particularly out of place that their dog was allowed to howl continuously during business hours.

Tina picked up the phone and called them to see what was up. But to her surprise, the shop’s phone was disconnected. Hmmmm…

“Hey Maynard, why don’t you run around to the back and see if everything is alright,” said Tina.

A few minutes later, Maynard came back to report that the place was locked up tight and the windows had been spray painted over. He had pounded on the door, but no answer.

“I’ve got a plan,” exclaimed Gordy as he dashed out the front door and to his car, parked on the street. He returned with a set of professional lock-picks.

“I took a few courses last year at the vo-tech,” said Gordy. “I was training to be an apprentice locksmith, but things didn’t work out there.”

Uh-huh. We really don’t want to know.

Within a minute Gordy got the side door of the metal shop opened, and he returned to the newsroom, a sense of urgency on his face.

“You all better head over there with me and have a look,” said Gordy. The Newsroom emptied in seconds as all of us followed Gordy around the back of the building.

Stepping into the metal shop, we made a shocking discovery. The place was completely vacated. Everything gone, except for poor Weather Dog, who was chained up in a corner. The heat had been shut off and the water in his bowl was frozen over. He was curled up and shivering on an old towel on the floor. Apparently, the shop’s owners pulled up stakes in the dead of night, as we never saw or heard anything. And left the poor dog to freeze.

Bastards.

Norm dialed 911 on his cell and a Minneapolis police officer was on the scene about 15 minutes later.

“We’ve been watching those guys for a couple months now,” said the officer. But we didn’t expect them to just pull out like that. They’re in the wind now…we should’ve put a stakeout on this place. Aside from that, I can’t tell you anything more.”

“What’s gonna happen to the dog?,” inquired Norm.

“We’ll call animal control…unless you guys want him,” replied the cop.

“Damn right we want him!,” said Norm, about to come unglued at the thought of this beautiful animal being sent to an unimaginable fate at the local dog pound.

While the police were poking around the abandoned shop and waiting for the hazmat crew to arrive, we brought Weather Dog over to AITS headquarters where he quickly warmed up and started chasing Bug the Cat. Bug took a swipe at the dog’s face and Weather Dog slinked under a desk where he remained for a half hour.

“Pretty wussy dog,” said Tina. “Let’s name him ‘Bill.’ That’s the name of a kid I used to beat up all the time back in grade school.”

So now it’s Bill the Weather Dog, rescued and now taking up residence at AITS headquarters. This place is turning into a madhouse.

Norm looked at all of us and glared. “The dog stays, but no more fucking pets around here, OK? Maynard, you’ve got a new task to add to your repertoire. You get to take care of Bill. Walk him, feed him, and clean up his shit. Consider it job security.”

Norm reached for his wallet and peeled off a few twenties. “Here’s some cash, Maynard. Go over to Fleet Farm and get the biggest bag of dog food you can find, and a flea collar too. We’re in this for the long haul.”

President Obama sworn into office. Nearly two million people showed up to witness the event. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts botched the presidential oath when the cue-card guy on stage dropped one of the cards during the recital. Meanwhile, the Obama family moved into the White House only to find it a wreck. Bonus surprise when they discovered the following day that Dick Cheney was still living in a makeshift bedroom in a corner of the basement. Secret Service agents were called in to evict the former Vice President, who seemed oblivious to the fact that a new President had assumed power.

Obama issued executive order, shutting down Guantanamo detention center. This resulted in a mad jailbreak with hundreds of freed prisoners pouring into Cuba. Several crazed jihadists were caught raiding Fidel Castro’s mansion and emptying the Cuban leader’s liquor cabinets. Ironically, Castro called on the Obama Administration to “quit using my country as a dumping ground for your unwanted people.”

And while we’re on the subject of banana republic despots with funny hats…Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez once again asked his nation’s voters to elect him president-for-life. Or else he will step down in 2013. Or he’ll ask again later. Or he’ll nationalize another industry. Or something.

