More than four months after Barack Obama had taken office, White House staffers made a shocking discovery last week: that former Vice President Dick Cheney has remained in the White House, quietly living in the basement the whole time. The staffers stumbled upon the ex-V.P.’s secret hideaway one afternoon while setting mousetraps in the cellar.

The former veep was not in his ersatz basement abode at the time of the discovery, but was subjected to intense grilling by Secret Service agents later that day when he tried to return through the cellar door that he had propped open with a brick.

Apparently, Mr. Cheney had set up camp in a small tent in a corner of the basement, with little more amenities than a cot, field latrine, camp stove, portable defibrillator, and a WiFi-enabled laptop. Cheney lived primarily off MREs and bottled water, though he occasionally had pizzas covertly delivered through the back door.

“This place is a mess,” commented an unnamed Secret Service agent. “It looks like a freakin’ college dorm room down here, with pizza boxes and bottles strewn all over the place. It’s amazing that someone could live in this squalor!”

When asked how he evaded Secret Service protection for so long, the former V.P. quipped, “I didn’t get into the position I have…err…had…without knowing how to pull a few tricks of my own. I suppose I really have to leave now.”

Cheney maintained that he hid out in the White House cellar “just to keep an eye on things.”

President Obama gave a brief comment on the matter.

“Get him the hell outta my house,” exclaimed the President. “And do something about those goddamned mice while you’re at it!”