August, 2009 Archive
August 30th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
Despite the shitty economy, we at Alligators In The Sewer seem to be doing rather well. So well that we have added a new member to our disgusting little crew. Give a big welcome to scary-looking Phil Usher.
Phil is our field correspondent, covering all the twisted and stomach-turning events from around the nation when we’re too lazy or apathetic to send out one of our local idiots. Phil criss-crosses the country at random, sleeping in his car and living off ramen noodles and those nasty little tins of Vienna sausages. Armed with his cellphone camera, he’s always looking for trouble and usually finds it. Phil has been busted for vagrancy more times than any of us cares to remember, and when he’s not being chased out of some town, he phones in with news of the latest stupid story he has stumbled across. Once in a while he even sends in an article from the road, though it’s usually peppered with his atrocious spelling and grammar. It takes an hour or more to fix the bad writing. It gives Norm fits.
We’d like to tell you where Phil is heading next, but he refuses to give his location, preferring to suddenly pop up on our radar like a drive-by shooting. Probably best that way. Right now he could be anywhere. Maybe cruising down your street.
August 29th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
Traces of cocaine in U.S. currency? It’s more likely than you think.
The legend has been around a long time. Now, scientists have proven that there are indeed minute amounts of the drug lurking within the fibers of our paper money. In fact, up to 90 percent of United States currency contains measurable amounts of the fine white powder. And hot on the heels of this revelation comes a small, illicit cottage industry: people extracting the coke from the currency and selling it on the street.
These opportunistic “drug recovery experts” typically buy large amounts of small bills from banks - twenties are in hottest demand as they usually yield the most cocaine - then extract the drug by soaking the bills in common solvents like denatured alcohol. After completion of the process, the bills are allowed to dry, then they are sold back to banks where more are purchased. The refinement yields a fine brownish powder that contains roughly 70 percent cocaine.
While only a handful of enterprising individuals are known to be engaged in this tedious process, the payoff can be quite lucrative: a typical 2-person extraction lab with minimal equipment can recover up to 1kg per day of refined cocaine. The so-called “Jackson brown” is already hitting the streets in Miami, Los Angeles and Houston, selling for about $60 a gram.
The DEA is alarmed at the new “micro market” of Jackson brown, and is developing plans to locate the extraction labs. Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve appears unfazed by this development, even supportive.
“If people want to clean up our paper money and get a little coke out of the deal, we’re cool with that,” said Monica Schneiders, spokesperson for the Federal Reserve. “You know how many germs are in those banknotes? Well…a lot, lemme tell you. Those druggies are actually doing a service here, and our paper money lasts longer when it’s kept clean.”
Meanwhile the DEA is issuing warnings to potential users of the drug.
“The stuff is seventy percent cocaine,” said a DEA field agent in south Florida. “Which means another thirty percent is something else. Bits of paper fibers and all the nasty, grungy stuff rubbed off of everybody’s fingers. You know where all those fingers have been? Eeeeewwwww!”
Meanwhile, no extraction labs have been uncovered yet by drug enforcement agents.
August 28th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi will be visiting the United Nations in New York next month. But the controversial dictator won’t be staying at a posh Manhattan hotel. Instead, Gadhafi will pitch a large tent in the backyard of a friend’s home in Englewood, New Jersey, after being denied a camping permit for New York’s Central Park. Gadhafi, being a good sport, plans to roast a goat over a campfire and invite the neighbors over one night during his stay. When asked about Gadhafi’s unusual lodging arrangements, a spokesman for the leader said that Gadhafi “is an avid outdoorsman, and loves to get close to nature.”
Plutophiles protest in Illinois. Exactly three years after the International Astronomical Union demoted Pluto’s status from planet to “dwarf planet,” protesters lined the streets outside the Illinois capitol building in Springfield, calling on the legislature to “do something about our beloved little rock.” A legislative spokesman, addressing the crowd from the capitol steps, urged the rowdy group to just “go home and check out Uranus or something,” adding that the legislature “probably doesn’t have jurisdiction over the IAU anyway.”
