Texas Governor goes coyote hunting. Pistol-packing governor Rick Perry amused himself last week by sitting on the steps of the governor’s mansion in Austin and taking potshots at various critters. Hoping to see a few stray cats to pick off, Perry was pleasantly surprised when he spotted a large coyote running across the back yard. The governor dropped the animal with one shot from his .44 Magnum. Perry field-dressed the wily coyote, and plans a barbecue. Said the governor: “They taste just like chicken…a little on the tough side, though.”
Germany comes to Greece’s help. In an effort to assist the economically faltering nation, German chancellor Angela Merkel has offered to send monetary aid to Greece. Merkel stated that Germany was just being karmic, recalling a time decades ago when Greece helped as Russia invaded Turkey from the rear.
Jason Alexander runs over kid on bike. The actor accidentally struck the 14-year-old boy last Tuesday while driving in Los Angeles. The bicyclist suffered a concussion and numerous broken bones, but is expected to survive. When interviewed by police officers on the scene, the former Seinfeld star replied, “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? Because if anyone had said anything to me about not hitting kids on bikes…”
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Norm, who occasionally runs into unlucky bicyclists, rollerbladers and pedestrians while driving to AITS headquarters, though he hasn’t inflicted serious harm on anyone…yet.
Makers of the legendary Harley-Davidson motorcycles, a fixture in the U.S. for over 100 years, will soon move its manufacturing operations to India. The company has announced that it can no longer sustain the high labor and overhead costs of building the bikes in United States. According to Harley spokesman Bob Klein, a number of “significant cost gaps” must be filled for the company to remain competitive. The company also plans to build smaller bikes.
The move would shutter the Harley plants in Wisconsin, Missouri and Pennsylvania, eliminating some 3,700 high-paying unionized jobs. Meanwhile, the company is nearing completion of its new, 230,000 square foot manufacturing and parts distribution center in Gurgaon, near Delhi. The new facility is expected to open later this summer, and become fully operational by the first quarter of 2011. Hiring managers in Gurgaon were flooded with job applications from Indians eager to snag the coveted $3.11 an hour assembly jobs.
“I am impressed with the aggressive work ethic of our Indian associates,” said Klein at a press conference in Milwaukee. “We have a long tradition of American pride, and we expect to continue our vision with Indian pride! They love our bikes over there! I just wish we could name some of our bikes “Indian,” but I think that name’s already taken. Damn.”
Harley management envisions reaching lower-priced markets and hopes to begin selling cut-price models within two years. Plans are also in the works for a line of Moto-Cross and enduro bikes…even mopeds. Harley-Davidson hopes to cut the prices of its premium touring and Sportster bikes in half, while boosting profits.
“People simply can’t afford our bikes anymore,” added Klein. “Thirty grand for a motorcycle? That’s just retarded!”
Harley-Davidson has offered relocation packages to some of its U.S. employees, with over 100 expected to make the move to India.
The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission today announced the public unveiling of its extensive collection of Internet pornography, amassed over the years by its thousands of employees. The collection of images, video and anime, comprising over 760 terabytes (enough to fill 1,520 typical 500 gigabyte hard drives), will soon be shared with the public on the SEC website. The new service, dubbed The Official SECs Shop, will offer memberships to randy Americans, with one bonus: no computer viruses.
“For the very first time you can now safely surf for porn without any worry about malware,” said Darrell Katz, Promotional Advisor for the SEC. “We have performed several antivirus sweeps on all of the material our employees have downloaded, ensuring safe sex online. We like to run a clean operation here at the SEC.”
It is believed that the SEC’s collection of explicit material comprises the largest in the world.
“I don’t think even the Library of Congress has this much good stuff,” added Katz, with a sly grin.
The SEC has begun offering membership packages for its online services, ranging in price from $5 to $20 per month. The Official SECs Shop will incorporate a powerful search engine to help members seek out any image or video on the site.
“No matter what you’re into - T&A, plumpers, bondage, gay, hardcore…whatever you want - you can find it quickly at the SECs Shop,” boasted Dan Wright, IT administrator for the project.
