He’s been a fixture around Gobbler’s Knob, Pennsylvania for years. “Punxsutawney Phil,” a large, overfed groundhog, is the bellwether of late-winter weather forecasting. Legend has it that each year on February 2nd, if Phil comes out of his den and sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter are on the way. Conversely, if he doesn’t see his shadow, an early spring is right around the corner. Or is it the other way around?

But due to global warming conditions, poor P-Phil is no longer able to reliably predict the fate of spring. Regardless of whether the critter sees his shadow, all bets are off on the impending climate.

“We knew something wasn’t right with him,” lamented Punxsutawney mayor Jim “Snake” Werhle, master of ceremonies for the annual event. “He comes out of his burrow on Groundhog Day and just looks confused. He stands there for a while, chattering a bit, craps on the ground, then crawls back in. Kinda sad.”

Local radio meteorologist Kent Riley concurred. “When Phil bit the mayor’s hand last February, we figured something was amiss. He’s now thirteen years old - seventy-eight in woodchuck years - and we just thought he was getting cranky in his old age. But it seems the changing weather patterns are a major factor in Phil’s bout of depression.”

Town leaders have decided to retire Phil and donate the animal to a nearby petting zoo. Meanwhile, they’ve started a new tradition for the 2nd day of February.

“We’ve got the local drunk volunteering to come staggering out of his basement to look for his shadow,” said Mayor Werhle. “We doubt he’ll find it.”