A Swedish court ordered file-sharing site The Pirate Bay to pull the plug after it received numerous complaints that the site was sharing “way too much ABBA music.” The panel of judges, citing artistic diversity requirements embodied in Sweden’s constitution, said the site was “unduly one-sided” by offering up such large quantities of songs by the defunct ’70s pop group. The court noted that TPB was “picking on the group,” by sharing the entire ABBA back catalog, including its Greatest Hits album. Meanwhile, owners of TPB have appealed the ruling, stating that it has now added “a ton of thrash metal and post industrial to help balance things out.”
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Norm who, between fits of yelling and ranting, managed to pound out these crappy stories on his keyboard.
August 26th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
A New York City hotel has discovered that the nocturnal activities of its guests are plainly visible from a nearby elevated park. While this news would bring shock and horror to most hoteliers, the management of Manhattan’s brand-new Standard Hotel have chosen to embrace it. The unobstructed views of the often titillating scenes inside the rooms has become a minor media event in the Big Apple, drawing nightly crowds of onlookers to High Line park. And in response, the Standard is now offering discount weekend stays to couples who don’t mind having a few people watching.
“There’s nothing standard about the Standard Hotel,” boasted Eddie Sandoz, the posh hotel’s night manager. “We offer a little extra excitement for our guests, all the while giving something back to the community. It’s all part of our commitment to public relations!”
For obvious privacy reasons, all guests are warned of the visibility issues before checking in, and are required to sign a waiver stating that they are aware of what can be seen if they choose to leave the blinds open. But most guests are comfortable with the “extra amenities,” some even citing it as a major draw to the hotel.
“This is so liberating,” gushed a statuesque 40-ish woman, enjoying a cigarette in the lobby. “Let ‘em watch …I’ll show those wankers how it’s done!”
However, a few others have expressed a more modest view.
“No pay, no see!,” exclaimed a young honeymooning couple from Indiana, as they promptly whisked the curtains shut on the eight-foot-tall windows of their 13th floor corner suite.
But each evening around sunset, hordes of curious people gather in the park below, armed with binoculars, spotting scopes and camera tripods. The hotel has even set up a concession stand in the park, hawking beer, wine and hors d’oeuvres. The attention has been a boon to the one-year-old hotel’s business.
“I get at least thirty to forty inquiries a day,” said “Jason,” concierge at the Standard. “Mostly walk-ins from the street, but even some our guests want to see what their neighbors are up to.”
Neighborhood residents are supportive of the hotel’s “transparency.”
“This is better than surfing porn on the Internet!,” exclaimed area resident Aaron Lipman, as he threaded an infrared telephoto lens onto his Nikon. “It’s kinda like ‘Wild Kingdom‘… without all the animal noises.”
August 24th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
In an unusual move to help revive the state’s lagging tourism industry, Department of Natural Resources (DNR) officials in Wisconsin plan to completely drain a small lake, and refill it with beer.
The 30 acre Chapman Lake near Stanley, located in a remote area in the northwest part of the state, will be completely drained of its water. Crews will then seal the bottom with a special neoprene liner, and fill it back up with leftover and pour-off beer donated by breweries, bars and taverns from around the state. The project, which is expected to be completed by Labor Day, has been underwritten by a grant from the Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee. The boozy lake is believed to be the first of its kind in the world.
The state hopes the lake will be certified in the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest draught beer ever poured.
“We’ve got thousands of lakes and ponds in this state - why can’t just one of them be filled with brewski?,” said Lori Rose, spokesperson for the Wisconsin DNR. “Beer is what this state is known for, so why the hell not? Minnesota has the biggest ball of twine. We want to pour the biggest beer. And you can float on inner tubes in this beer! You tell me where else you can do something like that!”
DNR officials plan to aptly rename the pond “Lager Lake.” State leaders maintain that the lake will be used for floating only and advise that taking a sip from the lake would be a really bad idea, though some argue that it will always taste like Miller Lite, no matter what.
