No more free GM cars for Tiger Woods. General Motors has decided to end its arrangement of giving free promotional vehicles to the fallen golf star. A public relations spokesperson stated that the automaker was “not impressed with Tiger’s low-speed crash testing.” Woods’ abilities of driving with a stick may also have been a factor. Meanwhile, Tiger was nonplussed by the snub: “Not getting a Buick is sort of like not getting the clap.”
Google suffers China-based hack, considers plans to pull out. In the aftermath of a massive data breach involving the email accounts of Chinese human-rights activists, Google has decided to stop complying with China’s censorship directive and may pull out of the country altogether. U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been sent to Beijing to help round up the online miscreants. “First it’s melamine in the dog food, now this!,” shouted an angry Clinton as she embarked on her trip.
Maine gay rights activist kills partner during bizarre gun sex incident. Bruce Davidson, a 50-year-old farmer and avid gun freak from Skowhegan, Maine was engaging in a little “hide the barrel” with his friend, Fred Wilson, and a third participant. (Since this is an AITS story, you know what’s going to happen next.) Yup, the gun went off, and poor Fred died suddenly - with a semicolon. The third guy at the lemon party was not hurt. Davidson has been convicted of manslaughter, and faces up to 30 years in prison. Davidson now looks forward to making lots of enthusiastic new friends in jail.
Canadian publishers find new moniker for their Beaver. The Winnipeg-based fur trade magazine, The Beaver, will be given a new name so that its online subscribers won’t keep losing it in their spam filters or having it blocked by firewalls at work. “Ain’t this is great, eh?” gushed one avid reader from Kamloops, British Columbia. “Now if only the porn sites would start using new names, then I could surf that from my office too!”
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, who in a moment of weakness (he has many), spent $230 at the local Legion hall to buy out the entire bin full of pull tabs. Gordy’s aggregate winnings: $7, proving that the idiot’s not terribly good at math.
