Md. lawmaker pushes for ban on first-cousin marriages. In an apparent effort to deepen that state’s gene pool, representative Henry Heller has drafted legislation that would add Maryland to the 24 other states that outlaw marriages between first cousins. In a statement to the press Heller said he wants to bring Maryland “into the enlightened world of other states such as West Virginia and Arkansas” that already have similar bans in place. (They have a sense of humor in Maryland.) Our question in all this: how many 12-toed mutants are running amok in those other 26 states?
La. woman swaps kids for cockatoo and $175 cash. The mother, 52-year-old Donna Louise Greenwell, of Ville Platte, Louisiana, decided that an exotic bird would be less noisy and much easier to clean up after than her two grade school children. Greenwell made the trade with a childless couple, stating “this is a good deal….it’s amazing what you can find on Craigslist” Both parties are quite pleased with their bargains and appear happy. The Internet…what can’t it do?
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who managed to get his car stuck in a snowdrift last week while stalking a former girlfriend in Ohio. Luckily he has AAA and was able to get pulled out before authorities arrived.
A pool cleaner at Sea World park in Orlando, Florida, was knocked into the water yesterday and viciously attacked by a school of eleven bottle-nosed dolphins. Apparently, the worker was standing along the edge of the water, making dolphin sounds and singing the theme song to the 1960s television show Flipper, when the dominant male of the group suddenly leaped out of the water, knocking the man into the pool. The enraged cetaceans then attacked the man, holding him underwater until he drowned.
Officials at Sea World had no comment, except to state “never mock dolphins. It pisses them off.”
All autotune…all the time…ninety-eight-point-nine W-T-U-N!!! is the new synth-drenched station ID blaring out of car radios all around the Carolinas. The Spartanburg, SC station has become the first in the nation to adopt the novel format, exclusively playing songs embellished with autotune, the robotic vocal processing that is currently all the rage in pop and hip-hop music.
“We’ve tried every conceivable format, to no avail,” lamented Ric Bunsen, program director of the pioneering FM station. “Country, polka, lite rock, even death metal…nothing seemed to give us traction in the ratings around here. But we think autotune songs will be the silver bullet that’ll spike our audience share. It’s what everybody wants now and we’ll give it to ‘em.”
WTUN’s playlist features songs by the likes of T-Pain, Kanye West, Lady Gaga, Lil Wayne and Cher - artists whose heavy use of the pitch-correction effects have distinguished their careers. WTUN management predicts the station will rocket to number one with listeners aged 12 to 24.
So far, area listeners appear to be receptive (pun intended). “I really like the whiny, nasally sound of the singers,” exclaimed a middle school-aged girl at a local mall. Her friend chimed in: “The distortion is, like, cool. I listen to it all day - it gives my mom headaches!”
But competition on the airwaves is fierce in the town of 40,000 and many are skeptical of WTUN’s hoped-for success.
“It’s the flavor-of-the-month,” claimed another local broadcaster. “I don’t see it going anywhere…the music is quite irritating. Last year they tried ’80s drum-machine hits and the year before it was punk country.”
But WTUN staff is confident in its musical direction.
“I guess we’ll have to wait until the next ratings sweep,” added the hopeful Bunsen. “But we think this is gonna be big! In a few months you’ll be hearing this in the majors, mark my words!”
A cute little device that’s sure to prompt the TSA to start banning wallets on airlines, it’s penny-launcher the size of a credit card, capable of hurling a stack of coins across the room, one by one. Norm already ordered one from Cardnetics, which he will put to good use flinging pennies at some of the slackers here at AITS who like to take naps at their desks. Let the fun begin.
Peggy Fleming run over by Biden’s Motorcade at Olympics. Only a few days into the 2010 Vancouver Winter Games and already another tragedy occurs. Figure skater and 1968 gold medalist Peggy Fleming suffered compound fractures in both legs when she was accidentally run over by a motorcade carrying the Vice President. Details are sketchy, but witnesses say Fleming was seen trying to skate slaloms between the slow-moving vehicles as a daredevil stunt while the cars were traveling along an icy road just outside of Whistler, B.C. The stunt was being filmed for an upcoming Jackass movie, expected to be released this summer. Apparently Fleming lost her balance and fell beneath the V.P.’s Lincoln Town Car, pinning her legs beneath the wheels. Fleming was taken to a nearby hospital. No word yet on her condition.
Angry teabagger flies plane into IRS building. An anti-tax blogger wrote a six-page diatribe, then took things to the next level by flying his private plane into an Internal Revenue Service building in Texas, killing himself and injuring several people on the ground. Andrew Joe Stack, 53, apparently wanted to become a martyr and hoped his just reward in paradise would be 72 Sarah Palins.
