In a pilot project expected to be adopted in other cities across the nation, Metro Transit in Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota, will be assigning seats to passengers as they board the buses. This move comes in response to the highest ridership in Metro Transit’s history, which has resulted in crowded conditions on many of the buses, with passengers often scrambling to get the best seats. Numerous “bus rage” incidents have been documented in recent years, with territorial passengers sometimes resorting to fisticuffs over their “favorite” seats. Transit authorities hope the new system will level the playing field for all riders.

“It’s sorta like concert seating,” said Wally Gubbins, Metro Transit spokeman. “Back in the day, they used to let you sit anywhere, until that Who concert in the ’70s. Now you get an assigned seat. Same with our buses. You get on, swipe your card and it tells you what seat to sit in. It makes things more orderly and fair, and prevents a stampede at the bus stop.”

The new smart-card scanner, the “Kattle Kall,” manufactured by Transit Technologies, Inc., will be installed on each Metro Transit bus.

The card-reader system will assign seats from front to back, on a first-come, first-served basis. Seats will be numbered in much the same way as airline seats, with rows and numbers displayed. The card scanners on board the buses will take into account the special needs of disabled passengers who carry special passes, and assign them front seats.

“But we really don’t always get a lot of disabled passengers to fill up those front seats,” added Gubbins. “So the drivers have the discretion to override the system and let the fat people grab up the forward seats so they don’t block the aisles farther back. Otherwise, if you want a good seat, better get to the bus stop early and get in line.”

Signs have been posted at bus stops, transit hubs and Park & Ride lots, advising passengers of the new system, which will be implemented on March 15.

A California ballot measure decriminalizing and taxing marijuana would generate a billion or more for the state, according to the bill’s proponents. If passed, AB 390 (why they didn’t name the bill “420″ is beyond us) would allow residents to grow and possess their own weed, with the state grabbing $50 per ounce of the yields. No word yet if Michael Phelps will be on board to throw his support behind the bill, though Tommy Chong has offered to do testimonials.

NASA crash-lands rocket carrying new global warming detection satellite minutes after the rocket plowed through a flock of geese shortly after takeoff. After its collision with the migratory birds, the rocket then went into an unstable corkscrew-like trajectory, which prompted Mission Control to ditch the doomed craft in Antarctica. In a cruel twist (pun intended) the ensuing crash wiped out an entire flock of emperor penguins basking on an Antarctic ice shelf. The impact also broke loose a 28 square-mile section of shelf ice believed to be weakened due to - you guessed it - global warming. The irony is so thick we can cut it.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Maynard the Phone Boy, with a little editorial and spellchecking help from Norm. Maynard almost peed all over himself in excitement when finally asked to assemble his very first AITS article. Nicely played, Maynard.

The parents of three-year-old Petey Wartzenberger never thought for a minute that the Big Wheel that they bought on Craigslist for the boy last Christmas would be capable of inflicting harm. It seemed to be the perfect outdoor toy for the Delaware kid. Or so they thought…

The fun turned to tragedy last week when Petey decided to try out the toy on an unusually warm February day and ride it down a hilly sidewalk near his suburban Wilmington home. Petey’s leg became caught in the giant plastic front wheel as he frantically tried to stop the speeding tricycle.

Apparently, the oversized wheel, which picks up virtually every pebble and grain of grit that passes under it, became much like a big grinding wheel, gripping Petey’s leg and abrading it at the same time. Centrifugal force did the rest. It was not a pretty sight.

“Petey was cruisin’…faster and faster,” said Chad, Petey’s 8 year-old brother. “His right leg got caught by the wheel. It went round and round and wouldn’t stop. I’ve never seen a knee bend backward like that before! Kinda cool, really.”

A neighbor who heard the screaming ran out to help and call an ambulance. Petey was rushed to an area hospital, where he is in stable condition, with pulled ligaments and lacerations and abrasions on his leg.

Christine Wartzenberger, Petey’s mother, was visibly upset as she paced about in the hospital lobby. “This is absolutely horrible,” said Wilson, the nervous apprehension clearly visible on her face. “Petey’s been kind of an unlucky kid. He’s fallen down the stairs a couple times and tripped over his shoelaces more times than I care to remember. He’s always getting bumps and bruises. Then there was the Jarts incident last fall. We make him wear a helmet now when he goes outside.”

Child safety experts say the Big Wheel has long been considered quite safe, with surprisingly few mishaps.

