Hero of the day:

A British army veteran pulled out 13 of his own teeth with pliers because he couldn’t find a free “NHS” dentist.

(They have dentists in Britain?)

Iraq War veteran Ian Boynton, 42, lacked the financial means to obtain professional dental care. One thing he didn’t lack was the ability and willingness to properly use hand tools, as he yanked the bakers-dozen rotten chompers right out with a pair of Channellocks. And no anesthesia. (We suspect our DIY dental patient may have had a wee bit to drink first, just to mitigate the pain.)

Even so, it takes a pair of brass ones to just sit down and start yanking teeth out with a pair of pliers. We are in awe.

Interestingly, a dentist heard about Boynton’s plight and came forward to offer his assistance, pro bono. A bit too late for that, we’re afraid, though our hapless, toothless friend might need some false teeth, lest he spend the rest of his life eating Jello and milkshakes.

All of us at AITS were quite impressed by Boynton’s feat of self-determination, though we always thought British teeth just fell out on their own.

An Aeroflot airliner with 234 passengers bound from Moscow to New York was piloted by an intoxicated pilot and flight crew yesterday. The passengers on board the Boeing 767 knew they would be in for the ride of their lives shortly after takeoff, when they heard the drunken pilot stumble his way through the welcome message over the P.A. system.

“Hellllllloooo, ever’body, I’m Alex…uh…Alexander Cheplevsky, your…(belch)…magical mystery tour guide, woo hoo!!!,” stammered the teetering,  vodka-soaked pilot. “We’re gonna…wheeeeee!!!…hold on to that wheel big guy…(belch)…Yeah, gonna be flying in style, baby! This is one wicked-ass plane…oh yes it’s a great big pretty white plane, and it looks just like a big Tylenol…uh…I think I heard that one somewhere…(belch…hic)…me and the crew got some wicked Stoli up here and we…we wanna toast to our safe j-j-journey ‘cross the ‘lantic…whoa! hold on to that wheel big guy…lookie that big cloud over there…looks like a great big mushroom!…cool!…(belch)…gonna have a good time in New York…yeah!…uh oh…think I just pissed my pants…fuck!”

Meanwhile, lead flight attendant Nadiya Jakov was frantically running to the front of the plane to get the pilot to shut up. By the time she reached the cockpit, Cheplevsky was singing, then threw up all over himself. Neither the copilot nor the navigator were in any better shape to fly, as they were pouring on the vodka as well. Between the three of them, they managed to get the airliner to altitude and set the autopilot controls, then settled in for a nap.

The flight attendant made an announcement on the P.A., assuring the passengers that this was “quite normal” and to not worry about it. “It’s a Russian thing,” added Jakov.

The flight crew finally awakened as the plane reached the coast of Newfoundland, and were nearly sober, albeit hung-over. The crew managed to land the plane safely at LaGuardia without any further incident.

After clearing U.S. Customs, each of the passengers of Aeroflot flight 315 promptly rebooked their return flights on Lufthansa.

For those of you who have been in a coma last week and didn’t catch the news, an audio tape was leaked to the press, revealing an apparent 4 minute on-stage rant by Welsh actor Christian Bale. The petulent Dark Knight star became extremely agititated after lighting director Shane Hurlbut accidentally walked onto the set where Bale was filming an intense scene last summer. In the ensuing conflagration, Bale peppered Hurlbut with profanities and threats, vowing to never work with the director again.

The entertainment press descended on the story like flies.

A couple days after the media hubbub hit its zenith, Bale came forward to “set the story straight”: that the tirade was nothing more than an orchestrated publicity stunt.

“Shane and I are like mates, y’know, said the tempestuous actor. “It was all just a bloody ruse to get people’s attention. And it worked too, otherwise you wouldn’t be paying attention to this right now, would you? You media people are fucking stupid. I could drop a deuce on the floor right here and you fucking reporter assholes would make a bloody headline out of it. You people are like sheep.”

[Ed. note: graphic language ahead.]

Stripped of his duties as Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich had to be forcibly removed from the state governor’s mansion by state troopers after being tasered in the building’s stateroom. Kicking and screaming, the disgraced former governor let loose a profanity-laden tirade while he was physically carried from the premises by four officers.

“I’m still the governor! I’m still the fucking governor!!!,” shouted  the agitated Blagojevich as he was forced into a straitjacket and ushered into a waiting patrol car. “This impeachment was a fucking lynching, a crucifixion, pure and simple! Just hang me on the cross, will ya’! You fuckwads don’t know who you’re dealing with! I’ll have your jobs, bitches! I’ll have your goddamn jobs!!!”

After the ex-governor was whisked away, Patricia Blagojevich gave a brief statement to the press.

“What the fuck you all looking at?,” hissed the former First Lady. “Get the fuck off my lawn!”

The groundhog saw his shadow today.

Which can mean only one thing: six more weeks of idiotic drivers unable to maneuver in the snow without endangering everyone within sight.