For those of you who have been in a coma last week and didn’t catch the news, an audio tape was leaked to the press, revealing an apparent 4 minute on-stage rant by Welsh actor Christian Bale. The petulent Dark Knight star became extremely agititated after lighting director Shane Hurlbut accidentally walked onto the set where Bale was filming an intense scene last summer. In the ensuing conflagration, Bale peppered Hurlbut with profanities and threats, vowing to never work with the director again.

The entertainment press descended on the story like flies.

A couple days after the media hubbub hit its zenith, Bale came forward to “set the story straight”: that the tirade was nothing more than an orchestrated publicity stunt.

“Shane and I are like mates, y’know, said the tempestuous actor. “It was all just a bloody ruse to get people’s attention. And it worked too, otherwise you wouldn’t be paying attention to this right now, would you? You media people are fucking stupid. I could drop a deuce on the floor right here and you fucking reporter assholes would make a bloody headline out of it. You people are like sheep.”