Persistent rumors of Michael Jackson suffering some life-threatening illness requiring a lung transplant or having Lupus are greatly exaggerated, according to one of Jacko’s publicists.

“If Jackson has any health issues, it would only be the exhaustion that results from all the people who have been hounding him around the globe the last several years,” said the unnamed Jackson insider. “It’s true, he’s got a lot of people on his tail, and staying one step ahead of them can be draining, both physically and emotionally. It’s not easy for someone as well-known as Jackson to just pull up stakes and move to another safe house. Being constantly on the lam is his lot in life, I’m afraid. But to suggest that he’s circling the drain is absurd.”

After being acquitted of child-molestation charges in 2005, Jackson fled to Bahrain to live as a house guest of Sheikh Abdullah. He enjoyed the short stint in the mid-east, where he incurred millions in debt to the Bahrain prince, then skipped to London. Following that ordeal, it was back to the U.S., where to this day he has been couch-surfing at the homes of various friends and media people. With several creditors and private detectives hunting him constantly, Jackson is forced to stay on the move, packing up and hitting the road every few weeks or so.

“It’s incredibly traumatic for him, as he is hyper-paranoid,” said the publicist. “Everywhere he goes, he has to be in some clever disguise. Michael has dressed up as The Joker, Zorro, even passing as Ozzy Osbourne once. Still, the constant running and having to look over his shoulder is sapping the energy from poor Michael. He can’t even stand in front of a window out of fear that someone may be watching or taking photos.”

Jackson only travels under cover of the night, sometimes wearing night vision goggles and driving deserted  back roads in old junker cars with the headlights turned off. A master of stealth, Jackson passes from town to town virtually unnoticed, often hiring stunt-doubles to act as decoys while he slips away. He keeps in contact with his publicists from time to time using cellphones, which he tosses immediately after each use. He has an extensive network of cronies who are extremely loyal and protective.

“The guy is freakin’ Houdini,” declared Matt Schloss, a private detective hired by Prince Abdullah to put a tail on Jackson. “I don’t think Dog the Bounty Hunter can catch this guy, and frankly, I’ve thought about giving up as well. But maybe I’ll get lucky and catch him off-guard. This fugitive life has to be wearing him down and he’ll slip up eventually.”

Although Jackson’s exact whereabouts are not known at this time, it is believed he is back in southern California, with reports of him crashing at the trailer house of an old high-school buddy in El Segundo. Others have claimed to have spotted him recently at malls in the Santa Monica area.

A New York doctor embroiled in a bitter divorce dispute has demanded that his soon-to-be-ex-wife give back the kidney that the doc had so generously given her eight years ago. Dr. Richard Batista, a surgeon at a Nassau University Medical Center, claims ownership of the donated organ, and wants it returned as a condition of his pending divorce agreement.

“It’s not marital property,” asserted Batista. “It was just a temporary loaner to hold her over until a different donor came along. That’s my own kidney in there, the bitch has it and I want it back. Parts is parts.”

When asked why he insists on getting the organ back when he can live just fine with his one remaining kidney, Batista responded, “I want to give it to my girlfriend. I seem to have an attraction for women in renal failure, and she happens to be a six-point match.”

The acrimonious Batista offered little compassion over the specter of his ex being once again without a functioning kidney.

“They’ve got dialysis machines for that,” added the unsympathetic doctor. “She can piss through a garden hose for all I care. I want my fuckin’ kidney back. Hell, I’m about half tempted to sneak over to her place some night and dig it out myself. I’m a surgeon after all. Just give me a tranquilizer, scalpel, roll of gauze and a bathtub full of ice.”

With the economy in the tank, the State of Minnesota facing a 5 billion dollar budget shortfall, and public sentiment strongly against public funding for a yet another new stadium, few were surprised when news leaked out today that Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf will be pulling up stakes in Minneapolis and moving his team to Sioux City, Iowa. According to an unnamed source within the organization, the move would occur in 2011, the year the team’s contract with the Metrodome expires.