Wisconsin tourism officials plan to unveil the new lake with a Labor Day fish fry, using beer batter made from (of course) the lake. DNR biologists believe the lake will maintain its naturally-frothy character for several years, though it won’t support any marine life.
“Wait ’til that lake freezes over this winter and some knucklehead tries to go ice fishing on it,” chuckled Stanley mayor Dick Cooter. “That’ll be a hoot!”
August 21st, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
A cat “earned” a high school diploma over the Internet, though he wasn’t really trying. The cat, named Oreo, inadvertently logged onto the Jefferson High School Online website when he walked across his owner’s computer keyboard while the guy was AFK to grab a beer. Upon discovering this, the cat’s owner, Kelvin Collins, thought it would be fun to let Oreo paw at the keyboard through the online quiz, which resulted in the cat obtaining a passing score of 72 percent. Collins paid the $200 “registration fee” with his credit card and the cat received a nice diploma to hang on the wall. (See kids, that whole high school graduation thing isn’t so tough after all.) Collins celebrated the occasion by slapping a “My Cat Can Beat Up Your Honor Student” sticker on his car’s bumper.
Bored rednecks drive their old cars into a gravel pit in Wisconsin. The so-called “Crash For Clunkers” event drew over 300 contestants, each of whom set a brick on their vehicle’s accelerator pedal, put the car in gear, tossed in a lighted stick of dynamite and watched it speed over the edge of a 100-foot cliff into the quarry to detonate on impact, much to the amusement of the thousands of cheering, intoxicated spectators. When asked why, event organizer Mark Hubbard set down his beer, let out a belch and said, “we just don’t get to see much stuff get blowed up (sic) around here.”
Fox News amazes us all with their international prowess when they display a map of the Middle East on one of their news segments, showing Egypt as being in the location of Iraq. But then why would Fox worry about the difference between Iraq and Egypt, as everything and everyone over there looks the same to them anyway?
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, proving to the world once again that a frontal lobotomy is no obstacle to writing this sort of garbage.
August 18th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
Judges at California’s revered Exposition and State Fair wine judging event have picked an unexpected blue-ribbon winner for 2009. In unanimous consensus, the wine-tasting panel has shocked the wine connoisseur community by handing the top honors to Arbor Mist Cranberry Twist White Merlot, a five-dollar-a-bottle wine and fruit juice blend from New York.
Needless to say, wine snobs everywhere are not the least bit pleased with the decision.
“Never in a million years would I have guessed that a cheap, fruity, old-lady wine sold in grocery stores would come out on top of this, or any, competition,” said Sandra Del Mar, assistant publisher for Wine Spectator magazine. “Our readers are outraged…OUTRAGED! The Cal event has always had such a storied reputation. Are those panelists drunk on that crap?”
Vintners, restaurateurs and wine experts throughout the state are seething with anger and have demanded a re-judging. Governor Schwarzenegger has even jumped into the fray, calling on the panel to reconsider. Nevertheless, the judges stand by their decision.
“It goes down sooooo easy,” responded one of the fair’s panelists, who requested anonymity. “It’s fruity and light…like liquid candy. I could down a liter of it in just minutes. How could anybody not like this stuff? It’s tastier than Two Buck Chuck and smoother than Night Train. And no hangover!”
Michel Dovaz, of the Wine Institute of France, was amused at the outcome.
“The Californians beat us at our own game back in ‘76. Now look where they are,” said Dovaz, trying his best to contain the laughter. “What goes around comes around. I suppose Mogen David ought to be a shoo-in next year.”
August 15th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
After several days of publicity due to the viral “surprise squirrel” photo, tourism officials in Alberta Canada, where the picture was taken, have helped make a media sensation out of their friendly rodent.
It all started when a vacationing Minnesota couple tried taking a self-portrait in front of scenic Lake Minnewanka in Banff National Park in the Canadian Rockies. An inquisitive squirrel suddenly jumped into the camera’s view, resulting in the now-famous snapshot. Soon the cute photo of the “pop-up squirrel” went viral across the Internet.
