There are lots of minor things that irritate us from time to time. We all have our pet peeves, be it telemarketers, shitty software, or the brain-dead driver doing 40 in the passing lane with his blinker on the whole time.
But there’s a very special list of things that annoy us to no end here at Alligators In The Sewer. These are things that are so pervasive and evil that they deserve their very own place in the annals of contempt. They should be wiped from the face of the planet with a searing, megaton flash…and a mandatory death sentence for violators.
Things we’d like to nuke. Better yet…nuke ‘em from orbit. It’s the only way to be certain.
Clamshell packaging. Why do manufacturers insist on continuing this product packaging nightmare? You need power tools and high explosives to open these. The music industry got rid of CD longboxes more than two decades ago. Why can’t everybody let go of this one as well?
Digital TV. Some of us don’t have cable. In fact, a lot of us don’t. The mandatory switch to DTV last summer has left many rabbit-ear TV viewers with (at best) stuttering TV images, and (at worst) no signal at all. My living room looks like a ham radio convention with antennas everywhere, I have a clear line of sight out my window to the station’s tower, and yet my reception still looks like a bunch of random pixels. And don’t even think of suggesting I merely get cable or satellite TV. There’s another pet peeves article just waiting to be written on that subject alone.
Being prompted by a robot to enter an account number while waiting on the phone, only to be asked for it again when (if) a live person gets on the line. If only the humans in the customer support department could find a way to interface with their robots…
The phony Brit accent used on talking ATMs. Is my cash going to come out in Pounds Sterling? Do ATMs in London talk like Texans? We’d much rather hear the ATM spew insults. Or talk with a bad German accent. Or both. “Here ees ze money, you eediot!”
Bluetooth headsets and the borgs who use them in public. Stop talking to yourself. You look retarded.
The “Engine Needs Servicing” light that mysteriously turns on in cars every 10,000 miles. You need to bring the car in so that the trained chimp at the service garage can reset it and collect $250. We need to figure a way to flip on some light and have thousands of Pavlovian morons magically stop by to give us money like that.
Leaf blowers. And the idiots who fire them up in their driveways at 7:00 on a Saturday morning. Get a broom, douchebag. You need the exercise anyway.
Those ubiquitous “mug me” iPod earbuds. They sound like trash and everyone else knows you have an expensive, easily-fenced piece of electronics in your pocket.
Flash-based websites. No, we’re not impressed with your pretty graphic. But your mother must be very proud. (She says “hi” by the way.) In the time it would have taken for your animated splash screen to load, your would-be web visitor has already bailed and moved on to your competitor’s site.
People who let their ringtones play a full four bars or more before answering the phone. We’re not impressed here either. Awww…you spent a dollar and got a cute widdle song. Put the phone in vibrate mode and duct-tape it to your head.
Car alarms. The devices are premised on the idea that someone else might actually respond when one goes off. They won’t, and every burglar knows that. Let the thief take it all, as far as we’re concerned. Serves ya’ right for your car waking up the whole damn block at 3 A.M.
Enormously obese people who fly on airplanes. If you’re so large that you counteract the tides just by walking on the beach, it’s reasonably likely you’re not going to fit into that 17 inch-wide airline seat. Truck freight: when you absolutely, positively have to get there.
We might think of more. In fact, it’s quite likely that we will, as we’re rather irritable today. Keep your distance.
Norm, our editor at Alligators In The Sewer, has a dream. We know this because he constantly reminds us about it. He wants to do an “around the world” beer tour, but not the lame kind found in half the pubs in America. Norm wants to actually travel around the world to drink a beer brewed in each of the 24 time zones. And Norm isn’t terribly picky about his beer. He couldn’t care less whether it’s a fine craft beer or some mass-produced swill. He’ll even drink it warm, which might prove helpful as he tours pubs in some of those backwater republics.
The bad news of all this, of course: the trip will cost a fortune - in the tens of thousands. (Keep buying lottery tickets, Norm.) The good news: it would get Norm out of our hair for a few months, and maybe we will really be lucky and he’ll get abducted by insurgents somewhere. Perhaps we should have a fundraiser and help get this thing off the ground. Pass the hat…
…Oh, shit, who are we kidding? We all want to go along on this trip, and are willing to put up with Norm’s idiotic behavior. And so we shall…while Norm gets a second mortgage on his house.
