Israelis warned about pirate matzah. Just a week before Passover, police in Israel raided a warehouse containing a 7 ton stash of matzah with fake kosher certificates. It is believed the counterfeit crackers were the work of organized crime. Perhaps the Kosher Nostra? Or was it just for somebody’s pirate bar mitzvah? “Avast me hearty yer a man now!” But we digress… In any case, religious authorities have warned people to be on the lookout for more of the bogus bread. “Don’t buy from strangers,” warned one official in Jerusalem.

Suicide bombers now turning to breast implants. Radical islamist plastic surgeons in Pakistan are planning to insert plastic explosives into breast implants - a location that would be virtually undetectable by current airport scanning devices. It is believed that the amount of explosives in a typical D-cup would be sufficient to blow the side out of an airliner. Apparently, these are not inflated claims. The Transportation Security Administration has responded to this potential threat by modifying its screening procedures at all U.S. airports. In related news, the TSA has recently noted a surge in applications from male job-seekers.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who once worked as a baker at a Waffle House in Florida. But he was fired after just three weeks for eating all the profits.