“You really have to try to get hurt on one of those,” said Melissa Highstreet, product testing engineer for Consumer Union. “Those things have been around since the ’70s with few reported injuries. But it’s like the million monkey theory. Give these to enough kids and it’s just a matter of time before one of them performs something stupid with it.”

“You can only do so much to protect your children,” sighed Wartzenberger, after learning from doctors that little Petey will fully recover from his injuries. “He’s got a unique talent. What more can we do for our klutzy little fellow?”

Calls to the manufacturer of the Big Wheel were unsuccessful, as the company had apparently folded several years ago.

With a new $27,000 Dodge truck up for grabs in a local ice fishing contest, Lee Shehow of New Richmond, Wisconsin, was willing to go to any length to win it. By bringing his own fish, of course.

Smelling something fishy, contest officials at Bass Lake in Somerset, WI, became suspicious of Shehow’s “winning” catch when they noticed the fish didn’t resemble the perch, walley and northern pike usually found in the lake. After some lengthy interrogation, Shehow finally fessed up: the fish in question was actually a caribbean red snapper he had purchased the previous day at the local Piggly Wiggly.

“I have lived here all my life, and I’ve never pulled anything like that out of this lake,” commented Vern “Bud” Langstrom, one of the tournament’s judges. “But I have to admit that red snapper is quite tasty, as we made a nice shore lunch after we confiscated it.”

Shehow was forced to forfeit the grand prize, and was also banished from area fishing tournaments for one year.

A nurse working in the psychiatric ward of a St. Louis hospital went on a rampage last Friday after  sustaining a minor head injury. Rita Luschen, 44, a registered nurse at St. Anthony’s Medical Center, was struck on the head by a 14-pound IV pump which fell off a high shelf in a supply room. Luschen was briefly knocked unconscious and collapsed to the floor. The IV pump was undamaged.

Coworkers ran into the storeroom to see what had happened, only to find Luschen sprawled on the floor in a stupor, the back of her head bleeding profusely. Luschen slowly stood up. That’s when things got strange.

“She looked like one of our patients,” remarked Jennifer Bowden, an orderly on the floor. “She had this wild-eyed devilish look and she was making weird hissing sounds like a cat. I asked if she was okay, but she just started rambling  some nonsense and bolted out of the room. I got the hell out of the way…I ain’t paid enough to mess with that shit!”

Luschen then ran down a hallway, shouting a mixture of profanities and what observers believed to be some nonsensical phrases in Latin. Patients in the ward stood up and cheered as the ranting Luschen dashed down the aisle, her arms flailing.

“I’ve never seen a nurse do that before,” said Stanley Kappelberger, staff administrator for the hospital. “Usually it’s our patients trying those kinds of stunts. Luckily we have experience with that sort of thing.”

Security was called, and they quickly located Luschen in an exam room. When cornered by the guards, Luschen jumped up onto a table, brandishing a syringe of lidocaine.

“Get away from me…get the hell away from me!,” demanded Luschen. “One more step and I’ll make one of your appendages really really numb!”

After about fifteen minutes, guards were able to calm Luschen down and put her into restraints - for her own safety, of course. Luschen was treated for her head injuries and kept on a 48 hour psychiatric hold. She has since been released and is now on paid administrative leave.

St. Anthony’s Medical Center issued a press release today, stating that it has instituted a new workplace policy, requiring heavy instruments to be stored on shelves no higher than 4 feet above the floor. The hospital is confident that this will prevent the occurrence of similar accidents.

In a move its executives are calling “a return to its core competencies,” Sears will eventually phase out all of its retail stores and online services, and sell merchandise exclusively through mail-order catalogs. The giant retailer, which will change its name back to “Sears Roebuck and Company” in 2010, will offer printed, 1000-plus page catalogs to any customer who calls its toll-free number or requests one from its website. The change comes as the retailer finds itself unable to compete with the likes of Target, Wal-Mart and Best Buy.

“We’re excited for the change,” gushed Chaz Swanson, a marketing spokesman for the company. “My granddaddy used to tell me stories about reading the catalog while sitting in the outhouse on his farm in Oklahoma as a kid. You could order anything out of that book while taking a dump. Model-T Fords, appliances, even do-it-yourself home construction kits - Sears had it and shipped it right to your door. We’re going to get back to those basics. It worked in 1910, it should work in 2010. Our goal is to have a copy of our catalog next to every shitter in the country. Retro is in.”