Norm starts our tour in his home town of St. Louis before heading east. The home of Anheuser Busch, makers of Norm’s favorite brew Budweiser, the Gateway City provides a fitting sendoff for our hoppy adventure. This is our itinerary. And don’t get Norm started on the subject of daylight savings time. That just confuses the shit out of him.
Here we go…
(GMT-6:00) Saint Louis, MO. Anheuser Busch. They give really cool tours. And let you sample the beer.
(GMT-5:00) Boston, MA. Settled by hordes of hard-drinking English and Irish, Boston is the logical choice for beer enjoyment in the Eastern Time Zone. And what better source of Boston beer, than, say, the Boston Beer Co., makers of Samuel Adams?
(GMT-4:00) Halifax, Nova Scotia. So far, so good. Gotta love these anglophilic cities with their wide array of taverns and brewpubs. Lots to choose from here, but Rogues Roost Ale Pub sounds intriguing.
(GMT-3:00) One would think the next logical stop eastward would be Greenland, which is 3 hours behind Greenwich time. It’s just a hop from Halifax. But the sparse population, harsh climate and the specter of drinking something that might have come from whale blubber means the Norm beer tour would be better advised to head south. Way south. To South America. Plenty of drinking opportunities in Rio. How about Gattopardo Cervejaria for Brazilian drinking fun? The rest of us at AITS are really glad we came along.
(GMT-2:00) South Georgia and South Sandwich Islands? Those wind-swept hunks of rock have their own bloody time zone! Do sheep drink beer? Do penguins? I think we’ll have to skip this one, as the chance of finding beer there is a little bit south of “no way.”
(GMT-1:00) We hear there’s a nice microbrewery in the Azores, called Fabrica de Cervejas e Refrigerantes Joao Melo Abreu Lda. But we can’t be sure. Finding out first-hand is reason enough to visit those friendly, sunny islands.
(GMT) OK, we have Great Britain and Ireland to choose from along the Prime Meridian, and this is going to be a tough decision, what with the vast selection of outstanding ales from which to choose. Let’s go with a fresh pint of Smithwick’s, served up in a pub in Kilkenny. In the interest of safety, keep Norm away from the darts.
(GMT+1:00) Germany is arguably THE place for beer in continental Europe (though the Czechs may beg to differ). How ’bout a Bavarian Hofbrau in Munich, served up Ein Mass (1 liter mug) by some busty beer wench? We may never want to leave.
(GMT+3:00) Three hours east of Greenwich time finds us in Moscow, a city that knows how to drink. Cripes, the whole damn country knows how to drink. While better known for Stoli Vodka, we’re here for good Russian beer. Efes Moscow Brewery seems like a fine place to land for some Russky brewsky.
(GMT+4:00) Georgia on my mind…and not the one you think. We’ve made it to the Republic of Georgia to check out Natakhtari Brewery, in Natakhtari village. It’s the middle of nowhere, but what do we care?
(GMT+5:00) Off to Tashkent, Uzbekistan. Smart travelers tend to avoid countries that end in “stan,” but the lure of beer in out-of-the-way places is too much for us mere mortals to resist. We find ourselves at the oddly-named (for Uzbekistan) Schloss-Brau brewpub. Complete with pay toilets. Doubtful this will show up in the Michelin Guide any time soon. Pass the Imodium.
(GMT+5:30) Bonus time zone! Yes, India decided to wedge itself midway between GMT+5 and +6, which makes us all really happy. An extra stop on the tour to the home of India Pale Ale is therefore warranted. This makes up for the GMT-2 zone that turned up empty.
We fly to Bangalore, home of call centers and bad tech support. Let’s see where the local phone drones go to drown out their troubles. We had a cold Kingfisher beer, produced by Indian conglomerate United Breweries. We didn’t have the heart to tell Norm that you can buy that brand in U.S. liquor stores. Still, it tasted good in that 100-plus degree heat.
(GMT+5:45) Woo Hoo! Another bonus time zone! Nepal has split the hairs even further, putting itself 5-3/4 hours ahead of Greenwich time. Another beer stop in a mountain village near Kathmandu. Beer drinking at high altitudes…this could be fun. If we couldn’t figure out how to set our watches before, we sure won’t now, getting juiced at 12,000 feet. We find a pub serving beer from Mt. Everest Brewery. The pinnacle of drinking satisfaction.