Tourism officials in the province, knowing a good thing when they see it, decided to jump into the publicity while the fleeting meme was at its zenith. Park rangers live-trapped the spunky squirrel and set out to make him famous, and indeed they did. Soon, television stations around the globe were clamoring to get the furry creature onto their shows.
The squirrel, nicknamed “Sparky,” found his way onto the Today Show, Good Morning America and CNN. During an appearance on Late Night With David Letterman, the feisty squirrel bit Letterman’s hand and peed in his coffee mug. He recently ran amok in the news studios of Al-Jazeera in Cairo, frightening many of the staffers until they managed to chase him back into his cage with a broom. Sparky has even met heads of state and various celebrities along his travels.
People everywhere have been consumed with squirrel mania. T-shirts, posters and other souvenirs are proliferating on the Internet. People just can’t get enough of the friendly creature from Banff.
“This little critter’s way hot,” exclaimed Bryan Winston, Alberta’s Minister of Tourism. “We want Sparky to become an icon representing just how much fun we have up here in Alberta. We’ll show our visitors a good time.”
But catching the wily squirrel wasn’t easy.
“We tried all kinds of bait, trying to lure him into the cage, but he would have no part of it” said Monte LeDeaux, wildlife biologist with the Alberta Conservation Board. “Finally, we left a little tray of Kashi in the trap, and he went right for it. We sedated him and got him onto the next flight from Calgary to New York, and he’s been traveling constantly ever since.”
Indeed, as Sparky has already racked up over 85,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Canada. The squirrel’s whirlwind media blitz has taken him to 4 continents, and his photo has been published in newspapers in over 100 countries.
“We’d like to get Sparky in to see the Queen while he’s in London…that would be a real PR coup,” added Winston. “But there’s only so much we can do.”
Meanwhile, as tourists are flocking into the park to view the now-famous scenic overlook, the spotlight has quickly faded for the two American tourists who took the picture.
“Nobody from the networks ever bothered to call us,” sighed Melissa Brandt, from her home in Watertown, Minnesota. “That stupid squirrel gets all the limelight, and all we get is ten bucks from National Geographic for using the photo. Next time some animal wanders in front of our camera we’ll throw rocks at the bastard.”
August 14th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
A 600-pound inmate in Texas was caught hiding a gun in one of the folds of his fat. After being tipped off by a jailhouse snitch, it took guards at the Harris County jail in Houston 15 minutes of searching with hand-held metal detectors to find which flap of blubber held the contraband 9mm handgun. The massive inmate, George Vera, 25, was being held for allegedly selling pirated CDs, which no doubt were also being stored between various layers of flab. An ongoing search is being conducted on Vera’s body to determine what else may be lurking between the layers of fat. A full report of the findings is expected some time late next week.
Indonesian police thought they had killed one of Asia’s most-wanted terrorists in a shootout. But after DNA testing of the body, they discovered that instead of bagging Noordin Mohammed Top, they had unwittingly shot a hotel florist named Ibrohim. Apparently, police sharpshooters didn’t notice the two huge baskets of bright yellow and orange daylillies that Ibrohim was carrying in his arms as he skipped across the street while singing the theme to “My Fair Lady.” Indonesia’s national police spokesman stated today that “we’re back to square one in the war on terror.”
Pennsylvania man with furry fetish convicted of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World. John Moyer, 60, was charged with second degree sexual battery for inappropriately touching a Disney employee wearing the famous mouse outfit (though we’re not sure what kind of touching would be appropriate). The goofy guy, who was wearing a homemade Aristocat costume at the time, walked up and grabbed Minnie in the buttocks, while shouting “Woo-hoo! I’m lovin’ my Minnie vacation!” Disney security had to wrestle him to the ground. Moyer was sentenced to 3 years in a Florida prison and fined $10,000.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who really couldn’t care less about the concept of “responsible journalism.”
