As if we don’t pay the guy enough here at AITS…Gordy, our senior staff writer, has now started a sideline business for the summer. Our favorite creepy guy will now spend his Saturdays and Sundays slithering through various Minneapolis and St. Paul neighborhoods behind the wheel of an ice cream truck.

Gordy picked up a used van from the scary preacher down the street from AITS headquarters. The one who always carries ominous signs and yells into a bullhorn about the “end of times.” The slightly off-kilter reverend apparently needed some extra cash, and dumped…err…sold his “customized” van to Gordy for the fire-sale price of only $900. Isn’t it a real beaut? The custom paint job brought giggles galore to the AITS staffers when Gordy rolled it up the the curb. He offered to give us all a ride, but alas, no takers. In fact, no one at Alligators In The Sewer headquarters even wanted to get in the thing, much less take a ride in it.

“Don’t park that P.O.S. out front of our headquarters,” barked Norm. “We don’t want people around here thinking we actually had something to do with that shit.”

“You plan on painting over all that garbage on the sides of the van?,” inquired Tina.

“Nope, don’t think so,” replied Gordy in his usual apathetic, stoner monotone. “I like it that way. Gets attention. Got yours, didn’t it?”

“You are quite the attention-whore,” taunted Tina, getting in one more jab at her co-worker.

After Gordy showed us his deluxe ride, and the laughter subsided, we all decided to help him select an appropriate song for him to play as he prowls Twin Cities residential neighborhoods seeking out buyers of pushups and drumsticks. Turkey in the Straw just won’t cut it. So far it’s a toss-up between The Ministry’s Jesus Built My Hot Rod (Tina’s suggestion) and Van Halen’s Ice Cream Man (Maynard).

We’ll let you know which one gets chosen to be played ad nauseum on the van’s loudspeaker. Or maybe we’ll set up a poll here, once we figure out how to do that. In any case, you’ll be absolutely sure when Gordy is in your neighborhood when you see his abomination-on-wheels cruising down the street and dozens of frightened, screaming kids running for cover.