Caroline Kennedy, uh, y’know, decided to, y’know, not pursue the Senate seat vacated by Hillary Clinton. Kennedy said it’s a “personal decision” and is unrelated, uh, y’know, to her Uncle Ted’s health issues, y’know. Yeah, we know. And don’t care.

US Airways announced it would send $5000 checks to each passenger aboard Flight 1549, which made a heroic emergency landing in the Hudson River last week with no fatalities. However, the airline was quick to point out that passengers from the flight will not be eligible for frequent flier miles, since the plane technically only traveled a few miles from take off at LaGuardia Airport.

Microsoft Corp. made public its plan to cut 5000 employees, due to sluggish sales. The announcement, which was sent to MS staff via email, caused an immediate system crash of the company’s mail servers. IT technicians were called in to reboot the servers - twice - to revive the fallen network which had been down for over 45 minutes.

The season 5 premier of ABC’s hit series “Lost” aired Tuesday evening, after a nine-month hiatus. In order to help get atrophied viewers back up to speed, the network had mailed out full-color plot diagrams to households across the nation last week, and has set up a toll-free Q&A hotline to help confused fans with their inquiries.

Nashville voters rejected a referendum to make English the official language when they realized that most of them aren’t terribly proficient at the language either. “It would seem hypocritical to force an English-only requirement on everybody when three-fourths of the people in this town talk with an unintelligible mush-mouthed drawl,” said one unidentified voter who had recently moved there from New York.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Norm. Have a nice weekend.

Thousands of motorcyclists from around Africa and Europe rolled in to Lagos, Nigeria, wearing ersatz helmets fashioned from hollowed-out melons. They came as a response to an email sent to millions around the world, promising a free Harley Davidson motorcycle to each of the first 100 bikers to show up  in the city with fruit hulls adorned on their heads. People showed up on motorbikes, sporting various melons, pumpkins and gourds atop their heads.

The offer, which of course turned out to be a hoax, was merely intended to test Nigeria’s new poorly-written helmet law, which apparently did not state what type of material must be used to cover the noggins of bikers or their passengers. The crafty Nigerians took advantage of the law’s gaping loophole (not to mention the gullibility of a few thousand bikers), encouraging motorcyclists to use hollowed-out melons as headgear.

Yusef Garba, an official with the Nigerian Department of Road Safety, cautioned the riders. ”Motorcycle crashes can have serious consequences and people with resulting brain injuries can end up in a vegetative state. Oh wait, they kind of are already, he he.”

Naturally, upon learning that the whole event was a gag, a riot ensued among the crowd of angry and drunken bikers, with bottles flying everywhere.

“I’m bloody aggro,” said Liam MacManus, who ferried his BMW bike from Edinburgh to Morocco then drove over two thousand miles for the so-called contest. “I crossed two bloody continents to win a new bike. But what the fuck, we might as well party while we’re here.  I’ll be piss drunk by sundown.”

As alcohol flowed and large groups of local women started mingling with the congregation of bikers, the mood turned more festive, resulting in a strange sort of ad-hoc bike rally.

“This could end up better than Sturgis, the people here are friendly, and the weather’s great,” remarked MacManus, after downing several pints of the local swill. “It wasn’t such a bad trip afterall. A bunch of melon-heads having a good time. Maybe we’ll ride down here again next January.”

After a lackluster first half of the show Tuesday night, American Idol suddenly turned things around - and turned some viewers heads - with its next entry. Just a week after former Hooters girl Katrina Darrell made the judges’ jaws drop to the floor in Phoenix, another contestant aimed for the sex appeal vote. And again it worked.

Twenty two year old San Rafael, California native Tanya Franco walked in the San Francisco audition room. Looking like a reluctant Victoria’s Secret model, clad only in the skimpiest lingerie imaginable, the striking brunette stood rather self-consciously before the panel of judges. Tanya tried her best to smile for the cameras as the judges tried to regain their composure. After a few awkward moments of dead silence, and with the eyes nearly popping out of Simon’s and Randy’s heads, Simon broke the ice.