(GMT+6:00) We now venture north to Kazakhstan, home of Borat and AO Rosa Brewing We try a pint of Pavlodarskoe Originalnoe. Then we get the hell out.
(GMT+6:30) Burma (Myanmar). This troublesome little country comprises another half time zone. But we can’t get in there, and frankly, don’t want to. We might not be able to get out. Move along…nothing to see here. It’s a “half” time zone anyway, so we didn’t miss an hour zone this time.
(GMT+7:00) One night in Bangkok. The Airport Brewhouse is conveniently located in…the airport. We don’t even have to clear customs. We spent 30 minutes pouring a La Lunar Head Butt Strong Ale down our necks and boarded our next flight to…
(GMT+8:00, 8:45, 9:00, 9:30, 10:00) …Australia! Home of Foster’s oil cans. We rented a Range Rover and drove across Oz on a multi-timezone beer trek, leaving a trail of beer cans and brain cells from Perth to Sydney.
(GMT+11:00) The island nation and tax-haven of Vanuatu welcomes us for our next “happy hour.” Vanuatu Brewing was our destination there, for their tasty Southern Cross Stout.
(GMT-12:00) OK, this one’s another wash, being that it covers Baker and Howland Islands. Drinkin’ Dharma beer on Lost Island was not part of our plan.
(GMT-11:00) Western Samoa beckons, as we seek out Samoa beer. Samoa Breweries didn’t disappoint, as we were thirsty and cranky from our long flight and enjoyed our Vailima Special Export Lager.
(GMT-10:00) We then head to Honolulu for some Hawaiian swill. We found our spot: a place called Sam Choy’s Breakfast, Lunch & Crab. As the name implies, you can eat and drink all day long here. And we did, trying out the Big Aloha James Cook IPA and eating oysters on the half-shell.
(GMT-9:30) Of course, when another bonus half time zone presents itself, we are obligated to take advantage of it. Especially when it’s in the neighborhood, as in this case, French Polynesia (Tahiti). Actually, it’s a few thousand miles, but what do we care, as long as there’s beer on the flight. Les 3 Brasseurs was the place to fill us up with tasty amber lager.
(GMT-9:00) Time to put away the beach attire and head north to Alaska. The Midnight Sun Brewing Company in Anchorage hit the spot with their Berserker Imperial Stout.
(GMT-7:00) The last segment of our tour takes us to Colorado, for a tasting at the Breckenridge Brewery & Pub, and a glass of 471 Small Batch IPA. We also picked up a growler to go for the trip back home.
In all, not a bad trip. We have multi-national hangovers and passports filled with stamps. We missed a couple of time zones, but also gained a few “in between” zones, making our 28-stop global trek bountiful.
Newspapers mull idea of paywall for online content. In a move sure to be akin to a self-inflicted gunshot wound, a number of major newspapers are expected to start charging for access to their web-based content. Newspapers, those quaint, dead-tree-based objects from which people used to get their news, just aren’t selling too well these days, with publishers awash in red ink. Very few business models premised on pay-per-view online use have found success. We doubt the newspaper industry’s luck will be any different.
Kansas couple boinks in a trash bin, then held up by two elderly robbers. The 60-something robbers took the amorous dumpster-divers’ wallets, shoes and jewelry. Which begs the question: if they have jewelry worth stealing, why couldn’t they afford to get a motel? How much could that really set them back? It’s not like Wichita has any lodging listed in the Michelin Guide. Somebody just had the immediate urge to join the Pile High Club.
Bad news: Man falls off freeway overpass in Minneapolis.Good news: He conveniently lands in a convertible traveling on the highway below. Bad news: Man dies anyway. Good news: We now have a new extreme urban adventure sport, just waiting for someone to perfect.
An Ohio woman who cheated on her fiancestood on a busy street corner, holding a sign saying “Honk if you think I deserve a 2nd chance.” Nineteen year old Jess Duttry spent the day holding the sign in hopes that her act of penance will win back her now-estranged boyfriend. Many passersby responded by honking, with several enthusiastic male drivers stopping to get her phone number. No word yet on whether Duttry and her former beau have made amends.
Massachusetts postal worker admits stealing over 30,000 DVDs from mail. USPS employee Myles Weathers, of Springfield, MA, reportedly stole up to 100 Netflix DVDs from incoming mail each day, taking them home in his lunch pail. When asked by postal inspectors about his motives, Weathers replied that it has been his lifelong dream to start a video rental store in his garage.
