1950s CIA bread experiment fuels French freakout. A mysterious “poisoning” of French villagers nearly 60 years ago has now been solved after a journalist recently uncovered evidence proving that the CIA had spiked loaves of bread with LSD in a twisted Cold War mind-control experiment. In 1951, many residents of the tiny village of Pont-Saint-Espirit suffered hallucinations after eating the baguettes, leading investigators to believe the bread had been contaminated with some hallucinogenic fungus. Officials in France are now relieved to learn it was merely due to yet another routine CIA experiment. Said one resident who was stricken with the tainted bread: “It’s nice to know that snakes really didn’t try to eat my brains that day!”

TSA worker tries to sabotage terror database. Douglas James Duchak, 46, a now-former Transportation Security Administration worker in Colorado, was charged with attempting to hack into a government network to plant computer viruses. Investigators are trying to determine which is more shocking: that a TSA drone had the audacity to commit such an act, or that he had the intelligence to do so in the first place.

Pope’s brother gets slap-happy with choir boys. Georg Ratzinger, brother of Joseph Ratzinger (aka Pope Benedict XVI), led a German boys choir in Munich back in the 1980s, frequently dispensing a good bitch-slappin’ to any kid who got out of line. The Pope’s brother justified his actions at the time, but says that at age 86 he no longer doles out whup-ass on children, preferring instead to quietly crap his Depends  and yell “get off my lawn!” whenever he sees misbehaving youth.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who unflinchingly carries out her writing duties here at Alligators In The Sewer, despite the littered mess of empty beer bottles, unemptied trash bins, broken heating system, hostile work environment and proliferation of cockroaches.