Airline passenger starts fistfight with Mitt Romney. The altercation began as the Air Canada flight, bound from Vancouver to Los Angeles, was about to take off. The former Massachusetts governor was listening to his iPod when the passenger seated in front of him leaned over the back of his seat and began punching him for no apparent reason. Romney then punched the assailant in the jaw several times, knocking him unconscious. The plane returned to the gate where agents removed the man on a stretcher. The flight resumed a little behind schedule, with elated fellow passengers cheering Romney and buying him several drinks (non-alcoholic, of course).
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Norm, who rarely gets hauled off airliners anymore, ever since his doctors bumped up the dosage of his meds.
Medical tests like the common colonoscopy may soon go the way of the dinosaur. Thanks to an ingenious invention by a Burnsville, Minnesota man, doctors will soon have a new weapon in their arsenal against gastrointestinal diseases like cancer, acid-reflux and ulcers.
Derick Hollington, a 71-year-old retired welder and sometimes-tinkerer, has created in his garage what may become a genuine breakthrough with a patent-pending invention officially dubbed “Apparatus and Method for Minimally-Invasive Investigation and Analysis of a Human Gastrointestinal System Using a Rope.”
Or as Hollington likes to call it: rectal floss.
I just got to thinking one day last summer while I was cleaning my lawnmower’s carburetor with a pipe-cleaner…hey! why not do the same thing with people and run a big hunk of good, stiff baling twine or rope through ‘em to flush things out?,” said Hollington, sipping a cold Grain Belt at his kitchen table. “Ya just tie a fishing sinker to the end of some hefty string, feed it down the patient’s throat, through the stomach, around the intestines, and out the…um…back end. Then grab the end and pull it all the way through. Doctors can look at what’s on the twine and see what’s going on inside. Just make sure you don’t go the other way, he he!”
Hollington’s creative spark has created significant buzz within the local medical community.
“For a guy who never went to medical school, this is brilliant,” exclaimed Burton Lapinski, a fellow at the proctology department of the University of Minnesota Medical School. “It grabs everything within the digestive tract, dislodges it and pulls it right out, like a core sample from a drilling rig. It makes diagnosis a snap.”
The inventor is confident that after some clinical testing the FDA will approve his rectal floss system for human treatment.
“I already tried it on my dog, just to make sure it works,” added Hollingson. “He won’t come near me now, just hides under the bed…poor thing. The wife wants nothing to do with it either, but maybe I can scare up a volunteer or two from the neighborhood. Just a little more testing, and it should be good to go.”
Hollingson is now trying to market his new rectal floss invention. Interested investors are encouraged to contact his agent at (952) 564-7797 for more information.
Wisconsin man pranks his mother by dressing up as robber; hilarity does not ensue. A 21-year-old Milwaukee man thought it would be great fun to don a ski mask and wait for his mother to return home. The gag went awry in a big way when the pistol-packin’ mama pulled out her trusty .357 magnum and shot the “robber” in the groin. The prankster is now recovering in a local hospital. Details are sketchy but what we do know is that the mom shoots real bullets and the son now shoots blanks.
Mall cops in Wisconsin now packing tasers. Yep, more gun goodness from The Land of Cheese and Corn. Private security personnel in malls and other places are now allowed to carry the high-voltage guns and use them on non-compliant shoppers and other malfeasors as they see fit. The specter of high-school-educated knuckleheads with minimal training, a radio, too much testosterone and a 50,000 volt weapon have local plaintiff lawyers licking their chops. We might see some new millionaires soon.
Edwards sex tape a big hit at N.C. courthouse. Last Friday a Superior Court judge in North Carolina ordered that Andrew Young, John Edwards’ former aide, hand over the steamy sex video which features Edwards and his mistress doing some rather…ahem…uncompromising acts. A few days after the court took custody of the tape, three of the judge’s law clerks were discovered in a courthouse anteroom, drinking beer and watching the video. A bailiff became suspicious when he heard raucous laughter and cheers coming from the locked room. No word yet on whether any charges or sanctions will be leveled against the three men.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, who is broke most of the time and now rides to and from work each day by hitching rides on the backs of garbage trucks. You would not believe the smell when he walks in the door…
Bon Bon Land. It’s a theme park in Denmark. And its unique theme: scatological references. Yep, a little haven dedicated to bodily functions - dogs farting, birds crapping, various sculptures of anthropomorphic farm animals pissing in pots and vomiting. You get the picture. Oh, and lots of cool rides, too. This amusement park (for whatever amusement they think we would get from it) was obviously conceived by some chemically-dependent individuals. If Beavis and Butthead lived in Europe, this is where they would hang out.
We checked out their website. Bon Bon Land’s slogan: “There is damn funny in Bon Bon Land.” OK, so perhaps the marketing hype loses some meaning in the translation. But we’re convinced. This is the place to go in 2010.