“So Tanya, what made you want to become a singer?”

“My Mom was my inspiration,” replied Franco, a bit more at ease now. “She would dance atop the tables at the local tavern and sing. Guys would throw money at her. Mom wasn’t much of a singer, but that’s not why they were throwing dollar bills. I learned a lot from her experiences.”

After two nervous false-starts, Tanya launched into an off-key rendition of Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All.”

After the first verse, Simon motioned for Tanya to end the auditory torture. The judges were trying their best to hold back the giggles. Then a long pause.

Randy: “Yo, the singing was a bit weak, but I think with a little polish, you could become star-quality. I can’t put my finger on it…somethin’ about you…I like you. I’m gonna say ‘yes.’”

Kara: “Your vocal abilities just aren’t up to what it takes to be successful here. I’m afraid I’m going to have to pass. Sorry.”

Paula: “I really like you, you’re very sweet. You have a nice way about you, and a nice stage presence. I say ‘yes.’”

Simon: “That was, without a doubt, the most bloody awful thirty seconds of caterwauling I have ever heard in my life. That being said, Tanya, I sincerely think you have the poise and the looks to sell millions of records to horny, tone-deaf, 16-year old wankers all over America. It’s a ‘yes’ from me…you’re going to Hollywood.”

Randy: “Welcome to Hollywood, baby!”

And so, the lucky Idol wannabe pulled off a 3-1 vote to send her to the next round. But Simon wasn’t quite ready to send Ms. Franco out the door to run the Seacrest gauntlet just yet.

“Now let’s see some of that American Idol enthusiasm, Tanya,” added the feisty Brit, with a devilish grin. “Jump up and down a bit for us. Again. OK, one more time. Right. Very good. Off you go now.”

Just a day after Barack Obama’s historic inauguration as the 44th President of the United States, he and his family moved in to the White House, only to discover to their horror the state of neglect and decay that awaited them.

The President’s youngest daughter, Sasha, ventured into the cellar and made a horrifying discovery.

“Eeeeeeek! There’s creepy things crawling around in here!”

The first family discovered huge colonies of termites and ants, which infested the lower levels of the White House, even causing some of the walls to crumble.

Incoming White House staff maintenance engineer, Vince Souza, has his work cut out.

“The place is OK structurally, but there’s substantial damage and it needs a lot of drywall,” said Souza. “We’ve been running constantly trying to keep up with the deterioration, but we seem to be losing this battle. The exterminators have taken out most of the colonies, but a few still remain. There’s also a significant amount of mold and mildew in there.”

The White House had fallen victim to eight years of abuse and neglect. Bugs are not the only problem, as the Obamas made some other shocking revelations: missing household items.

“All the towels are gone!,” exclaimed Michelle Obama. “Not a single bath towel, washcloth or dishrag to be found anywhere. Can you believe that? We sent out a staffer to Ikea to pick up a few things to tide us over.”

Some of the White House china and silverware are also missing, believed to have been plundered by guests over the past several years. Yet, one White House staffer is not at all surprised.

“Every president had his quirks in this place,” said Barbara Monson, longtime Director of Services for the White House. “Reagan kept leaving stuff all over the place and forgetting where it was. Clinton left various undergarments strewn about on the floors. Nixon had closed-circuit cameras installed - you can still see some of the wires running along the walls. But Bush…every time he had his high-rolling buddies over here, things would turn up missing. Those people pillaged this place.”

Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was incensed.

“What kind of white-trash hillbillies did we have running around in this place?,” fumed Emanuel. “Bastard even left an upper-decker in the Oval Office shitter on his way out! It goes without saying that George W. Bush is not getting his deposit back!”

“There has been no accountability here the last eight years,” added the First Lady. “But change is going to come to this house, mark my words.”