A freak dust storm blanketed Sydney, Australia, creating an eerie red landscape in the city. The thick later of dust prompted drivers to keep their headlights on during the daytime and forced airline flights to be diverted elsewhere. Meteorologists initially blamed dry westerly winds from the Outback for the unusual dust storm. However, it was later revealed that the storm was a result of huge wind generators outside of the city, used to stir up dust as a prop for filming of a Mad Max sequel. Movie producers on the set apologized for the “dustup” and moved their filming location to a more remote location.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, who amazingly manages to stay just one step ahead whatever bleak fate that seems to be following him.
The San Bernardino County, California, Sheriff’s Department has begun using Chinese finger traps as a means of restraining DUI suspects taken into custody. The finger traps, made from flexible tubing, are fitted on the suspect’s index fingers, effectively connecting the two hands behind the back. Sheriff deputies have successfully used the traps in place of handcuffs for over two years, with no escapes recorded.
“You should see these drunk bastards try to pull out of them,” said Patrol Sgt. Anthony Pagano, with a laugh. “They’re too drunk or stupid - or both - to figure out how to release the restraint. It just cinches even tighter on their fingers until the circulation gets cut off and they go numb. That’s some funny shit right there!”
The department made the switch in order to save money after officers kept losing the keys to expensive $25 handcuffs. The finger traps cost only 75 cents from area novelty stores, and are just as effective as cuffs. And unlike plastic cable ties, the traps are reusable, making them a more green option for law enforcement.
“We have lots of fun with these at our department Christmas parties too,” added Pagano. “It’s much safer than playing Taser-tag.”
An Aurora, CO man has started what is believed to be the first paying job as an Internet troll. Twenty six year old Stuart Martel ended more than a year of unemployment when online job recruiters noticed a string of hostile postings on various blogs and news sites. Impressed with Martel’s ad hominem attacks - replete with nonsensical commentary and a complete lack of critical reasoning skills - a hiring manager contacted him. After a brief but argumentative and expletive-laden phone interview, the human resources manager at the unnamed public relations firm extended a lucrative, six-figure job offer to the former pizza delivery driver.
“They hire hackers to do Internet security jobs, and graffiti vandals as artists, so why not hire trolls to do PR?,” argued Kristen Jonesrud, online media manager for the firm. “Who better to know what needs to be fixed in your client’s business than someone who is not afraid to point out the company’s shortcomings? We need somebody to post candid comments on their websites.”
Martel is…um…somewhat excited about his new job prospect.
“I look forward to working with this crew of pwned fucktards,” said Martel in an email interview. “It’ll be a laugh. If these douches want to pay me that kind of money for doing this lame-azz shit, who am I to complain? OK with me as long as they give me some decent hardware to play with and everybody stays the fuck out of my way.”
Concerns that Martel might become a loose cannon in a professional workplace were quickly assuaged by people who know him.
“Stew is a bit of an introvert,” said his next-door neighbor. “He’s quite timid really…never looks anybody in the eye, and always tries to run away from confrontations. I understand he used to get beaten up a lot in high school. Just a big sensitive kid.”
“He’s such a dork,” added Martel’s younger sister, Brianna. “He’s 26…you’d think the creep would move out by now. Such an emo loser, playing Halo Trilogy and surfing porn all day.”
If Martel works out well in his new job, the P.R. firm expects to hire another 15 to 20 of his ilk.
Tiger leaps 16 foot electric fence and eats zoo worker. The incident occurred at the Dai Nam park in Binh Doung province of Vietnam as laborers were doing landscape work outside the big cat’s cage. The tiger, having decided that the food on the outside of his cage looked fresher than the food on the inside, jumped out for some lunch, apparently unfazed by the electrified wall. Zoo officials responded by placing the tiger in a more secure cage. Hopefully one with a top on it.
Religious Austrian man killed by falling altar while praying in church. Gunther Link, a devout Catholic, was so inspired by the miracle of having been rescued from a stuck elevator that he beat a path straight to his nearby cathedral to grovel thanks to His Majesty. As a reward for his loyalty, Link was killed instantly when the 860-pound stone altar he was embracing dislodged and fell on him. Guess it beats dying inside a trapped elevator.