The move will save the company millions in staffing, property management and other expenses.

“No longer will we need to juggle hundreds of stores and endure the logistical headaches that go with them,” added Swanson. “No more need for an elaborate and costly distribution network. Just a mailroom to receive orders and a warehouse for shipping them out. It’ll be like Amazon, only really low-tech.”

Olympic swimming champ Michael Phelps won’t face pot charges after all, now that the South Carolina sheriff has achieved his desired publicity from the event and ended the Bonggate investigation. Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott stated today that the publicity that ensued from his high-profile investigation has now “put him within reach of at least a couple of lucrative book deals,” and that his “work is done in the matter.” Meanwhile, eBay bids for the bong allegedly used by Phelps have rocketed well into the six-figure range.

Founder of America’s first English-language Islamic television station has been charged with murder for allegedly beheading his wife. Muzzammil Hassan is facing second-degree murder charges after police found the decapitated body of his estranged wife, Aasiya Hassan, in what appears to be an honor killing. Ironically, Hassan’s cable TV station was created to balance negative portrayals of Muslims in the aftermath of the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks. We think a new mission statement may be in order for that TV channel.

New card-counting iPhone app has casino operators worried. The application allows players to surreptitiously beat the house at blackjack. Gaming officials in Las Vegas were tipped off after gamblers were caught using the iPhones at casinos in other states. Casino staff first got wise to the devices when a security officer overheard one of the iPhones emitting a Dustin Hoffman voice-over ringtone, repeating “we’re counting cards…we’re counting cards…” That incredible, all-purpose iPhone! Is there anything that it can’t do?

Sharks are now the latest victims of the weakening economy, with marine biologists citing a dwindling number of tourists as the cause. Fewer vacationers visiting the oceans means fewer opportunities for man-eating sharks to grab a quick bite. No word yet on whether the recently passed economic stimulus bill will provide relief for the hapless, hungry sharks. Won’t somebody please think of the sharks?

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who has been using every last ounce of her self-control to avoid giving in to the natural urge to strangle Gordy, due to his excessive whining the past few days.

The secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken has been placed in a new high-tech vault deep within KFC’s headquarters in Louisville, KY, after it was reported “lost” for a brief period last week. The handwritten recipe, scribbled decades ago on the back of a VFW bar napkin by Colonel Sanders, is considered one of the most closely guarded trade secrets in the world. Many have attempted to reverse-engineer the secret blend of herbs and spices in KFC’s chicken, but without success. Only a handful of people know the formula for KFC’s popular chicken seasoning. KFC decided to buld the new vault, at a cost of over $10 million, to better protect the priceless note.

However, the recipe’s new multi-million dollar hiding place may prove unnecessary afterall, when a security breach was revealed.

During the document’s transition from its previous location in a locked file cabinet to the new high-security safe, it was momentarily lost when private security guards hired to transport the paper took their afternoon coffee break in the parking lot of KFC headquarters.

“One minute it was sitting on the dashboard of our armored truck, the next minute it was gone,” said Ric Gallagher of Rubber Gun Patrol, Inc., lead security officer for the project. “One of us must have left the front door unlocked and someone else got in while we were out having a smoke.” Later that day a custodian who was outside picking up litter found the recipe lying on a sidewalk.

While company officials still have no idea where the recipe went during that time or who may have had possession of it, it soon became clear that it had been copied, as PDF scans of the tattered, yellowing paper started appearing on various websites throughout the world.

A recent Google search for “KFC secret recipe” turned up over 80,000 hits, with countless sites displaying copies of the document. The leaked document has generated a minor viral hit, with translated versions popping up on sites from places as diverse as Russia, Pakistan, Kenya and Bolivia. Email chain letters containing the recipe are beginning to show up in inboxes around the globe.

“Our billion dollar secret recipe for fried chicken is now all but worthless,” lamented Chad Richter, chief intellectual property counsel for KFC. “We might just as well put the damn thing on display in our lobby, or wipe down the friggin’ counter with it. Everybody and their dog will be cooking up KFC chicken in their kitchens now. This is worse than the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe fiasco from a few years ago.”

Needless to say, KFC corporate bigwigs were not pleased with the contracted security service for which the company paid nearly a million dollars.

“Uhhh…guess our chain-of-custody kinda sucked that day,” added Gallagher. ”I think we’re in deep shit now.”