In an effort to provide entertainment and boost local morale in the dead of winter, officials in a remote coal-mining and ranching town near Bismarck, North Dakota, are proposing to videotape bar brawls for broadcast on the local cable channel. The bar fights, a nightly feature at all three watering holes in the tiny town of Center would be aired nightly on cable channel 71. Bartenders at the pubs would provide color commentary after each bout.

Local bar owners are ecstatic.

“Woo hoo! This will bring some much-needed fun to the town,” exclaimed Chuck Holmstrom, owner of the Nite Owl Tavern in Center. “Not much happens here any time of the year, but it’s even more desolate in winter. Up here the sun disappears below the horizon just after Thanksgiving and doesn’t come up until late February. The local boys get stir-crazy around these parts from the constant darkness. They need to jostle around a bit.”

Mike Liffrig, mayor of the town of 600, believes the publicity from the pub fights would be a welcome shot in the arm for local tourism, by giving the tiny burg a wild-west image.

“Many people grew up on those old John Wayne and Clint Eastwood westerns,” said Liffrig. “We’d like to offer a little slice of those halcyon days of yesteryear to people passing through. C’mon in to one of our saloons and have a cold one with us. Just be ready if one of the local boys decides to take a swipe at ya’. All in good fun, of course.”

Just when everybody was getting prepared for the mandatory change from analog to digital television on February 17, the sun gods decided to throw a wrench in the works. Electromagnetic disturbances from the sun, caused by solar flares and sunspots, will be wreaking havoc on broadcast communications, especially digital TV signals.

“We noticed it’s been really bright outside lately, and sure enough, it’s solar flare season again,” said Sofia Harper, a physics professor at the University of Texas. “This solar activity is routine - it happens roughly every decade or so. This is a big one that will last at least through next month, maybe into March. Expect anything that operates on radio waves to be really screwed up for a while.”

An technical spokesman for the FCC concurred.

“Analog is…well…analog. Interference doesn’t usually kill the video, it just messes things up a bit, yet it’s still watchable, said Runge Kutta, staff engineer with the agency. “But digital reproduces everything perfectly, including interference. Imagine your screen suddenly going dark or glowing bright red or something, right in the middle of ‘Desperate Housewives.’ That would totally suck. A strong burst of solar energy could even fry your TV - especially flat-panel displays. I’ve seen it happen and it ain’t pretty.”

Kutta stated that the solar disturbances will only impact off-air TV reception and will not affect televisions connected to cable or satellite networks. The FCC has pushed back the DTV switch date one month, to March 17. The public reaction was mixed.

“Dude, this bites,” said Jason Woods, a sophomore psychology major. “We were planning to have a digital party next month to kick it off. You know, kinda like watching the ball drop on Times Square on New Year’s Eve. But now we have to postpone it a month, and I just bought a shitload of beer.”

But Jason’s roommate jumped in with a bit of optimism. “Look on the bright side,” said Vince Farnham. “We can do it up on Saint Patties. Green beer and DTV…what could be more awesome?”

But the FCC warned that March 17 would be the absolute last day for old-school analog television.

“If you’re not ‘digital ready’ by then you’d better head out and buy a new TV or a converter box before you go out drinking on St. Patrick’s Day,” added Kutta. “Otherwise, you’ll be watching snow during your hangover the next day.”

An aggressive, feces-throwing rhesus monkey escaped from its owner yesterday, evading authorities and prompting numerous sightings in the Tampa-St. Petersburg area. The monkey, named “Spidey,” is owned by a private party and kept in a cage in an apartment. Spidey escaped by prying apart the bars of his cage and tearing a hole in a window screen. The animal then bolted down the residential street, bearing his teeth at stunned passersby and occasionally lobbing a handful of feces. Numerous local police, animal control and firefighters tried unsuccessfully to capture the wily primate as he made his way across the city.

