“Travis,” a 200 pound pet chimpanzee, viciously attacked a woman in Stamford, Connecticut, yesterday, apparently enraged by the victim’s odd hairdo. The fact that the chimp had not taken his daily anti-depression medication that day was likely a contributing factor in the assault. The former star of the 1970s television show “Lance Link, Secret Chimp,” Travis had since been kept as a pet since his retirement from show business.
“This is not like him at all,” said Sandra Herold, the chimp’s long-time owner. “Usually the sight of bad hair will inspire him to mock it or maybe playfully tug on it a bit, but never this kind of reaction. He does have a bit of a devilish streak in him and he has been known to swipe bad toupees off the heads of unsuspecting dinner guests. But he’s normally not violent - at least not since we put him on meds.”
Pressed further by reporters about Travis’ medication, Herold sheepishly admitted the chimp did have some “anger issues.” “He went berserk one day last year while we were watching ’The Apprentice’ on TV,” said Herold. “One glimpse of Trump and Travis just lost it, smashing the flat panel TV into pieces, jumping up and down and screeching loudly. We got him on anti-depressants and he hasn’t had a bad-hair day since. Until now.”
Travis’ attack left his victim with serious injuries, including lacerations across her face and several fingers bitten off. The unnamed victim remains in guarded condition at a local hospital.
Herold tried in vain to stop the attack, stabbing the animal with a large kitchen knife to get him to back off. But Travis grabbed the knife from her and ran out the door, where awaiting police tried unsuccessfully to stop him. One officer fired several shots at the fleeing chimp, but missed. Travis then climbed into one of the squad cars, managed to put it in gear and rolled it into a nearby ditch. At that point, the sly simian jumped out of the vehicle and ran off into a wooded area, knife in hand.
This is the second recent incident involving attacks by pet primates, after a poo-flinging monkey went on a rampage last month in Florida.
Travis is still at large, armed with the knife and considered extremely dangerous. Residents are warned to not approach the animal under any circumstances.
“People see chimps on TV and think they’re cute,” said Detective Louis Daniels. “But there’s nothing cute about this nasty critter. You have an intelligent creature with opposable thumbs and a knife, and you have a problem.”