The agency will use the subscription revenue to help offset some of its operating expenses, saving the taxpayers millions each year. Katz believes the SEC site will become the ultimate clearinghouse for all kinds of pornographic products.
“Our senior staffers have been diligently scouring the web for years to bring the finest adult entertainment to American citizens, and we are finding gigabytes more every day,” added Katz. “Who says government can’t be responsive?”
Meanwhile, other federal agencies are planning similar moves, inspired by the SEC site. The U.S. Treasury Department may start allowing its staff to share MP3 files they have downloaded at work via Kazaa and Bit Torrent, and the Department of Homeland Security is considering setting up an auction site to sell off items its employees have confiscated at airports.
Minuteman dies during modern day Revolutionary War skirmish. Neil Hill, 61, collapsed last week while loading his musket at a parade in Concord, MA. Hill is believed to be the latest casualty of the Revolutionary War, which has been ongoing in parts of eastern Massachusetts for about 230 years. Rumors in Hollywood suggest the possibility of a Mel Gibson movie covering this latest event.
Urn money while you rest. A terminal cancer patient has offered advertising space on his cremation urn in hopes of offsetting some of his medical expenses. Aaron Jamison of Springfield, OR, who suffers from an aggressive form of colon cancer, is seeking the highest bidder on Ebay for the ad. Currently, the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company has the highest bid, with a number of chemical companies threatening a bidding war.
Coke gets coke in Bolivia. An enterprising company has begun marketing “Coca Colla” (not a typo), a cocaine-laced soft drink. While the real Coca-Cola has been sans-cocaine for over a century, this South American soda is expected to be a big seller at $1.50 a pop (sorry). In related news, tourism to Bolivia has experienced a major surge.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who accidentally lit himself on fire yesterday while reenacting a scene from one of his favorite Jackass videos. Phil avoided serious injury, thanks to the quick and heroic actions of Maynard, who quickly dumped a mop bucket of nasty water on Phil’s head. Phil’s OK, and smells really bad.
Volcanic ash snarls air traffic in Europe. The plume of ash, belched from a volcano in Iceland, has spread from Ireland to the Ukraine, blackening out the sun and forcing people all over the continent to wear dust masks or stay indoors. Airlines have grounded all planes due to the corrosive effect the dust has on turbine engines. Said one aviation official in London: “If we can all be of good cheer and just buck up we should be as right as dodgers in less than a fortnight!” (Ed note: We have no idea what the fuck that Brit dude just said.)
U.S. Census giving remedial help. Amid low return rates in some parts of the country, the U.S. Census Bureau has decided to give additional help to Americans struggling to fill out their forms. The newly-released 2010 Census forms, version 2.0, will now come with a small battery-powered calculator, two #2 pencils and several sheets of scratch paper, to help people answer the ten questions on the form. A Census official stated that the biggest problem areas have been trailer parks, neighborhoods with large numbers of non-English-speakers, and home-schoolers.
Russian officials ban adoptions by Americans. The ban came after a Tennessee woman sent her 7-year-old adopted son back to Moscow alone on an airline with only a note and a bottle of vodka. Russian officials were incensed, moving to ban further adoptions by U.S. citizens, and refusing to refund any advance payments made by prospective U.S. adoptive families.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, who threatened to “just hop on a plane to Russia” if Norm doesn’t come through with a pay raise. Naturally, Norm called Gordy’s bluff, and it looks like we won’t be hearing from Gordy for a while. Good luck, comrade, and watch out for that volcanic dust!
In the wake of an announcement last week that it will begin charging fees of up to $85 per bag for carry-on luggage, Spirit Airlines is now offering a new promotion to help offset the high cost of air travel: naked travelers get a discount. The airline, in cooperation with the Transportation Security Administration, is offering fare bargains for passengers who board without wearing or carrying clothing. The idea is that clothing-optional travelers will save the airline - and the TSA - lots of money.
The TSA is even setting up special “express” lanes for nudist travelers at all major airports.
“It makes security screening much easier,” said Enrique “Ricky” Marquez, a TSA employee at the Dallas-Ft. Worth International Airport. “No bags, no clothes, no problem! Naked people can head straight for the metal detectors…most breeze through here in about 15 seconds. With the exception of the occasional body-cavity search, of course!”
