An aggressive, feces-throwing rhesus monkey escaped from its owner yesterday, evading authorities and prompting numerous sightings in the Tampa-St. Petersburg area. The monkey, named “Spidey,” is owned by a private party and kept in a cage in an apartment. Spidey escaped by prying apart the bars of his cage and tearing a hole in a window screen. The animal then bolted down the residential street, bearing his teeth at stunned passersby and occasionally lobbing a handful of feces. Numerous local police, animal control and firefighters tried unsuccessfully to capture the wily primate as he made his way across the city.
“This animal is considered extremely dangerous and can bite without provocation,” said Byron Dahl, animal control officer for Hillsborough County. “He was last seen over in Apollo Beach. Residents there are urged to stay inside until the critter is caught. Don’t open any windows or answer the door. This could get ugly.”
Florida State University biologist Reba Lopez concurred.
“Rhesus monkeys are nasty little buggers, and they are crafty,” said Lopez. “They hiss, they bite, they hurl scat. They generally make shitty pets, he he.”
Local residents were nervous but hopeful that the vicious creature would soon be netted. Most heeded the warnings from public and stayed home. Traffic was light on that part of town today. Many businesses closed early or didn’t open at all. School was canceled in the area as authorities scoured the streets and alleyways.
“Cool. Great excuse to skip work today,” said Alan Brewer, a software developer in Tampa. “My boss ain’t gonna believe this shit when I tell him a crazed monkey kept me from coming in!”
After only a day on the loose, Spidey cut a swath of mayhem through the area. Two beach-goers were attacked when the monkey bit them on their legs, raided their cooler, then crapped on a beach blanket and ran off. Minutes later, Spidey was spotted atop a palm tree, throwing dates and screeching at pedestrians below. Local 911 operators were swamped with calls from people reporting the animal from various locations.
Animal control officers botched one more chance to nab Spidey as he sat perched on a rooftop this afternoon. A sharpshooter attempted to bag him with tranquilizer darts, but missed. Spidey just sat nonchalantly on the gutter, hurling crap at the officer. Moments later, the sly simian scurried off to his next exploit. So far, the Tampa Bay mystery monkey still on the loose.