Auschwitz gets its sign back. Polish police have recovered the “Arbeit Macht Frei” sign stolen last week from the gates of the Auschwitz concentration camp, and arrested five men allegedly involved in the holocaust hijinx. Noting that the suspects are not neo-nazis, a police spokesman stated that the theft was merely financially-motivated after it was discovered the men were attempting to sell the sign on Ebay. Unconfirmed reports suggest that a “substantial” bid for the sign had been posted by Garrison Keillor, before being quickly withdrawn amid the publicity.

Pope knocked down during Christmas Eve mass. A crazed woman, wearing a hoodie and screaming like a banshee, jumped over security barricades and tackled the 82-year-old pontiff to the ground. Amazingly, the pope was unhurt in the incident. Upon hearing the news, Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi gave a statement from his hospital room, and quipped “welcome to my world!” Meanwhile Vatican officials are now insisting the pope ride in his bulletproof “popemobile” at all times while out in public.

U.S. military to stop punishing pregnant service members. In an about-face (pun intended), each branch of the military will now fully embrace pregnancies among its female troops, and is now issuing a new line of stretch-fit maternity uniforms and battle dress designed for expectant soldiers.

Madoff hurt in fall from prison bed. Convicted Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff suffered facial injuries and broken ribs when he fell out of the bed in his cell. Apparently, the man smart enough to mastermind bilking billions of dollars from friends and associates doesn’t have enough sense to keep from tumbling off of a mattress. Madoff claims the incident was the result of a prison assault, but we all know that would never happen.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who thinks he may have contracted bird flu from eating an undercooked turducken at a grocery store deli in Omaha last week.