Minuteman dies during modern day Revolutionary War skirmish. Neil Hill, 61, collapsed last week while loading his musket at a parade in Concord, MA. Hill is believed to be the latest casualty of the Revolutionary War, which has been ongoing in parts of eastern Massachusetts for about 230 years. Rumors in Hollywood suggest the possibility of a Mel Gibson movie covering this latest event.

Urn money while you rest. A terminal cancer patient has offered advertising space on his cremation urn in hopes of offsetting some of his medical expenses. Aaron Jamison of Springfield, OR, who suffers from an aggressive form of colon cancer, is seeking the highest bidder on Ebay for the ad. Currently, the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company has the highest bid, with a number of chemical companies threatening a bidding war.

Coke gets coke in Bolivia. An enterprising company has begun marketing “Coca Colla” (not a typo), a cocaine-laced soft drink. While the real Coca-Cola has been sans-cocaine for over a century, this South American soda is expected to be a big seller at $1.50 a pop (sorry). In related news, tourism to Bolivia has experienced a major surge.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who accidentally lit himself on fire yesterday while reenacting a scene from one of his favorite Jackass videos. Phil avoided serious injury, thanks to the quick and heroic actions of Maynard, who quickly dumped a mop bucket of nasty water on Phil’s head. Phil’s OK, and smells really bad.