August 11th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
We sent Gordy on a fool’s errand (in the AITS utility truck of course - to save money) to check out several state fairs around the country and report back. Mainly, to discover some of the unusual crap they put on a stick and sell at outrageous prices to gullible fair-goers. We want to know what kinds of shit people are willing to eat when they’re not hanging out at the hog barn or spewing their guts out on midway rides. You would simply be amazed (or appalled) at some of the things those slack-jawed yokels will ingest and wash down with a plastic cup of warm Old Milwaukee. Here are few of Gordy’s culinary highlights from his low-budget road trip:
The delicacies pictured above, from top-left, clockwise:
Mice-on-a-stick (betcha can’t eat just one!), Missouri; scorpion-kebab, Arizona; froggie-on-a-cane-pole, Louisiana; and skewered barbecued naked mole rat, Texas.
Gordy, whose motto is “try anything once - except incest and folk-dancing,” had no problem eating all those exotic snacks. Fortunately for us, he didn’t bring back any samples. We’ll just take his word for it. Really.
August 10th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
A young man in India unintentionally became a genuine train conductor when he grabbed hold of a 25,000 volt overhead power cable at a rail station. In an event that has no parallel, Deepak Krispi’s electrifying discovery came to light as he reached for that wire: resistance is futile. Oops. We’re sure that hertz…it burns us up too. The poor kid had such potential, too - an incandescent quality about him. Such a bright, energetic lad; this current event is shocking to media luminaries the world over. He just wanted to go ohm that day, but that’s watt happens when you’re not using well-grounded judgment. It all happened in a flash - no one had time to ask the man “wire you doing this…are you juiced?” No one else was involved, so of course no charges, though the incident has sparked a full investigation. If that’s the way he wants to go, more power to him. Nothing to get amped up about.
[Note: some may find the video a bit re-volt-ing, though it's already making the rounds on the comedy circuit.]
We’re here all week.
Try the veal.
August 9th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
Former Manson family member and would-be presidential assassin Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme will soon be enjoying freedom after more than 30 years behind bars. Fromme, who was sentenced to life for her assassination attempt on President Gerald Ford in 1975, is expected to be released from custody on parole August 16 and already has big plans for her post-incarceration life.
“I want to make the most of this publicity,” said an excited Fromme in a phone interview from her cell at the Federal Medical Center at Carswell, Texas. “I gotta grab up some of the limelight - and cash - while I can.”
Indeed, the 60-year-old Fromme has already received several offers for appearances on television talk shows, including unconfirmed guest spots on Late Night With David Letterman and The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien. A book offer and made-for-TV movie may also be in the works.
But the appearance she craves the most is to do her own show, and Fromme has been contacted by a number of networks to explore those possibilities. Fromme has already hired an agent and is currently shopping offers, hoping to garner a slot that may give her show the widest audience.
We’re not sure what direction we’re going yet,” said Ricky Delano, Fromme’s publicist. “Maybe a talk show, or celeb interview format…like a Rosie O’Donnell kind of thing. Or we might do a Big Brother-type reality show…call it, say, The Manson Family Mansion. We’ve never done a show hosted by a paroled felon, much less a real famous one. But this girl’s a talker, she’s witty, charming and spontaneous…and she’ll be a riot on TV!”
August 7th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
President Obama patched things up by inviting his friend and Harvard Law professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr., and Cambridge Massachusetts police officer James Crowley up to the White House for a “beer summit.” Things went smoothly until the party guests started getting a little buzzed. Gates annoyed White House staffers by continually belching and shouting “not bad manners, good beer!” Crowley added to the irritation factor by constantly inviting both Gates and Obama to “go out to the Rose Garden for a good ol’ pissin’ contest,” which the two other men respectfully declined. It didn’t help that the two inebriated White House guests later threw up while being driven back in the presidential limousine. “Next time I think I’ll serve iced tea,” quipped the President.
Marine biologists embarked on a boat trip into the North Pacific Ocean to study what has been called “The Great Pacific Garbage Patch,” a Texas-sized area of the ocean littered with plastic debris that has accumulated over the years. The scientists hoped to study what, if any, effect the rotating area of floating junk has on marine life. Unfortunately, the scientists were forced to return to port in Honolulu after the vessel’s drive propellers became clogged with plastic pop bottles.