“This animal is considered extremely dangerous and can bite without provocation,” said Byron Dahl, animal control officer for Hillsborough County. “He was last seen over in Apollo Beach. Residents there are urged to stay inside until the critter is caught. Don’t open any windows or answer the door. This could get ugly.”

Florida State University biologist Reba Lopez concurred.

“Rhesus monkeys are nasty little buggers, and they are crafty,” said Lopez. “They hiss, they bite, they hurl scat. They generally make shitty pets, he he.”

Local residents were nervous but hopeful that the vicious creature would soon be netted. Most heeded the warnings from public and stayed home. Traffic was light on that part of town today. Many businesses closed early or didn’t open at all. School was canceled in the area as authorities scoured the streets and alleyways.

“Cool. Great excuse to skip work today,” said Alan Brewer, a software developer in Tampa. “My boss ain’t gonna believe this shit when I tell him a crazed monkey kept me from coming in!”

After only a day on the loose, Spidey cut a swath of mayhem through the area. Two beach-goers were attacked when the monkey bit them on their legs, raided their cooler, then crapped on a beach blanket and ran off. Minutes later, Spidey was spotted atop a palm tree, throwing dates and screeching at pedestrians below. Local 911 operators were swamped with calls from people reporting the animal from various locations.

Animal control officers botched one more chance to nab Spidey as he sat perched on a rooftop this afternoon. A sharpshooter attempted to bag him with tranquilizer darts, but missed. Spidey just sat nonchalantly on the gutter, hurling crap at the officer. Moments later, the sly simian scurried off to his next exploit. So far, the Tampa Bay mystery monkey still on the loose.

One of our favorite New Year treats, from one of our favorite sites, The Buffalo Beast. “The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2008.” A perennial roast of fifty notable people who desperately deserve the skewering. All of us at Alligators In The Sewer laughed until our guts nearly burst.

Joe the Plumber (remember him?) stumbled into his latest raison d’etre when a conservative news blog sent him on a fool’s errand to - get ready for this - Israel. Visiting the troubled region in hopes of rekindling his fading spotlight, Joe’s task was to report his observations of the conflict between Israel and Hamas.

However, the unlicensed plumber soon got more than he bargained for when he was kidnapped outside his Tel Aviv hotel early in the morning two days ago. Four masked gunmen jumped out of a Toyota Camry, stuffed poor Joe in the trunk and sped off into the pre-dawn darkness.

Within hours, a group affiliated with Hezbollah sent a video to local media, displaying the hapless faux-journalist (in a rather uncompromising position, we understand), and demanding a cease-fire in the current Israeli-Hamas conflagration. The 2-minute video shows several masked gunmen pointing AK-47 rifles at the cowering Joe the Plumber who was forced to read a brief statement saying “America is Satan!…There I said it!…OK! OK!…get me out of here…puhhhleeeease!” The terrorist group claimed it would behead Joe in 48 hours if its conditions were not met.

However, the Israelis, well accustomed to dealing with hardliners, refused to meet Hezbollah’s demands, saying only “you can have him.” Aside from a brief blurb on Tel Aviv radio and television, the event went fairly unnoticed. The Hezbollah video was not broadcast on Israeli TV, though it was aired a couple times on Al Jazeera. And so it seemed, poor Joe was thrown under the bus.

After nearly two full days, the kidnappers, realizing that no one was going to respond to their threats, dumped Joe in an alley behind his hotel, alive and unhurt, but hog-tied and gagged with duct tape and wearing only a diaper. Poor Joe, the working-class representative of American machismo and nationalistic pride, could only lay there, helpless and emasculated as he wet himself in that dark alley.

The Hezbollah group sent a short note to Israeli authorities, stating “This was only a drill. Next time we’ll grab somebody you really care about and then you’ll have to answer to us, Allah willing!”

After a brief checkup at a local hospital, Joe was given a clean bill of health and advised by Israeli officials to leave the country immediately. Joe the Plumber caught an El Al flight back to the U.S. that afternoon. We’re guessing his employer will be doing some editing of his story once he gets back.