“Travis,” a 200 pound pet chimpanzee, viciously attacked a woman in Stamford, Connecticut, yesterday, apparently enraged by the victim’s odd hairdo. The fact that the chimp had not taken his daily anti-depression medication that day was likely a contributing factor in the assault. The former star of the 1970s television show “Lance Link, Secret Chimp,” Travis had since been kept as a pet since his retirement from show business.

“This is not like him at all,” said Sandra Herold, the chimp’s long-time owner. “Usually the sight of bad hair will inspire him to mock it or maybe playfully tug on it a bit, but never this kind of reaction. He does have a bit of a devilish streak in him and he has been known to swipe bad toupees off the heads of unsuspecting dinner guests. But he’s normally not violent - at least not since we put him on meds.”

Pressed further by reporters about Travis’ medication, Herold sheepishly admitted the chimp did have some “anger issues.” “He went berserk one day last year while we were watching ’The Apprentice’ on TV,” said Herold. “One glimpse of Trump and Travis just lost it, smashing the flat panel TV into pieces, jumping up and down and screeching loudly. We got him on anti-depressants and he hasn’t had a bad-hair day since. Until now.”

Travis’ attack left his victim with serious injuries, including lacerations across her face and several fingers bitten off. The unnamed victim remains in guarded condition at a local hospital.

Herold tried in vain to stop the attack, stabbing the animal with a large kitchen knife to get him to back off. But Travis grabbed the knife from her and ran out the door, where awaiting police tried unsuccessfully to stop him. One officer fired several shots at the fleeing chimp, but missed. Travis then climbed into one of the squad cars, managed to put it in gear and rolled it into a nearby ditch. At that point, the sly simian jumped out of the vehicle and ran off into a wooded area, knife in hand.

This is the second recent incident involving attacks by pet primates, after a poo-flinging monkey went on a rampage last month in Florida.

Travis is still at large, armed with the knife and considered extremely dangerous. Residents are warned to not approach the animal under any circumstances.

“People see chimps on TV and think they’re cute,” said Detective Louis Daniels. “But there’s nothing cute about this nasty critter. You have an intelligent creature with opposable thumbs and a knife, and you have a problem.”

Happy Valentine’s Day from all of your lovable friends at Alligators In The Sewer!

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin denies rumors that he attended a private concert by ABBA tribute band. The ex-KGB agent and all-around tough guy said he much prefers listening to Andrew Lloyd Webber show tunes and an occasional Barry Manilow CD. Once you get to know him, you’ll find that he’s really just a big sensitive guy at heart.

Wells Fargo gets the Whiner of the Month award for pulling the plug on its unpopular plan to send execs to a swanky Las Vegas retreat (while raking in billions in taxpayer bailout money), then spending 200K for newspaper ads in the New York Times and Washington Post, griping about the whole affair. It’s the media’s fault for ruining their fun.

Scientologists digging top-secret bunker in Wyoming. Hmmmm…a group of nutty religious zealots building a compound out in a desolate location in a red state? Didn’t see that one coming.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, who is damn pleased with himself for not spewing coffee all over his keyboard from reading some of the outrageously funny shit he found this week on the Internet.

Someone has been torching portable toilets around the San Franciso Bay area, and construction companies are not amused. Over 100 of the porta-potties have been set ablaze at area building sites during the past year, with explosive results that have rocked the town. And the culprits are still on the loose.

“It’s like a year-round Halloween, dammit!,” said Michael Marquez, city’s fire inspector, as he surveyed the damage at contruction site for a new condominium. “The arsonist’s M.O. seems to be lighting a wad of T.P. inside the chemical toilets. But there’s usually enough methane gas in those things to set off an explosion equivalent to a stick of dynamite. Pow! Shit flying everywhere. You don’t wanna get any of that on you. The smell is unbearable! Why can’t they just tip them over like normal kids do? Bastards!”

Police patrols have increased in areas around construction sites, but so far there are no leads and no suspects. Bay Area construction companies are taking no chances and many have hired night security guards to keep an eye on their crappers.

“One of these days someone’s going to be sitting inside one of those outhouses when it goes off,” added Marquez. ”It’s all fun and games ’til someone gets their ass burned.”

The annual Krispy Kreme 1K biathlon went off without a hitch in Raleigh, N.C., last Saturday morning. The athletic event, sponsored by the popular doughnut-maker and North Carolina State University, combines the sports of running and binge eating.