A New York City woman is suing the college she graduated from, claiming the school’s placement office did not help her find a job. The graduate, 27-year-old Trina Thompson, filed suit in Bronx Supreme Court, asking for $70,000 in damages - the amount she spent on tuition. However, after the ensuing publicity netted her several full-ride scholarship offers from area law schools, Thompson quickly dropped the lawsuit.
Speaking of lawyers…police are looking for two men who left a 6-foot nurse shark laying in a Miami street. The shark, which was miraculously revived and returned to the ocean, was apparently abandoned on the pavement after the men were unable to find a buyer with a large enough aquarium to keep it.
Creationism theme park to be seized by the federal government. A federal judge has given the go-ahead for the government to take the Dinosaur Adventure Land in Pensacola, Florida, to satisfy a $430,000 tax bill owed by Kent Hovind, owner of Creation Science Evangelism. Hovind is currently doing time for tax evasion. Hovind claimed that he “was employed by God,” and that his ministry was not subject to payroll taxes. It would appear that Hovind’s tax strategy lacked intelligent design.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Norm, who has obviously descended a little deeper into the depths of poor taste.
August 5th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
The federal government’s stimulus plan, CARS (Car Allowance Rebate System), known colloquially as “cash for clunkers,” has ended this week on word that there are simply no clunkers left on U.S. highways. The program, which gave consumers a $4500 credit voucher that can be applied toward the purchase of a new car in return for their old car, has been deemed a success by the Obama Administration. Federal transportation officials are also pleased with the results, after handing out over 4 million vouchers.
The program was officially ended on Monday after the last participant, a man from Ft. Myers, Florida, towed in his old car for a $4500 voucher.
“I’ve had this crappy ‘95 Plymouth Neon for too long,” said Roy Bauer, as he received his CARS voucher, serial number 4,156,822. “It’s just been rusting away in my back yard the past few years and I couldn’t resist the offer the gummint was making. Four and a half large…we’re talking real money here!”
Bauer’s car was the very last to be loaded onto the rail car to be sent to the recycling plant. The last of the junkers was plucked from the roadways.
“Except for a few classic cars in shows and museums, and maybe a few rust-buckets sitting in farm yards, there are simply no pre-1999 cars to be found anywhere,” exclaimed an unnamed spokesperson for the Department of Transportation. “Everyone rushed in to get rid of their old beaters and grab up a rebate voucher. As a result, practically every steel mill in the country is back in operation, melting down all those old junkers.”
One interesting side effect: the massive influx of scrap metal glutting the market has caused a 21 percent plunge in worldwide steel prices. Meanwhile, America’s streets and highways look a little different with all the older cars gone.
“This is really spooky,” said Rodney Bertelsmann, public affairs director for AAA. “Just a few weeks ago I could spot at least a dozen smoke-belching wrecks going down the road on any day during my morning commute. Now there are nothing but late-model cars and trucks on the freeways.”
Indeed, as every passenger car and truck on the road is now 1999-vintage or newer. The federal government plans to revive the cash for clunkers program next year, to get the ‘99 models off the roads, in a continuing effort to keep the roads populated with vehicles less than 10 model years old.
August 4th, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
Google has announced today that it will augment its popular Street View map function with an added bonus: real-time, fly-on-the-wall video feeds from inside nearby buildings. The free feature, aptly named Google Fly, will soon be added to the Street View functionality of Google Maps and Google Earth. It has been available to select users (known affectionately as “maggots“) as a beta since May.
A user of Google Maps or Google Earth simply enables the Google Fly icon from the top toolbar and selects a building located on the map by clicking the “fly” cursor and selecting “Go Get ‘Em” from the drop-down menu.
With the aid of Google’s patented “colorized infrared” photography, a tiny airborne nanobot is immediately dispatched to the location to provide real-time imagery. A live video stream from inside the selected building is then sent to the user’s desktop. Right-clicking the video pane gives the user the option to freely move about inside using joystick controls, and even provides a menu that allows the user to save or email the video or upload it to YouTube. To end the video session, the user clicks the “fly swatter” icon on the toolbar.