News: A mentally ill murderer escaped from custody in Washington. AITS news: The killer escaped while on a field trip to a county fair. Inmate Phillip Arnold Paul, 57, acquitted by reason of insanity but incarcerated in a mental hospital, had made an attempt to escape in 1991. But that didn’t keep his captors from thinking it would be a great idea to take him out to the fair for a little fun, where he slipped away while riding the Tilt-A-Whirl. We can only speculate on why the man was brought to the fair in the first place. Perhaps he just wanted to visit a few of his carny friends.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Norm, who was cited for disturbing the peace just last weekend after several people in the neighborhood called in to report the sound of maniacal laughter coming from the front steps of AITS headquarters at 3 AM.
Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) stated today that he is “tired of constantly apologizing to everybody” in the aftermath of his outburst at President Obama’s speech last week. The Congressman from South Carolina became a media lightning rod after he heckled the President by shouting out “liar liar pants on fire!” during Obama’s speech on health care reform.
Wilson feels he has done all that he can do to settle things up.
“I’ve apologized to the President, to Congress, the DNC, the RNC, the news media, my minister, my family…hell, even my dog,” said the distraught Congressman. “I even registered imsorry-dot-com and posted a full-page apology there. Cripes, people on the street come up to me now, wagging their finger and looking for a mea culpa from me.”
“There’s only so much groveling that I can do to satisfy these blood-thirsty bastards,” Wilson continued. “I didn’t mean anything by the remarks. It’s not like I have Tourette’s or something.”
Wilson now drives around Washington with a sign on the door of his SUV, emblazoned with “I said I’m sorry already, so STFU!”
“I think everybody’s received their pound of flesh from me,” added Wilson. “From now on, it’s no more mister nice guy. I really, really mean it this time.”
Somali militant group Al-Shabaab is having considerable trouble finding enough able-bodied recruits in the U.S. to join their jihad back home. The group hopes to bolster its ranks by spending over $15,000 on a series of full-page ads in Soldier of Fortune magazine. The Islamist group is trying to lure young Somali immigrants living in the U.S. to come back to Somalia to fight against government troops in the drawn-out civil war there. The group aims to set up a religious Islamic republic if it prevails.
“We need to expand our recruitment operations and get out the word,” said Mahmoud Al-Kabong (right), spokesman for Al-Shabaab’s public relations arm in Mogadishu. “We tried running some ads on MTV last month, but didn’t get much response for the money we spent. We realized that print media is the best way for us to reach out to young men in America. So where did we turn? The publication more U.S. Somali kids read than anything else, of course…Soldier of Fortune.”
The prominent, 4-color ads feature pictures of a windswept desert landscape and bears the slogan which, when translated from Somali to English, reads: “Come spill your blood in glorious martyrdom for our desolate slice of arid, goat-grazing land.” Editors at Soldier of Fortune, frothing at the mouth over the prospect of getting on board with this operation, are considering sending a correspondent who will embed with an Al-Shabaab field unit. The magazine hopes to publish future articles about the jihadist group’s struggles, a move that pleases Al-Shabaab.
“We’ll take all the publicity we can get,” added Al-Kabong.
The Al-Qaeda-affiliated group also plans to run ads in local newspapers in Minneapolis-St. Paul, Washington, D.C., and Columbus, Ohio - cities with large populations of Somali immigrants.
Meanwhile, staffers at Soldier of Fortune are tight-lipped, stating only that it doesn’t comment on advertiser issues.
A team of Australian cryptozoologists have finally discovered a rare and extremely dangerous reptile in the Gobi Desert of southern Mongolia. The so-called “Mongolian Death Worm,” long the subject of local folklore, turned out to be a very real and fearsome snake-like creature that dwells below the scorching sands of the North Asian desert. The yet-unnamed serpent species is known by the locals to suddenly jump out of the sand to attack. It can spit acidic venom over 25 meters (82 feet), and can unleash a powerful electric discharge of over 600 volts from its anus. (We’re not making this shit up. Really.)
Contact with the neurotoxic venom on human skin results in almost certain death within 30 minutes. The deadly 1.5 meter-long (5 ft.) bright red creature has been widely known among nomadic tribesmen in the area for centuries. However, a live specimen of the allghoi khorkhoi (”blood-filled intestine worm,” in Mongolian) has never been collected until now.