The source cited Wilf’s frustration with the state legislature’s unwillingness to fund a new football venue in the Twin Cities as the primary reason for the move, but added that moving to someplace like Iowa would be “deliciously spiteful to those tight bastards in Minnesota.” The last straw in Wilf’s frustration is the fact that the team needed an extension from the NFL just to sell enough tickets for the recent Vikings/Eagles playoff game to avoid a local media blackout. The source quoted Wilf as ranting “it’s clear this town doesn’t support our team, so we’ll be packing up. They’ll be sorry some day, just you wait and see! Eat your hearts out Minnesota!”

The inside source added that numerous Iowa cities had competed for the team, with Sioux City offering the best accommodations.

“It’s really a great opportunity,” added the insider. “That bustling little farm town really wants to put itself on the map, and seems more than willing to pony up the bucks to do it. They even have a football field waiting for us out on the edge of town somewhere.”

However, Twin Cities sports journalists appeared deeply depressed at hearing the news. At a local sportswriters luncheon today, the room was filled with long faces.

“People here always like to say that Minneapolis will become a ‘cold Omaha’ if a major-league team were to leave,” said columnist Sam Hintzman. “Cold Omaha, my ass! Those guys are going to friggin’ Sioux City!”

Some criticized the idea of the team moving to a small community of 80,000, better known for cheap computers and its meat packing plant aroma. But Sioux City officials say the town can support the team.

“Size doesn’t matter here,” said Loren Leih, spokesman for the Sioux City Convention and Visitors Bureau. “Let it be noted that Green Bay is about the same size and the Packers do just fine there. Sioux Citians are stoked about the Vikes, and will come out in droves to show support. Not that there’s much else to do here, but that’s beside the point.”

Repeated calls to Wilf’s office were not returned, but a spokesperson for the team flatly denied the rumor, saying she couldn’t even find Sioux City on a map, thinking it was in South Dakota.

Realizing that suing college kids and little old ladies wasn’t such a great business strategy after all, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has decided to stop pursuing legal action against people it believes is sharing music online.

In a candid interview with members of the press, RIAA president Cary Sherman offered a surprising mea culpa over the industry group’s five year campaign of legal threats and settlement demands.

“We at the RIAA would like to apologize to all those people we accused of piracy and generally bullied these past five years,” said a glum-faced Sherman (right). “You’ve gotta believe me, I have spent many nights anguishing over this, and I’ve finally come to terms with what we’ve done. It was a big mistake, it backfired, and we’re really sorry if we offended or inconvenienced anybody, particularly people who might have otherwise bought our members’ recordings. We’d like to make it up to you somehow, and we hope that you all can find it in your hearts to forgive us.”

When pressed by reporters as to how the group would “make it up,” Sherman offered an olive branch to victims of the legal campaign.

“Anyone who had to fork over a settlement to us will receive a credit voucher in that amount, personally signed by me, that they can apply toward CDs or music downloads - legit ones, of course, he he,” said the RIAA chief. “Just redeem it at any CD shop or on iTunes. So for example if you paid out a $2000 settlement, you’ll be eligible for a nice-sized stack of free CDs as compensation for all your trouble and expense! It’s the least we can do.”

Since 2003, the RIAA had sought monetary settlements from tens of thousands of online users suspected of sharing music files using peer-to-peer (P2P) networks. With so-called DMCA subpoenas, the music industry group would threaten legal action unless the suspected P2P user agreed to pay a settlement, typically a couple thousand dollars. However, the tactics created a massive consumer backlash against the recording industry group.

“We just want to make things right with our loyal customers and hope they come around soon,” added Sherman, holding back tears. “We want to be your friends again.”

After more than three decades, New York boy scout Shawn “Skippy” Goldsmith, 46, has finally earned his 121st and final merit badge, the first scout in history to do so. The last badge, recognizing his proficiency in rope tricks, was awarded to him last week by the local scout council in Long Island.

