Police in Ohio telling people to leave. Residents of some crime-ridden neighborhoods of Columbus, Ohio, are being told by police they should “just move out.” The city’s chief of police, tired of fielding constant complaints “from all the whiny, drama queens around here,” instructed his officers to simply encourage people to leave the city if they don’t like it. The chief wouldn’t go so far as to have the officers tell them to “GTFO,” adding that there are certain public-relations protocols which must be observed. So far, more than 30 families have heeded the advice and pulled up stakes.

Flu shot scalpers hitting the streets. Thousands of black marketeers across the country are now scalping flu shots, including the rare and highly-coveted H1N1 vaccines. The loaded syringes, stolen from pharmacies and clinics, can command upwards of $50 on the street for seasonal flu shots, to over $750 for the H1N1 variety. Police and local health authorities are helpless in the battle over this vaccination trade, with no legal recourse to stop the dealers.

Man-eating lions’ body count reduced. An infamous pair of lions that preyed upon railway workers in East Africa in 1898 didn’t kill as many people as originally thought. Once believed responsible for some 135 deaths, DNA testing of preserved lion scat now shows that the total number killed to be no more than 35. When asked about the 100-victim discrepancy, historians in Uganda suggested that the other missing people were instead likely eaten by the pair of crocodiles which somehow managed to escape media attention at the time. Biologists in the area are pleased that the lions have been at least partly vindicated.

Canadian folk singer killed in coyote attack. More wild animal news…Taylor Mitchell, a 19 year old singer from Toronto, was hiking in Cape Breton Highlands National Park in Nova Scotia, when she was fatally attacked by two coyotes. Apparently, she didn’t notice the anvils, large boulders and Acme catapult perched atop the cliffs nearby.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Norm, shortly after awakening from a weird Ambien-withdrawal dream where he was standing buck-naked in the middle of a busy freeway interchange wearing an orange traffic cone on his head. Or was it a real event that happened when he was drunk? We’ll never tell…but inquiring minds might want to Google “naked conehead freeway incident.”