We’ve heard plenty of half-assed, insincere resolutions that intoxicated New Year’s revelers make - and break - every year. We’ve made a few ourselves, and frankly, we’ve bailed on them too. (Except Norm - he resolves to continue ranting at all of us and he keeps that promise all year long.)

So why set yourself up for failure? Why drag your miserably pathetic self-esteem through the cold January slush by trying to attain some arbitrary and unreachable goal that is soooo incredibly unrealistic that the pursuit of it nearly crushes your soul? Why do this to yourself?

We’re here to help.

Below is our list of new, fun, and not-so-lofty New Year’s resolutions that will stand in stark contrast to the tired old ones that never quite made it past Groundhog Day. Out with the old, in with the new.

OLD: Getting in shape.

NEW: Buying a subscription to Sports Illustrated.

–

OLD: Being nicer to your co-workers.

NEW: Finding a job.

–

OLD: Getting back into the dating scene.

NEW: Organizing your huge collection of downloaded porn.

–

OLD: Traveling to California to take the Sideways tour.

NEW: Traveling the country to take the Borat tour. Bonus points if you stay in costume and in character the whole time. Give us a heads-up if you plan to sing the national anthem at a rodeo. We want to be there for the fun.

–

OLD: Saving money and investing more.

NEW: Nope. You’re going to need that extra dough for your upcoming Borat tour.

–

OLD: Quitting smoking.

NEW: Finding lower prices on tobacco products online. We all know you’re never going to give that up, so you might as well save some money. Maybe enough to do the Borat tour. (OK, we’ll stop plugging that Borat shit.)

–

OLD: Taking some college classes.

NEW: Spending an extra 30 minutes boning up on Wikipedia before your nightly foray into pointless arguments on Internet discussion boards with people you’ve never met.

–

OLD: Reducing stress.

NEW: Seeking out and beating up all the tormentors in your life. Including all the people who outsmart you on discussion boards.

–

OLD: Making some home improvements.

NEW: Taking down the fucking Christmas decorations some time before April. Getting those non-functioning cars and appliances out of your driveway would be a nice gesture too.

–

OLD: Quitting drinking.

NEW: Wut?

–

OLD: Staying in contact with friends and relatives.

NEW: Updating that tired Facebook page you haven’t logged in to since last summer.

–

OLD: Volunteering.

NEW: Dropping a few coins in the Salvation Army kettle on your way into Wal-Mart. If you can afford it.

–

OLD: Eating out less.

NEW: Eating less. You look like Jabba the Hut.

–

OLD: Working on improving personal relationships.

NEW: Trying not to piss people off all the time. Is that really so hard to accomplish?

–

OLD: Keeping your house cleaner and more organized.

NEW: Calling the Orkin guy before that burgeoning colony of cockroaches carries you out of that little island of squalor you call “home.”

–

OLD: Conserving resources.

NEW: Since you probably don’t have as much money to spend on said resources now, this one gets another chance.

–

OLD: Improving your driving skills.

NEW: Just staying the fuck out of the passing lane would make us all happy.

We wish you the best of luck in the New Year. You’re going to need it.