The race involves running - if you want to call it that - a half kilometer (about 6 blocks) to the local Krispy Kreme shop, eating one dozen glazed doughnuts (only 9600 calories and 360 grams of fat!), then running the remaining 0.5K of the race to the finish.

The good news: every runner made it to the shop to get free doughnuts. And no one collapsed along the way.

The bad news: no one made it to the end of the race. But then again, no one ever has in the 6 years the race has been held. And thus, the $100 purse remains unclaimed.

Thousands of anxious fans waited at the finish line, only to be disappointed once again that not one runner showed up. Their disappointment quickly turned to joy as two employees from the Krispy Kreme shop drove up in a van and dropped off 10,000 glazed doughnuts for the spectators. A feeding frenzy ensued.

As the crowd of onlookers gradually dispersed, numerous runners could be seen all over downtown Raleigh, throwing up, sitting on curbs, and napping on park benches.

Each entrant in the race received a commemorative t-shirt (available in sizes XXL on up), emblazoned with a picture of a donut and the the caption “Maybe next year,” and a carton of Marlboros.

Islamic hard-liners in Iran today issued a fatwa, or death edict, against popular U.S. comedian and ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. The order arose from the mullahs’ anger over one of Dunham’s puppet characters, Achmed the Dead Suicide Bomber. The mullahs claim that Achmed’s character mocks Islam with its terrorist implications.

“We had been longtime fans of Dunham’s act, and have seen it many times on cable and on YouTube,” said Mahmood Jahedi, a high-ranking cleric in Tehran. “We enjoyed the typical American characters portrayed by Sweet Daddy Dee, Bubba J. and Walter. Mr. Dunham has brought much laughter to our hearts.”

“But that infidel went too far when he made the Achmed doll,” continued the cleric. “This is unacceptable, and insulting to Islam. The character’s accent is really bad, too. What is this ‘I keel you’ stuff, anyway? That American funny guy is going to find out what ‘I keel you’ really means!”

After Jahedi and several other clerics issued the fatwa, which was broadcast on Iranian TV and Al Jazeera, riots broke out in the streets in major cities throughout the Muslim world. People were seen burning effigies of Dunham’s puppets and shouting “death to Dunham, death to America!” Others were heard chanting “I keel you!” over and over.

Dunham was puzzled over the criticism.

“I’m disappointed that anyone would take this so seriously,” said a bewildered Dunham. “It’s just good clean comedy, it’s not like I made a bomb-head Mohammad or something. I’ve never received any death threats from Mexicans over Jose Jalapeno, or from rednecks complaining about Bubba J. Not sure what group would be insulted by Peanut, as I have no idea what the hell he is anyway.”

Still, Dunham is taking no chances, and has hired extra security staff.

“I just hope this flap blows over soon,” said Dunham. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hiding in a spider hole.”

In a report leaked to the international press, it has been revealed that a Chinese telecom has been surreptitiously test-marketing a new cell phone which is capable of detonating at a random time when remotely triggered by authorities. In “blind” test trials, where customers are unaware of the tiny gunpowder charge hidden within the phone, officials at China Mobile have randomly set off several of the phones around the country since testing began in 2002. The testing has resulted in several injuries, and at least two deaths.

In a press release, the Chinese government has insisted there are no explosive or incendiary devices installed in any of the phones, claiming instead that it was likely “short-circuited or overheated batteries” responsible for the explosions.

But a former executive of China Mobile, speaking on condition of anonymity, corroborated the leaked report, stating “it was the original intention of the Chinese government to develop a mobile phone that could be detonated remotely.” The goal was to keep the masses under control by adding a dose of uncertainty and fear into their daily lives, and also to “deter people from yapping on phones in restaurants, theaters, and while driving,” a major irritant to the communist government. The exec revealed a secret business agreement between China Mobile and Black Cat fireworks to manufacture millions of phones with a small amount of gunpowder hidden inside. It is not known if there are any variants of this phone, such as bottle rocket or roman candle versions.

It is believed that the phones can be set off by dialing the user’s mobile number, then entering a pre-set code when the user answers the call. Effects of the small explosion are typically limited to minor burns and ringing ears, though a few of the units have caused more serious injuries and even fatalities.

“It’s all fun and games, until someone gets an ear blown off,” added the telecom executive.

Rats have rights too.