Norm is thinking we really ought to charter a tour over there this summer. We expect this to be even better than the fun-filled trip we had last spring to the Sledgehammer Bomb Festival in Mexico. If the dollar can hold out against the euro and if we should be so lucky as to find a cheap flight to Copenhagen, we might just pull it off. Who needs Disney World or Six Flags when you can do this? Anyone up for the trip?
In just a few weeks, Jay Leno will be retaking his throne on the set of The Tonight Show, ousting the short-lived host, Conan O’Brien. The new Tonight Show will be retracted to only 30 minutes.
But in a move certain to either baffle or amuse television viewers, NBC will be continuing the prime-time Jay Leno variety show by substituting a look-alike personality. As the real Jay Leno (left) resumes his late night (albeit abbreviated) slot later this month, the network has decided to keep the earlier show on the air by using an impostor who bears an uncanny resemblance to the big-chinned funny guy.
“Under Leno’s contract, we couldn’t get him to pull both shows…it just wasn’t feasible,” said a programming executive at NBC. “We wanted to salvage what we could from the old show, so we did a casting call and found this guy who’s an absolute dead-ringer for Leno. And just as funny, I might add! And did I mention this clown…err…clone…works for scale? What do we have to lose? We think we can pull this one off - at least through the next sweeps.”
The impersonator who will be filling Leno’s prime-time shoes, Ronald Arrington (right), an insurance broker and father of three from Huntington Beach, CA, is ecstatic over being selected for the role of stunt-double. “I’m truly amazed…I’m gonna be proud to carry the Leno name,” said Arrington in an interview by phone yesterday. “It’ll be fun!”
While not available for comment, the real Jay Leno did release a brief communique to the press, stating that “he has complete faith in Arrington to live up to the Leno brand, and wishes him well.”
No word yet if Kevin Eubanks and the Tonight Show Band will pull double duty on both shows, though contract negotiations are still ongoing with the musicians.
It’s been lurking inside the machine for years - since 1993, to be exact. Crawling about, slowly eating its way through cables and insulation, wreaking havoc on the computer and software that the machine processes. And last week, engineers at Microsoft finally discovered it by accident when they noticed a loud vibrating sound emanating from inside one of the powerful computers used to compile software code for Microsoft’s operating systems in development.
“We thought it was just a cooling fan going on the fritz,” said Napoor Rajkumar, a product test engineer. “But we opened up the CPU and found this hideous insect staring right at us and making this buzzing sound…it was the size of my thumb! And it looked really scary with those big bug-eyes! Eeewww!”
The bug, a 17-year cicada, morphed from larval to pupal stage, and finally to an adult insect. It is believed that the insect larva had nibbled through various connector cables and circuit board components over time, causing minute electronic disturbances which in turn, created glitches in Microsoft’s popular operating systems products, from MS-DOS up to their latest, Windows 7.
The compiler, a special program installed on the computer, is a tool used to process raw code into a usable computer program, a critical stage of software development. It is believed the computer somehow became contaminated with cicada eggs back in the early 1990s, which started the drawn-out problems. The machine, purchased in 1992 from a computer manufacturer in Sioux City, Iowa, likely became contaminated with the bugs while being stored in a warehouse facility near farm fields before it was shipped to Microsoft. Cicadas are a common pest in rural areas of the Midwest.
The troubleshooting success has now been a boon to the giant software maker, which has long been plagued with problems in its Windows operating systems. Those problems are now believed to be completely fixed.
“Ha! We now have the culprit of nearly two decades of software bugs…literally!,” exclaimed a senior software engineer at Microsoft’s Redmond, Washington, headquarters. “A quick downloadable patch and voila! Windows - all versions - will become flawless! This will be the last patch, ever! We’re now good to go!”
Microsoft’s CEO Steve Ballmer was ecstatic over the news. “Now we can lay these quality problems to rest, once and for all,” exclaimed the MS chief, not one to mince words. “I don’t want to hear anyone bitching from this point forward. If our stuff doesn’t work, it’s all on you!”
News of the fix helped buoy Microsoft’s shares up by $1.32 at the end of trading Friday on NASDAQ, closing at $29.56.
India sinking into earth’s mantle. Geologists have discovered that the Indian subcontinent is gradually sinking, and will eventually drop through the earth’s crust, plunging into the fiery mantle below. But the scientists insist that the event won’t occur for another 60 to 70 years, giving the one billion-plus residents time to “take care of whatever loose ends they may have.” Meanwhile, several companies have begun moving their call centers off shore to places like Sri Lanka and Thailand, just in case the continental shift in India starts to accelerate.
Fundamentalist pastor threatens son with gun. The gunman, 60-year-old Joe Colquit, pastor of St. John Missionary Baptist Church in Alcoa, Tennessee, threatened to kill his 32-year old son, Michael, his wife and children, due to the son’s poor church attendance. So let’s get this straight: the pastor wants to send his son and his son’s family on a fast train to hell, because they were on a slow train to hell for not going to church? We don’t think the pastor thought his cunning plan through.