The TSA claims that nude passengers will eliminate the need for body-scan equipment.
“We can see everything we need to already,” added Marquez. “Which isn’t always a good thing, by the way.”
Spirit Airlines is getting into the…er…spirit by encouraging its flight attendants to show up for work in the buff, and many are already taking to the skies au naturel. In the words of a Spirit spokesperson: “take your nakations with us!”
Other airlines, including American, United and Delta, are also eyeing the novel travel idea. Airlines could then use the overhead bins to carry mail and other light cargo, generating additional revenues.
Meanwhile, Homeland Security is considering a plan to eventually require all U.S. airline passengers to board in the nude by 2012.
“You won’t have to worry about taking off your shoes,” Marquez quipped.
After nearly 50 years, McDonald’s icon Ronald McDonald will be hanging up the clown suit. Chicago native Ronald Brisky, 69, has portrayed the famous fast-food clown since 1961 and has since become a world-recognized figure.
But years of too many free meals from his employer have taken its toll on his figure: Brisky now weighs in at just over 310 pounds and is at risk for diabetes. His girth has swelled so much in recent years that advertising agencies have resorted to using computer graphics programs to make Ronald’s proportions appear more normal in television ads. At the urging of his wife Anna, Brisky has finally decided to retire and enter a rehab facility for eating disorders. He has even received an offer to appear as a contestant on the hit TV show “The Biggest Loser,” which he is currently considering.
But until then, Brisky will try to lead a quiet, normal life. He’s lovin’ it.
“No regrets, though maybe I shouldn’t have wolfed down so many Big Macs and Filet O’ Fish,” said Brisky, from his home in Skokie, Illinois. “Lucky I didn’t eat all the profits, he he.”
In a press release, officials at McDonalds Corp. wished Brisky “the best in his endeavors, whatever the hell those may be.” The company is now conducting a talent search to find a replacement for Brisky, stating that it may look toward “younger, ‘edgier’ candidates.” Until then, the world’s largest burger chain is in no hurry to fill Brisky’s big clown shoes.
Malcolm McLaren, the former manager of the Sex Pistols, and pioneering producer of punk, hip-hop and world music, has died yesterday. In honor of the man, Norm has been blasting us all day with Duck Rock on his office ghetto blaster.
Easter egg hunts yields bonus for Iowa children. An Easter egg hunt in a Des Moines park provided added entertainment when kids discovered a body in a wooded area nearby. Said one excited third-grader: “This is the best Easter ever! I can’t wait to see what they have for us next year!”
Easter quake strikes northern Baja; hundreds of dollars damage reported. The 7.2 magnitude quake, centered more than 100 miles southeast of Tijuana, reportedly knocked over several beer bottles and lawn chairs in San Diego and Palm Springs and made a few swimming pools a bit choppy for a minute or two. There was also a report of a house collapsing in Mexicali - 200 people are now homeless.
Qatari diplomat causes commotion aboard United Airlines flight. The diplomat, Mohammed Al-Madadi, was caught by airline crew in a toilet, smoking a joint and trying to join the mile-high club with a fellow passenger. Flight attendants aboard the Washington, D.C. to Denver flight became suspicious when they smelled the tell-tale aroma of marijuana and heard giggling and slapping sounds coming from inside the lavatory. Al-Madadi was released without charges due to his diplomatic status, though TSA officials suggested that next time he should “take care of those urges before boarding a plane.”
Two British women violate airline’s carrion rules. The women were arrested at Liverpool’s airport when they tried to board a plane while pushing a dead body in a wheelchair. They were about to board when airline staff noticed the “sleeping” 91-year-old man with sun glasses wasn’t sleeping after all. The three happy travelers were headed to a goth convention in Germany. Thus the old adage is true: a friend will help you move, but a best friend will help you move a body.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who has never shared a flight with a dead person, though she has seen a few stiffs on the local buses.
