An Aeroflot airliner with 234 passengers bound from Moscow to New York was piloted by an intoxicated pilot and flight crew yesterday. The passengers on board the Boeing 767 knew they would be in for the ride of their lives shortly after takeoff, when they heard the drunken pilot stumble his way through the welcome message over the P.A. system.
“Hellllllloooo, ever’body, I’m Alex…uh…Alexander Cheplevsky, your…(belch)…magical mystery tour guide, woo hoo!!!,” stammered the teetering, vodka-soaked pilot. “We’re gonna…wheeeeee!!!…hold on to that wheel big guy…(belch)…Yeah, gonna be flying in style, baby! This is one wicked-ass plane…oh yes it’s a great big pretty white plane, and it looks just like a big Tylenol…uh…I think I heard that one somewhere…(belch…hic)…me and the crew got some wicked Stoli up here and we…we wanna toast to our safe j-j-journey ‘cross the ‘lantic…whoa! hold on to that wheel big guy…lookie that big cloud over there…looks like a great big mushroom!…cool!…(belch)…gonna have a good time in New York…yeah!…uh oh…think I just pissed my pants…fuck!”
Meanwhile, lead flight attendant Nadiya Jakov was frantically running to the front of the plane to get the pilot to shut up. By the time she reached the cockpit, Cheplevsky was singing, then threw up all over himself. Neither the copilot nor the navigator were in any better shape to fly, as they were pouring on the vodka as well. Between the three of them, they managed to get the airliner to altitude and set the autopilot controls, then settled in for a nap.
The flight attendant made an announcement on the P.A., assuring the passengers that this was “quite normal” and to not worry about it. “It’s a Russian thing,” added Jakov.
The flight crew finally awakened as the plane reached the coast of Newfoundland, and were nearly sober, albeit hung-over. The crew managed to land the plane safely at LaGuardia without any further incident.
After clearing U.S. Customs, each of the passengers of Aeroflot flight 315 promptly rebooked their return flights on Lufthansa.
