Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez has issued an order completely banning the Internet. The South American dictator issued the edict after discovering several embarrassing photos of himself on a user’s Facebook page while surfing porn last week. Chavez would not reveal the nature of the offending images other than to state that he had “completely forgotten” about the boozy birthday party thrown for him last year featuring the two cheerleaders and the donkey.

“This Internet thing constitutes an illegal act, and I want it to just go away,” exclaimed an agitated Chavez in a telephone interview with actor Sean Penn. “It assails our sovereignty, it corrupts our way of life and could even lead to a coup d’etat. That is unacceptable, and it makes me mad!”

Chavez also characterized Twitter as a “tool of terror,” claiming that any communication service that sends 140-character messages could only be “an instrument of espionage and destruction.”

In response to criticism over his attempt at censorship, Chavez cited several unflattering discussion threads on Fark that, in his words, “could be a prelude to assassination.”

“I am personally pulling the plug first thing tomorrow morning…mark my words,” added the defiant Chavez. “Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be certain.”