In a move its executives are calling “a return to its core competencies,” Sears will eventually phase out all of its retail stores and online services, and sell merchandise exclusively through mail-order catalogs. The giant retailer, which will change its name back to “Sears Roebuck and Company” in 2010, will offer printed, 1000-plus page catalogs to any customer who calls its toll-free number or requests one from its website. The change comes as the retailer finds itself unable to compete with the likes of Target, Wal-Mart and Best Buy.

“We’re excited for the change,” gushed Chaz Swanson, a marketing spokesman for the company. “My granddaddy used to tell me stories about reading the catalog while sitting in the outhouse on his farm in Oklahoma as a kid. You could order anything out of that book while taking a dump. Model-T Fords, appliances, even do-it-yourself home construction kits - Sears had it and shipped it right to your door. We’re going to get back to those basics. It worked in 1910, it should work in 2010. Our goal is to have a copy of our catalog next to every shitter in the country. Retro is in.”

The move will save the company millions in staffing, property management and other expenses.

“No longer will we need to juggle hundreds of stores and endure the logistical headaches that go with them,” added Swanson. “No more need for an elaborate and costly distribution network. Just a mailroom to receive orders and a warehouse for shipping them out. It’ll be like Amazon, only really low-tech.”