This, of course has privacy advocates outraged. The specter of a tiny Google nanobot flying through windows, doors and heating ducts of homes and offices has created a great deal of controversy. Conspiracy theorists have taken to stretching mosquito netting over rooftop vents and re-caulking their doors and windows to keep out the flying bots.
“This is a travesty!,” shouted a tinfoil-hat-wearing protester standing on a street in front of Google’s Mountain View, CA campus. “My phones are tapped, my car is being followed, they are putting stuff in my tap water, and now THIS! It’s enough to make me want to move into a spider hole!”
Nevertheless, Google officials insist that the nanobots are only enabled to access certain “public buildings,” and that privacy rights will be zealously protected by the company.
However, users can choose to opt-in and allow nanobot access to their homes. This may be useful for home-owners who want to remotely keep an eye on things while at work or away on vacation. Others have found Google Fly helpful in determining if a spouse is having an affair, or even as a “remote nanny” to watch their children. Urban explorers have flown Google Fly nanobots into abandoned buildings and through utility sewers as a new online gaming adventure.
Google Fly project coordinator Serveel Lance is optimistic that the new tool will eventually be embraced by users worldwide.
“It has so much potential and the uses are endless,” said Lance, at a news conference yesterday in Mountain View. “Any place you want to see but don’t want to go can magically appear on your desktop or mobile device. This is really cool!”
Law enforcement and intelligence-gathering agencies are also eyeing the new program as a possible tool. Rumors that the Department of Homeland Security is working with Google have been flatly denied. Google, whose creed is “don’t be evil,” has expressed no interest in licensing Google Fly to government agencies.
So far, Google Fly has only been implemented in San Francisco and San Jose, CA. Plans are in the works to add most major cities in North America, Europe and Asia by the end of 2011. The company hopes to monetize the program by inserting ads into the margins of the video feeds.
Upon news of the release of Google Fly, Google stock (GOOG) jumped $11.31 at the end of trading today, to a price of $461.98.
[A special note of gratitude to Phil Usher, our Alligators In The Sewer field researcher and photojournalist, for bringing details of this story to our attention.]
August 2nd, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
A Burlington, Vermont man has launched what is believed to be the world’s first Internet dating service specifically for people who routinely pick their noses. The site, pickme.com, will cater to the unique dating needs of singles with nervous tics such as nose-picking, according to Jackson Snyders, creator of the site.
“People with these kinds of habits just don’t have a lot of options when it comes to meeting other people,” stated Snyders, as he jammed an index finger two knuckles deep into his right nostril. “Even if we are lucky enough to get that first date, there’s usually not a second one. It took me a long time to figure out why. Now I have created a niche community just for people like me!”
So far the site has registered over 1400 paid users, and generates upwards of ten thousand hits per day. While most registrants are garden-variety nose-diggers, the site has also attracted singles with various other nervous tics, such as twitches, spasms, rapid eye-blinking, butt-scratching, and phonic tics like echolalia. There are even a few members with Tourette’s Syndrome.
“OMG, this site is a godsend!,” exclaimed one site user, known only as fingrgrl17. “In the past three weeks, I have met seven guys who all have messy keyboards like me. I’m no longer a pariah…I’m loving this!”
August 1st, 2009 by admin in Uncategorized
It’s been a year since Alligators In The Sewer first went online. Well, actually, more than a year, as we somehow let the July 18 anniversary slip right by. Must have been the distractions of too many Budweisers being swilled here at AITS headquarters. Anyway…better late than never.
Here’s a look back at our first post from July 18, 2008. Not terribly earth-shaking, but it was a start. Since that time last July, we have rented a shitty building for our newsroom, expanded our staff, and even had a doubtful time in April when we temporarily ceased operations due to the economy. But more than anything, we have spent a year looking at the world through our distorted AITS lens, irritating so many online readers in the process. It’s what we do.
Stay with us for another fun-packed year of Alligators In The Sewer nonsense.
—The friendly AITS fambly