Fresno wins title of booziest city. In a survey by Men’s Health magazine, Fresno, California, won the dubious distinction of being America’s “drunkest city,” based on an algorithm that takes into account the amount of binge drinking, keg sales, DUI arrests, liver disease, number of frat houses, and other factors. The city’s mayor made the best of the news, stating “for years we’ve lived in the shadows of Los Angeles, San Francisco and Bakersfield. It’s nice to finally get recognition for something.”
[Ed. note: Your fiends at Alligators In The Sewer are now planning an exciting, fun-filled 6-day chartered bus tour and pub crawl to exciting Fresno, CA! Details and reservation information coming soon...]
Rabid raccoons put damper on Central Park activities. New York’s famous Central Park is looking a lot less crowded these days, as people are avoiding the area. The culprits: thousands of wild raccoons, many of which are infected with the rabies virus. After three people had been bitten by the animals in just the past week, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has warned locals and tourists to avoid the park, if at all possible. “Most people generally associate New York with rats,” said Bloomberg at a press conference last Friday. “I never thought raccoons would become the next big thing.”
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who tries to find fulfillment in her social life by placing dating ads in Soldier of Fortune magazine.
A 19-year-old New Zealand woman who only identified herself as “Unigirl” posted an advertisement on eBay, offering to sell her virginity to the highest bidder. The only stipulation: “no freaks.” After 2 weeks of waiting with no bids in sight, Unigirl (right) finally received one taker - an offer of 50 New Zealand dollars (about US$34), from a University of Auckland freshman. Phillip Markoff, a general studies major and member of the Delta Pi fraternity, responded to the ad after being egged on by his inebriated friends.
“I’ve got a fifty-spot and my beer goggles on, mate,” boasted Markoff, after a night of binge drinking. “For that kind of money I’m not expecting a killer babe.”
“More like a ‘kill it with fire’ babe,” retorted one of Markoff’s frat buddies after viewing the ad on Markoff’s laptop.
Due to elevated blood-alcohol levels, Markoff (left) is actually looking forward to his low-rent hookup, and says he’ll do just about anything on a dare.
“Gotta take one for the team, y’know,” added Markoff as he staggered out the door to meet his Unigirl. “Cover me, I’m goin’ in!”
This has been the third online ad of its kind in the past six months in New Zealand, where prostitution is legal, with some fearing the start of a trend. Government officials, while they frown on such shenanigans, nevertheless say the ad violates no laws. A similar stance is taken by eBay, which said in a prepared statement that “as long as the ad comports with local law, we’re cool with it.”
Unigirl, an unemployed art student at a local community college who lives in a homeless shelter, decided to post the ad to sell off her virginity in an effort to get some quick cash for beer and cigarettes.
“Fifty quid ain’t much, but I guess it will get me a carton of smokes and a few pints,” the disappointed Unigirl wrote on her Facebook page. “Well, bring him on, let’s get this over with.”
A massive diesel-powered trencher used in a coal strip mining operation suddenly malfunctioned yesterday, tearing across the countryside in the Ruhr region of Germany. The machine destroyed farm fields and left a smoldering swath of destruction through a small village before it finally came to a halt on the other side of the town. During its three-hour rampage, the trencher ripped a 15m (50ft.) deep trench across pastures and highways, then continued its destructive path through the center of Gelsenkirchen.
The monster machine, dubbed “Bagger 288,” in reference to the number of cubic meters of coal it can unearth every minute, weighs 45,000 tons and stands as tall as a 30-story office building. The trencher can travel five miles and excavate more than 17,000 cubic meters of coal (or anything else for that matter) in an hour. Fortunately no one was hurt in the incident as townspeople were ordered to evacuate while the giant machine closed in on the community. Pandemonium ensued as thousands of frightened residents scrambled for safety.
The mine trencher, built by Krupps (yep, the same people who make those nice coffee makers), experienced an apparent software malfunction and lurched out of the open-pit coal mine. The machine, which travels on an enormous set of tracks, headed straight for the village, just 3 miles away. Officials in the town evacuated the town’s residents just before the massive digger entered the outskirts. The machine literally cut the tiny town in half before running out of fuel in a sheep pasture a couple miles away.
“I’ve never seen such destruction,” exclaimed Fredrik Walling, mayor of the town. “I haven’t seen a town cut in two like this since Berlin!”
Officials at the mine were puzzled and offered no clues as to what caused the machine’s control system to fail.
“In it’s thirty years of operation it’ has never done anything like this,” said Eduard Froehlich, safety officer for Deutsche Steinkholle, which leases and operates the hulking machine. “It eats an occasional car in the mine, but nothing quite like this. Very unfortunate.”
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