Another holiday season, another harried routine of buying stuff for family, friends, co-workers, etc. We go out and fight the crowds, spending beau-coup money on gifts for all the people in our lives, only to receive stuff in return. A zero-sum game, unless your family and friends are a bunch of tightwads. But we digress…

We try to be gracious when receiving some bone-headed idea of a gift. We smile. We feign delight. We know that you meant well and went through some expense and trouble to pick out that special present. We try our best to suppress the natural desire to ask “What the fuck were you thinking?” So when the hapless recipient opens that box Christmas morning and says “Oh…you shouldn’t have!,” it really means “YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE!”

This holiday season, take a few tips from the boorish, ungrateful mouth-breathers at Alligators In The Sewer, and consider some things you should never give. Ever. Because abstaining from this sort of thing is the right thing to do. You’ll thank us later. Hopefully by sending us something really cool.

1. Gift cards. They’re not gifts, they are like giving money that you can only use in one place. Think currency for a really really tiny country. Like the size of Starbucks. If you’re that uninspired, just send us the cash and let us figure out what we want and where to get it.
2. Fruit cakes. Unless David Letterman decides it would be fun to drop heavy objects off the tops of tall buildings once again, we really can’t find much utility for these culinary abominations. Have you ever eaten one of these? Do you know anybody who has?
3. Lingerie. Guys, unless your significant other has ripped a page from a Victoria’s Secret catalog and taped it to the fridge, giving her something that’s black, satin and scanty is a really bad idea. There are lots of ways she could take it the wrong way and you don’t want to be anywhere within ballistic missile range when she opens that box.
4. Xmas ornaments/decorations/CDs/videos, etc. Talk about bad timing. If we wanted that stuff, don’t ya’ think we would’ve bought it weeks ago and put it up already? It’s bad enough that the Christmas season commences the day after Halloween. It’s been going on two months now. December 25th isn’t the day we finally get on board the holiday decorating train. And giving us something we have to immediately put away for 10 months is…well…kind of a downer.
5. Personal hygiene items. While giving stocking-stuffers like toothbrushes and toiletries may seem like a practical idea, we don’t need to be reminded once again that our breath stinks or we smell like a zoo animal. We know that already, we have have accepted it, and we’re at peace with it. It’s the burden we bear.
6. Gag gifts. Thinking that we might want to wear t-shirts or decorate our offices with something adorned with the latest Internet meme or South Park catch phrase is a really bad idea. In a couple months it will just look retarded. It probably looks retarded already.
7. Anything with NASCAR on it. Do we really need to explain that one to you?
8. Musical instruments and painting sets for our kids. Your passive-aggressive method of irritating us by using our kids as proxies has been duly noted. Two can play this game. Next year each of your kids will receive a large cup of espresso and a puppy.
9. Promotional items bearing your company’s name and/or logo. Do you really think we want to walk around in a sweatshirt with Aardvark Financial Services or Merle’s 24 Hour Towing emblazoned on it? Besides, we know you swiped it from the supply room at work, and nothing says gift FAIL quite like that.
10. Pets. “Oooh! Just what I’ve always wanted - something that claws up my furniture and craps on my carpet!” Seriously, pets are great, and we all love animals. But let US pick them out. Capiche?
11. Donations to charities in our names. It’s the“you’re being snubbed for gifts to let you know in no uncertain terms that I think you’re a douche” statement. Got it. Loud and clear. We know you were going to donate anyway, so keep us out of it and spare us the drama.

Here’s hoping that you get what you really wanted, like that big flat-panel TV you’ve had your eye on. Or an Android phone. Or a bottle of good single-malt scotch. We should be so lucky. Don’t forget us now.