The scientists, aided by weapons and large amounts of explosives, were successful in uncovering a den of the reptiles by detonating an explosive charge on the sandy soil above. The creatures, being naturally curious, were attracted to the surface by the vibrations from the blast. The scientists, wearing special protective suits, were able to collect one of the reptiles, using a lineman’s insulated “hot stick.” The reptile, nicknamed “Maggie,” was immediately flown to the Sydney Zoo for analysis. “Maggie” will soon be featured in an exhibit at the zoo, beginning next month.
The reptile thrives in its desert environment by feeding primarily on gerbils that inhabit the desolate region. The snake kills its prey by electrocution, then swallows it whole.
People living in the area were elated at the news of the capture of one of the “worms.” A tribal leader, with the help of an interpreter, stated that “it was his dream come true that the stories of these creatures would finally be corroborated,” noting that people in the city thought “we were all crazy out here in the boonies.”
Parents at a school in Phoenix, AZ upset over children watching President Obama’s address on television in the classroom. Parents of pupils at James Murlless Elementary School in suburban Phoenix showed up en masse with signs to picket the event on Tuesday. In the words of one disgruntled parent, “We don’t want our children seeing the President on TV at school. In fact I don’t want them to know we even HAVE a president until they are at least 16…maybe 18.” Meanwhile, the school went forward with its plans to show the televised speech as scheduled. Fortunately, none of the delicate snowflakes were adversely affected by the telecast.
Motorists in the island nation of Samoa will be forced to switch from the right side of the road to the left. The mandate has sparked protests across the Pacific country, as islanders are concerned the move will cause more accidents. The government is downplaying the risk, stating that the change is necessary to create new jobs for road sign manufacturers, who comprise the largest single industry in Samoa. Over 72 percent of the world’s highway signs are made in Samoa, though the industry has suffered massive losses recently due to the recession.
Human body parts were found washing up along a stream in Maryland. The hundreds of hands, feet, skulls and various internal organs apparently fell into Cockey Creek near Pasadena, MD, when a truck carrying cadaver parts from an area medical school careened off a bridge last week. Authorities from Anne Arundel County combed the shoreline to collect the spare parts, while curious onlookers joined in the hunt. “This will make a great stocking stuffer!,” shouted a man as he picked up a severed foot.
Don’t shoplift at a Wal-Mart in China. Suspecting a theft in progress, several store employees at the southern China store followed Yu Xiaochun into the parking lot, pushed her to the ground and assaulted her, killing Xiaochun in the process. Management at the Jingdezhen store commended the workers for “taking firm action against unruly shoppers,” but insisted that next time store employees should just contact police, as they are “far better equipped for the task of assaulting and killing unruly people.”
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who can’t understand why all the children in his neighborhood tend to run the other way, screaming in horror.
In a move that would dramatically slash its operating expenses, the United States Postal Service is proposing reducing its mail delivery from the current 6 days per week, to a once per week schedule. If implemented, the greatly reduced delivery will trim as much as 28 billion dollars from the USPS annual budget of 70 billion. The move could put the organization in the black for the first time in its more than 200 year history.
“We started brainstorming cost-cutting ideas in a meeting last week,” said John E. Potter, Postmaster General. “We were initially planning to cut only the Saturday delivery. But then we kinda went crazy, y’know, and thought ‘what the hell - why not cut a bunch more?’ We decided to pare it down to the bone. Go big or go home, right? Come to think of it, I guess a lot of our people will be going home, hehe!”
With the popularity of electronic communications formats taking the place of old-school letter-writing and bill-payment, the USPS’ duties have been largely relegated to delivering bulk mail, such as sale flyers, credit card offers, magazines and other commercial material.
“One day a week ought to be enough to keep the mail moving to our business and residential customers,” said Potter.
The Post Office is considering delivering mail on a rolling schedule, with the delivery day based on the last digit of recipients’ zip codes. It is believed that this would cut the number of delivery workers by as much as 70 percent. But not everybody is happy about the reduction in head count.
“This really sucks for these guys,” lamented Freddie Redondo, head of the Letter Carriers union. “Where else will these people find cool jobs that pay thirty bucks an hour for driving around in little trucks?”
But USPS officials insist the cuts are necessary in order to remain competitive.
“We can no longer deliver packages as efficiently as United Parcel Service, and letters can’t compete with free email,” added Potter. “Our only edge in the marketplace is to bring commercial bulk mail to the people who depend on it in a timely and cost-effective manner. That’s the U.S. Postal Service advantage!”