That was the opinion handed down by the New Jersey Supreme Court in a decision involving a hulking 10-foot inflatable rat used to promote Chuck E. Cheese outlets around the state. The blowup rat, the cuddly mascot of the popular children’s entertainment chain, was declared an eyesore by officials in Lawrence Township, NJ. When the township ordered Chuck E. Cheese to remove the offending rodent, the company sued.

“It’s the principle here,” asserted Jim Woods, associate undersecretary to the assistant regional manager of Chuck E. Cheese. “Those local thugs already cited us for driving our trademark ’Ratmobile’ around town. Now they bust us for a balloon rat? This has gone too far and we’re pleased that the court saw things our way.  It’s a big win for the First Amendment, and for the kids. Their favorite rat’s coming back.”

Local residents, who couldn’t understand what all the controversy was about, were jubilant as well.

“That big lovable rodent has been a source of joy for many kids around here,” said Anthony Giardello, an IT analyst. “My 4-year old loves to climb up in his lap. She’s going to be excited to see him back again. She loves that rat more than she loves Santa Claus!”

Township attorney John Dember was disappointed with the ruling, and plans to work around it by re-drafting the community’s public nuisance law.

“We’re gonna get that rat,” said the defiant Dember. “Lawrence Township has no place for vermin like that.”

Microsoft founder Bill Gates created a panic at a technology conference when he turned loose thousands of hungry, malaria-infested mosquitoes on the crowd. Attendees at the 2009 Technology, Entertainment & Design (TED2009) conference immediately started stampeding toward the exits, screaming and pushing one another in an effort to evade the ensuing mass of biting insects.

Gates began his demonstration by discussing the worldwide problem of malaria, giving a PowerPoint presentation detailing the causes, symptoms and pathology of the deadly, infectious disease. He then proceeded to open a large jar filled with the swarming insects, much to the horror of the terrified audience.

It was all part of a science experiment concocted by Gates.

“I’ve always wanted to do a Science Fair exhibit,” said the eccentric billionaire. “But I never had the chance when I was in grade school. Today’s event is a psychology exercise, to observe the reactions of a large crowd when faced with swarms of blood-thirsty insects.”

“One minute thirty nine seconds!,” exclaimed the gleeful Gates as he clicked his stopwatch and made a notation on his laptop. “They all got out of here in record time. This is really cool! I might have to try this with Africanized bees next year.”

“I’ve had my marlaria innoculation,” added Gates, with a sly grin on his face as he swatted one of the mosquitoes on his neck. “I hope they have too.”

House passes bill to delay the digital TV changeover to June. This would be the second delay of the digital switch, after interference from solar activity pushed back the start until late March.

Officials in Anchorage, Alaska, are urging residents to evacuate the city in anticipation of the imminent eruption of Mt. Redoubt. Highways leading out of Alaska’s largest city were clogged with traffic as residents made a mass exodus to Fairbanks and other cities. One scientist interviewed today stated that the 10,000 foot volcano could “blow its top any day now, and you don’t want chunks of pumice raining down on your head.”

The Pittsburgh Steelers won an unprecedented sixth Superb Owl title, defeating the Arizona Cardinals, 27-23. Thousands of exuberant fans took to the streets of Pittsburg, rioting, looting and setting numerous parked cars on fire. ”We gotta put our town on the map any way we can,” shouted a drunken reveler outside a downtown pub, just before hurling a beer bottle at riot police and receiving a tear gas grenade in return.

Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps was seen in a photo, taking hits off a bong. Major media furor ensues. Turns out the image was a Photoshopped pic of Thomas Chong, with Phelps’ head pasted in. Nevertheless, Phelps seized the opportunity by accepting a corporate sponsorship for a chain of head shops.

Consumer Reports has issued its report of risky behaviors exhibited by Americans. Incidents of swabbing ears with Q-Tips, eating raw cookie dough, using power tools whil drunk, and not having carbon monoxide detectors were among the many hazardous habits listed in the report. The extent of this extreme behavior has “become rampant,” according to one CR staffer. Reports of people running with the scissors have been documented as well. However, the report did not contain any data relating to the usual hazards involving firearms accidents, poisonings, electrocutions, auto accidents, falls from ladders, or drownings.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (remember her?) lashed out at the media once again, directing her vitriol at “anonymous, pathetic bloggers.” Palin is still reeling from her punishing defeat last November and needed to remind us about how the media is still picking on her. We at AITS agree and feel that the media should just leave the poor gal alone. Entirely.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, who immediately apologized for all the sucky stories.