Volcanic ash snarls air traffic in Europe. The plume of ash, belched from a volcano in Iceland, has spread from Ireland to the Ukraine, blackening out the sun and forcing people all over the continent to wear dust masks or stay indoors.  Airlines have grounded all planes due to the corrosive effect the dust has on turbine engines. Said one aviation official in London: “If we can all be of good cheer and just buck up we should be as right as dodgers in less than a fortnight!” (Ed note: We have no idea what the fuck that Brit dude just said.)

U.S. Census giving remedial help. Amid low return rates in some parts of the country, the U.S. Census Bureau has decided to give additional help to Americans struggling to fill out their forms. The newly-released 2010 Census forms, version 2.0, will now come with a small battery-powered calculator, two #2 pencils and several sheets of scratch paper, to help people answer the ten questions on the form. A Census official stated that the biggest problem areas have been trailer parks, neighborhoods with large numbers of non-English-speakers, and home-schoolers.

Russian officials ban adoptions by Americans. The ban came after a Tennessee woman sent her 7-year-old adopted son back to Moscow alone on an airline with only a note and a bottle of vodka. Russian officials were incensed, moving to ban further adoptions by U.S. citizens, and refusing to refund any advance payments made by prospective U.S. adoptive families.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, who threatened to “just hop on a plane to Russia” if Norm doesn’t come through with a pay raise. Naturally, Norm called Gordy’s bluff, and it looks like we won’t be hearing from Gordy for a while. Good luck, comrade, and watch out for that volcanic dust!