India sinking into earth’s mantle. Geologists have discovered that the Indian subcontinent is gradually sinking, and will eventually drop through the earth’s crust, plunging into the fiery mantle below. But the scientists insist that the event won’t occur for another 60 to 70 years, giving the one billion-plus residents time to “take care of whatever loose ends they may have.” Meanwhile, several companies have begun moving their call centers off shore to places like Sri Lanka and Thailand, just in case the continental shift in India starts to accelerate.

Fundamentalist pastor threatens son with gun. The gunman, 60-year-old Joe Colquit, pastor of St. John Missionary Baptist Church in Alcoa, Tennessee, threatened to kill his 32-year old son, Michael, his wife and children, due to the son’s poor church attendance. So let’s get this straight: the pastor wants to send his son and his son’s family on a fast train to hell, because they were on a slow train to hell for not going to church? We don’t think the pastor thought his cunning plan through.

Fresno wins title of booziest city. In a survey by Men’s Health magazine, Fresno, California, won the dubious distinction of being America’s “drunkest city,” based on an algorithm that takes into account the amount of binge drinking, keg sales, DUI arrests, liver disease, number of frat houses, and other factors. The city’s mayor made the best of the news, stating “for years we’ve lived in the shadows of Los Angeles, San Francisco and Bakersfield. It’s nice to finally get recognition for something.”

[Ed. note: Your fiends at Alligators In The Sewer are now planning an exciting, fun-filled 6-day chartered bus tour and pub crawl to exciting Fresno, CA! Details and reservation information coming soon...]

Rabid raccoons put damper on Central Park activities. New York’s famous Central Park is looking a lot less crowded these days, as people are avoiding the area. The culprits: thousands of wild raccoons, many of which are infected with the rabies virus. After three people had been bitten by the animals in just the past week, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has warned locals and tourists to avoid the park, if at all possible. “Most people generally associate New York with rats,” said Bloomberg at a press conference last Friday. “I never thought raccoons would become the next big thing.”

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who tries to find fulfillment in her social life by placing dating ads in Soldier of Fortune magazine.