June, 2009 Archive
June 26th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
The leader of a fundamentalist church in Louisville, Kentucky invited his congregation to pack heat at the church’s Sunday services last week. Ken Pagano, a former Marine Corps drill instructor and pastor of the New Bethel Church, thought it would be great fun to see how many of his congregation would show up with handguns. The church planned to celebrate the Second Amendment, play martial music, and set up a gun show and swap meet after the morning services.
Not surprisingly, nearly all of the congregation showed up fully armed. Then the fun began when one member’s .357 magnum accidentally discharged, lodging a bullet in the ceiling of the chapel. No one was hurt in the mishap. But the moment the errant pistol discharged, nearly the whole congregation dropped to the floor between the pews, weapons drawn. Several more shots were fired into the air as a response, and again, no one was hurt, though several stained glass windows were broken. A few bullets also ricocheted off the pipe organ.
The commotion finally subsided when Pagano urged the flock to calm down.
“Everybody stand down…holster your weapons!,” shouted the gruff Pagano over the chapel’s P.A. system. “There’s no attack on us, no invasion. Someone’s revolver just went off. It was just an accident.”
Sheriff deputies responding to reports of shots fired arrived at the church only to find its congregation standing in the aisles, laughing and carrying on as if nothing had happened. A few members were cleaning their pistols, while others were showing theirs off to fellow members.
“Folks ’round here just need to let off some steam,” said an unidentified deputy. “Reverend Pagano does this every year, and the church always gets a few new holes in the ceiling and walls. But ain’t nobody ever been hurt. It’s good, clean, all-American fun.”
June 21st, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
A BASE jumper took a rare opportunity today to get a jump start on the proposed re-dedication of the Statue of Liberty. Just a few weeks before the July 4 reopening of the statue’s crown, a man among a small group of tourists slipped into the statue unnoticed, then climbed out one of the windows in the crown and parachuted from the perch nearly 300 feet up.
According to National Park Service employees at the site, the man brought his chute inside a large backpack. While the group was being led along the base of the statue, the man dropped out of the group, and quickly gained entrance into the statue’s interior. By the time anyone noticed his absence, the parachutist was seen crawling out of the crown, then quickly jumped, opening his parachute after a couple seconds of freefall. The interior of the Statue of Liberty has been closed to visitors since the September 11 terrorist attacks nearly eight years ago.
After landing, the BASE jumper was taken into custody by park personnel. In a brief interview with the press later that day, Ryan Argyle, a National Park Service spokesman, gave a statement:
“The jumper, identified as one Kevin King, was among the morning tour group earlier today, when he left the group and entered the statue,” said the spokesman. “He gained access to the statute through a small service door, located in the right big toe of Miss Liberty. The padlock on the service door had apparently been left unlocked by a groundskeeper,” added Argyle. “Apparently, Mr. King is in rather good shape, as it only took him a few minutes to climb the 400-plus stairs to the crown, after which time he exited the statue, deploying his parachute.”
King was being held by federal authorities on charges of trespassing, hooliganism, and being a public nuisance.
June 10th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
With the full blessing of the Obama administration, 16 Chinese Muslim detainees will be moved out of the Guantanamo Bay detention center to compete on the TV reality show Survivor. The Gitmo detainees will be flown to the Pacific nation of Palau, where they will spend 3 months on the island attempting to outwit, outplay and outlast one another. The stakes are high this time: the winner will receive one million dollars and a full presidential pardon. The 15 losing contestants will be re-incarcerated at a Supermax prison in Colorado.
The show’s season, tentatively entitled Survivor: Gitmo Jailbreak, will focus on the detainees’ viciousness, craft and cunning - skills which probably got them stuck in Guantanamo in the first place. Challenges may involve such activities as paintball fights, cave construction and creating simulated explosives from household chemicals.
Security will be tight during filming of the series. Several of previous seasons’ contestants have been brought back as “celebrity” security guards, and issued rifles and ammunition for what may become a novel means of voting someone off the island if things get out of hand.
Palau President Johnson Toribiong is ecstatic over news of the filming. “This kind of publicity is a welcome shot in the arm for our sagging tourism industry,” said Toribiong, with a sly grin. “The nation of Palau is honored to host this year’s Survivor show. May the best man win!”
June 10th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
Nineties pop group Chumbawamba kicked off its first North American tour in years, playing to a not-so-full house at Kemper Arena in Kansas City. Lacking a repertoire of songs, the British group concentrated on its sole hit from 1997, “Tubthumping.” So much so that they performed it 11 times consecutively before the befuddled crowd of 600.
In an attempt to vary the performance, the band, now with only two original members, played each version of the song differently, changing tempo and style each time, and even went into a different key for the 11th incarnation. Nevertheless, the plan didn’t work.