We called Shawn at home, where he lives with his parents. This is the brief interview we had with him:

AITS: What was the first merit badge you earned?

Shawn Goldsmith: It was the wood-chipper operator badge that I got in 1974. But they later eliminated the badge after the movie Fargo, due to the bad image associated with those machines. So technically there are only 120 merit badges available today, but I got 121. Guess my record’s safe.

AITS: What was the easiest one?

SG: Hatchet-throwing, in 1983. All that was required was to plant the hatchet in the center of a tree trunk, three times in a row from 20 feet. Did ‘em all on my first three tries. Not a single miss and nobody got hurt!

AITS: What was your most challenging merit badge?

SG: That would have to be the bear hunting badge. It involved a trip to Montana in 1990.  I had to bag a grizzly AND skin it on the spot.

AITS: How did you kill the Grizzly?

SG: By throwing a hatchet at it. Did it on the first try and nobody got hurt! Uh, except for the bear.

AITS: Which badge was the most fun to earn?

SG: Inner-tubing. We floated down a river in Texas. Since it was just after my 21st birthday, the scoutmaster let me bring a cooler of beer along. Got really drunk too, but they don’t have a merit badge for that.

AITS: And the worst experience?

SG: Getting the canoeing badge by paddling down the Cuyahoga River in Ohio. Very scenic, but we should have pulled out before we got to Cleveland. We ended up portaging in a bad neighborhood and got mugged as soon as we set foot on shore.

AITS: Besides scouting, what other interests do you have?

SG: I’m the treasurer for the Long Island chapter of the Star Trek Club. That keeps me busy on Saturday nights.

AITS: What are your plans now that you have accomplished everything in Boy Scouts?

SG: Uh, I dunno. I wanted to join the Army, but they said I’m too old. I’ve thought about the French Foreign Legion, since I got a badge in French last year.

AITS: O.K., thanks, Shawn, for taking the time to speak with us today. This is quite an accomplishment, something for which you should be truly proud, and…uh oh, sounds like your mom is calling you to dinner, so we’ll let you go now. Bye.

This is what greeted us when we opened the front door of AITS headquarters this afternoon. Guess we won’t be going home tonight. And there’s nothing in the fridge.

We need someone to make a beer and Chinese takeout run. Maynard’s on it. Just as soon as he tunnels his way out the door.

Get the lead out. That’s what consumers and safety advocates in the U.S. told Chinese toy manufacturers after concerns over high levels of lead found in toys. The Chinese manufacturers’ indignant response: “Screw you guys. We like making stuff from lead, so we’ll just put it into other things.”

After a plummet in orders for holiday toys this year, the toy-making industry in China will re-tool their plants in 2009 and start making other lead-based products, such as fishing tackle and bullets.

Hsu Chiang, spokesman for the Chinese toy manufacturer’s cooperative, said, “metallic lead is ingrained into our culture and has been for centuries. Demanding that we remove it from the fine products we make is a slap in the face to all Chinese workers and will not be tolerated. We will continue our proud tradition of creating goods containing ample amounts of the glorious gray metal. If Americans want lead-free toys, maybe they should try making those things themselves. Let’s see how that works out!”

Blanche Julius, representative for the U.S. Toy Importers Association, was disappointed but sympathetic.

“We are troubled to hear that our Chinese trading partners will stop making their wonderful toys for our children, said Julius. “But I understand their plight, and can’t really blame them for switching to more lead-friendly products like fishing weights and ammo. All this happened because of a bunch of nutjobs who got worked up into a frenzy over a little bitty amount of lead. Lead only hurts you if you ingest it, and what kind of idiot does that?”

Toy marketers in the U.S. are not sure how to fill the manufacturing void, though one consortium of companies has a plan to build U.S. toy factories and staff them with some of the thousands of autoworkers who will likely be seeking work soon.

All of us at Alligators In The Sewer wish you a Happy New Year and hope that your 2009 got off to a great start!