Report: Wisconsin deer hunters shot at fewer buildings this season. No shit. Officials in The Land of Cheese and Corn actually track these statistics, and apparently it’s been a problem in the past. But this year, only 10 structures were shot at during last fall’s hunt, compared to 25 in 2008. A big round of applause, by the way, for all the brilliant sportsmen who were able to distinguish barns from bucks. Now if we could just get ‘em to quit shooting at the dairy cows. Apparently, the ability to identify a target is still lost on a few hunters, who would be well advised to lay off the sauce before heading out into the woods with loaded firearms.

Man gropes TSA worker in N.J. airport, triggers security lockdown. In a freakish chain of events, Newark Liberty International Airport was shut down for over 6 hours Thursday after a man slipped into a secure area to grope a female TSA security guard from behind. Thinking the “assailant” was just a frisky co-worker, the female agent, whose name has not been released, started giggling uncontrollably. When she turned around to discover that it was a stranger, the agent shrieked, then sounded an alarm. The airport was locked down while authorities searched unsuccessfully for the unidentified man.

Fourteen year old math prodigy gets (and loses) scholarship to Cambridge. The awkward Surrey County lad, Arran Fernandez, earned a slot at Britain’s most prestigious university, only to be expelled by school authorities just two weeks later. The expulsion came after Fernandez was caught in a bizarre hazing ritual when he and three of his classmates went cow-tipping in a pasture just outside of town. School officials are not commenting. Said Fernandez’s mother: “I’m greatly disappointed. We finally get the precocious little brat out of the house and now here he is again!”

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who somehow managed to finish this article bright and early on Friday, before slipping out the back door to begin another weekend of binge drinking.