Tea party activists. They’re loud, they’re in-your-face and they’re descending on the nation’s capital like locusts. Shouting baffling slogans like “March went out like a lion and now we’re starting April like a pit bull,” busloads of tea party activists will be converging on Washington, D.C. for a massive protest of the newly-passed health care bill and to disrupt traffic throughout the city. Protesters from all over the U.S. have been filing in to the District of Columbia, packing hotels as far away as Philadelphia and Richmond in anticipation of the mega event. The demonstration, set to begin tomorrow morning, aims to draw attention to what one conservative spokesperson called “a last ditch effort to galvanize America and ward off the sin of socialism before it’s too late.”
The massive event, which promises to be the largest assembled in Washington since President Obama’s inauguration, will feature guest speakers, sit-ins, and of course, plenty of traffic snarls. The National Park Service expects the Mall to be jam-packed elbow to elbow with protesters. Right-wing luminaries planning to make their presence known at tomorrow’s gathering include commentators Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), former VP candidate Sarah Palin, and Fred Phelps of the Topeka, Kansas based Westboro Baptist Church. The crowd plans to kick off the day by marching across the Arlington Memorial Bridge at the crack of dawn.
“Wait ’til you see how effectively we can screw up traffic on Pennsylvania Avenue,” said an angry Phelps as he was rallying his crowds in front of the U.S. Capitol Building. “We’ll show those heathen bastards that God has a plan and we are it!”
While many democrats are concerned (or at least annoyed) by the prospect of the massive show of force, other pundits are amused.
“What has two million legs, fifteen teeth and smells like stale Marlboros?…stop me if you’ve heard this one!,” joked a local radio talk show host on his program earlier today.
Thousands of counter-protesters are expected as well, and city leaders are urging everyone to stay calm. Local police and Secret Service agents will be out in full force to ensure order in the Capital City.
He’s been the toast of Tampa Bay for over a year. A macaque monkey which apparently escaped from a zoo, had been running amok in the Tampa-St. Petersburg area, taunting authorities and winning over legions of adoring fans. But the elusive mystery monkey hasn’t been seen in the area in several months, leading many locals to believe he may have been captured - or worse.
Until today, when a Florida animal-control officer spotted a news article on the Internet, showing the monkey alive and well and serving on a police force in Thailand. Dressed in a uniform, no less.
“That’s him! I know it’s him!,” exclaimed Clearwater biologist Rees Kirk. “I can’t mistake that shit-eatin’ grin. The little bastard!”
A phone call to the police department in Thailand’s coastal city of Phuket (pronounced “fuck it”) confirmed Kirk’s suspicions. The Tampa mystery monkey is now serving on the local police force there. He was even promoted to sergeant last week.
Apparently, the sly simian wandered into one of Tampa’s shipyards and found his way onto an ocean-going vessel, eventually ending up in the south Asian port. How the mystery monkey turned up on a Thai police force remains unknown, though it is not uncommon for police departments in the country to recruit monkeys and chimpanzees into service as police officers.
“He’s been a good officer so far,” said a lieutenant on the police force in Phuket. “He sniffs for bombs and picks up coconuts around here. He’s been a great help to us.”
Flamethrower scooter mod keeps tailgaters at bay. A clever UK plumber, Colin Furze, added the James Bond-like modification to his motorcycle (or “motorbike” as they say in Britain), which shoots a 15-foot column of flame out the back end. This pretty much ensures motorists keep a safe distance behind him. It brings a whole new meaning to the slogan “start seeing motorcycles.”
BC Environment minister sets cat on fire to celebrate Earth Hour. The mishap, which was purely an accident, occurred when British Columbia minister Barry Penner’s misguided feline brushed up against a candle during the lights-out Earth Hour observance last weekend. Penner’s wife, overcome with fur, said “put the cat out.” Literally. Fortunately, the kitty was unharmed, walking away with only some singed hair and a new instinctive fear of fire.
Papalgate continues to unravel for all the world to see. Pope Benedict XVI’s botched handling of the ever-widening sex abuse scandals just seems to be getting juicier all the time, with more evidence of widespread child abuse and cover-ups and denials by the church. Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Norm, who apparently did some fashion shopping last weekend at the local Army surplus store. He managed to frighten half the people on the block while walking from his car into AITS headquarters yesterday morning. It took him 20 minutes trying to convince all of us that he didn’t join some militia group.
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