As the group segued from one installment of the tune to the next, audience members became restless, booing, throwing things on stage and gradually filing out of the stands. The venue, which seats nearly 20,000, looked quite sparse with the paltry attendance of 600 fans at the start of the show. It was completely empty when the band awkwardly returned to the stage for an encore 12th version of its hit. The band played the first couple bars of the song, then the lead singer, realizing that no one remained in the seats and spotting the arena’s custodial staff sweeping up, said “fuck it!” into the microphone, and the group left the stage.
It didn’t help that the concert’s opening act, Los del Rio, played its one hit, “Macarena,” nine times in a row, which put the audience in a particularly bad mood before Chumbawamba took the stage.
No word if the group will continue its U.S. tour, though ticket sales are reportedly weak.
June 6th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
As if we don’t pay the guy enough here at AITS…Gordy, our senior staff writer, has now started a sideline business for the summer. Our favorite creepy guy will now spend his Saturdays and Sundays slithering through various Minneapolis and St. Paul neighborhoods behind the wheel of an ice cream truck.
Gordy picked up a used van from the scary preacher down the street from AITS headquarters. The one who always carries ominous signs and yells into a bullhorn about the “end of times.” The slightly off-kilter reverend apparently needed some extra cash, and dumped…err…sold his “customized” van to Gordy for the fire-sale price of only $900. Isn’t it a real beaut? The custom paint job brought giggles galore to the AITS staffers when Gordy rolled it up the the curb. He offered to give us all a ride, but alas, no takers. In fact, no one at Alligators In The Sewer headquarters even wanted to get in the thing, much less take a ride in it.
“Don’t park that P.O.S. out front of our headquarters,” barked Norm. “We don’t want people around here thinking we actually had something to do with that shit.”
“You plan on painting over all that garbage on the sides of the van?,” inquired Tina.
“Nope, don’t think so,” replied Gordy in his usual apathetic, stoner monotone. “I like it that way. Gets attention. Got yours, didn’t it?”
“You are quite the attention-whore,” taunted Tina, getting in one more jab at her co-worker.
After Gordy showed us his deluxe ride, and the laughter subsided, we all decided to help him select an appropriate song for him to play as he prowls Twin Cities residential neighborhoods seeking out buyers of pushups and drumsticks. Turkey in the Straw just won’t cut it. So far it’s a toss-up between The Ministry’s Jesus Built My Hot Rod (Tina’s suggestion) and Van Halen’s Ice Cream Man (Maynard).
We’ll let you know which one gets chosen to be played ad nauseum on the van’s loudspeaker. Or maybe we’ll set up a poll here, once we figure out how to do that. In any case, you’ll be absolutely sure when Gordy is in your neighborhood when you see his abomination-on-wheels cruising down the street and dozens of frightened, screaming kids running for cover.
June 4th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
We’d like to introduce you to a new weblog, Won’t Back Down. A pointedly honest, progressive political site with evocative commentary, accompanied with lots of audio and video. Written by Joe Allen, a longtime friend of the Alligators In The Sewer crew, Allen has his heart in exactly the right place and a sharp mind to follow it. Allen has decades of experience in the media business, and that background is evident in the clarity of his political analysis. His postings are articulate and well-written. And he’s just getting started…
Give Won’t Back Down a read, and don’t forget to add its RSS feed to your desktop.
June 2nd, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
A massive vein of high-yield copper ore was discovered this week at a highway construction project in Plymouth, Minnesota. Heavy equipment operators spotted a strange, greenish substance as they were digging near an overpass being constructed in the Minneapolis suburb. Department of Transportation engineers were called in to inspect the substance, and suspecting a copper compound, then brought in a geologist from the University of Minnesota, who confirmed that the mineral was indeed malachite, a high-grade copper ore.
While copper ore deposits have been mined in parts of northeastern Minnesota in the past, never before has it been found in any other part of the state. Finding any mineral in the Twin Cities metro was unheard of.
Construction of the highway has been suspended while geologists try to determine the extent of the ore, and to decide how best to excavate and monetize it. One geologist believes that with the soaring prices for copper, the ore lying beneath the roadway could easily out-value the cost of the highway itself, creating a massive windfall for the state.
After hearing the news, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty was giddy with excitement. “With a five billion dollar state deficit, we’re happy to tap into any new sources of non-tax revenue we can get our hands on,” exclaimed the Governor. “This exciting and unexpected find will help alleviate the tax burden of our citizens.”
Indeed, as geologists continue to discover the expanse of the rich ore deposits, attorneys for the Department of Transportation are considering condemnation proceedings for the surrounding residential properties in order to mine the valuable ore. Mining experts believe that upwards of 100 homeowners may be displaced as mining operations begin.