It’s the same last name: two famous men named Buffett. But only one can claim the title of world’s wealthiest person, and only one can sing Margaritaville.
The two Buffetts couldn’t be further apart. Jimmy, whose musical career has spanned over three decades, is still in demand as a recording artist and concert performer. And with the current bad economy, Warren’s sage advice is sought out by many in industry and government. Yet for some strange reason, too many people confuse the two, thinking the singer is the Oracle of Omaha.
And so, Jimmy’s phone rings off the hook night and day, with confused callers seeking investment answers and management advice. He has had to hire an extra staffer just to field all the calls.
“I’m just hangin’ out in the Keys, sipping rum, fishing and having a good time. I’m not the one to ask about all this economic stuff,” said the singer from his Key West home. “I’m not related to this Warren guy…hell, I don’t even look like him. These uptight folks need to chill, and leave me out of this.”
In related news, staff at Berkshire Hathaway corporate headquarters would really appreciate it if all the drunken Parrotheads would sober up and stop prank-calling their offices.
The city of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, is cracking down on cigarette butts on local sidewalks, by proposing stiffer fines for people caught tossing the butts. One city official stated that downtown patrons shouldn’t have to “put up with stepping over cigarette butts.” However, civic leaders didn’t offer any solutions for patrons having to step over dog shit, broken beer bottles, used diapers, piles of vomit, syringes, and sleeping vagrants.
The world’s first all-pet airline takes to the skies. Pet Airways began flights in July, serving major cities across the nation. Dogs and cats are allowed to roam freely about the cabin (except, of course, during take off and landing, at which times they are required to have their seat belts securely fastened, seats in an upright position with the tray tables up, and all luggage items securely stowed under their seats or in the overhead bins). While this seems like an invitation to sheer pandemonium at 35,000 feet, the pets on board actually remain quite civilized during the flights. In fact, one of Pet Airways’ flight attendants commented that, aside from the occasional butt-sniffing and leg-humping incident, their four-legged passengers are generally better behaved than most human passengers on other airlines. For some reason, we are not the least bit surprised at this revelation.
MN State Trooper hurt chasing pranksters at governor’s mansion. The trooper, who suffered minor injuries in the pursuit, had responded to reports that 3 children were ringing Governor Tim Pawlenty’s doorbell late at night and running off. No word on whether the perpetrators were apprehended, but we at AITS are relieved beyond words, knowing that since they have finally solved all of the state’s violent crime, drug and traffic problems, law enforcement authorities are now free to take on the real threats to society, including ding-dong-ditch incidents.
Al-Qaida suicide-bomber attacks Saudi prince by detonating anal explosive device. The Saudi prince survived, but the Al-Qaida dude done got his ass blowed up real good. Upon hearing this news, TSA officials are proposing mandatory body-cavity searches of all airline passengers in the United States. Upon hearing news of THAT, travelers have started showing up at Amtrak and Greyhound stations in unprecedented numbers.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who once had aspirations of becoming a suburban guerrilla.
A Connecticut man has posted an ad on Craigslist in an attempt to sell off his parents. Michael Amatrudo decided to place the ad when he needed cigarettes and realized that his checking account balance was near zero.
“I was playing World of Warcraft and having a nic-fit…I needed to grab a little quick cash,” said the 42-year-old Amatrudo, from his room in his parents’ basement. “I thought: ‘why not sell off the old folks upstairs?’ I wasn’t going to get rid of them for long, maybe just let the buyer keep ‘em for a couple days, as I need them back to do my laundry.”
Amatrudo posted the ad, asking for $5.50 (the local price of a pack of Camels), or best offer.
Unfortunately, there were no offers at all, though one person responded with advice that Amatrudo re-post the ad in the “Free” section as a “curb alert.” Another respondent suggested that including better pictures of the couple might help.
Meanwhile, Amatrudo was getting antsy.
“I was able to scrounge some quarters from Dad’s bottom desk drawer and get a pack of generics from the CVS down the street,” added Amatrudo. “But I’m still running ads, as I’ll be out of smokes again by the end of the day. I have to be hopeful.”
Amatrudo is even considering a possible trade, looking for a “newer model, a hot blonde under 40, or an Erector Set.” (Is there really a difference between the two? — ed.)
Repeated calls to Amatrudo’s parents have not been returned.
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