Taking a dump in the great outdoors will never be the same for this poor schlub.

Olympic Committee selects mascots for 2012 games. The London Organizing Committee chose a pair of naked mole rats from the London Zoo to promote the nation’s excitement over the upcoming games. Londoners wasted no time in capitalizing on the unusual mascot decision, hawking t-shirts at tube stations throughout the city. When asked about the choice, an unnamed Olympic official gave no particular reason for the selection, other than to state that the hairless rodents “look really kick-ass.”

Pakistani government sponsors Mohammed sketch contest on Facebook. Pakistan’s tourism minister decided to set up the “Everybody Draw Mohammed” page on the popular social networking site in an effort to “foster a cultural understanding of Islam and the people of Pakistan.” Several winners will be selected from the thousands of entries, with the top artists receiving an all-expense-paid trip to the south Asian nation.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Gordy, who tried in vain to make a suitable drawing on an Etch-A-Sketch, only to have it ruined due to his hands being shaky from too much heavy drinking the past week.

After several weeks of failed attempts to plug the massive Deepwater Horizon oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum has devised a novel idea: simply let the oil continue to flow to the surface of the sea, then scoop it up and refine it on the spot. To accomplish this, the British oil giant has just completed a first-of-its-kind, floating oil refinery near the source of the underwater gusher.

BP cobbled together the refining plant last week using surplus parts from other refineries, tying together thousands of empty steel oil drums to serve as a floating platform. The refinery is now up and running at full capacity, turning 30,000 barrels of sticky, waterlogged crude into high-grade gasoline and diesel fuel each day. And instead of shipping the gas to shore, the refinery has set up an on-site marine service station, refilling boats in the area.

“Why let this valuable resource go to waste by letting it wash up on the shores in the Gulf Coast, where it just sits on the beaches doing nothing?,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward, from his office in London. “We bring the refinery to the oil, suck it up from the water and refine it on location!”

Excitement over the floating refinery has BP looking to the future.

“The beauty of this facility is in its portability,” added Hayward. “The next time a spill occurs anywhere in the world, we can pull up anchor and tow this rig to the new gusher, ready to skim off the oil slick within 72 hours!”

While the move was met with skepticism by environmental activists, fishermen, shrimpers and yacht owners from Galveston to Pensacola are ecstatic over the new services now being offered at sea. As promotion and gesture of goodwill, BP will offer 100 gallons of free fuel for each of the first 100 shrimp boats that pull up to the station’s dock this week.

“This site is a great addition to the BP brand!,” exclaimed Alan Helgeson, operations manager on the giant rig 50 miles off the Louisiana coast. “Why go back to shore? Just pull your shrimp boat up to our docks and fill ‘er up! And don’t forget to stop in our on-board convenience store for beer and cigarettes.”

Developers are eyeing the floating structure to possibly offer more services for sea-faring travelers, including hotels, casinos, and perhaps even a BP theme park.

Shares of BP Plc rebounded at the closing Friday on the NYSE, gaining 75 cents per share.

“We don’t just bring petroleum to America’s shores,” added Hayward. “We bring petroleum everywhere!”

No time to brush? Try the delicious blue mints.

Top anti-gay Christian activist travels with gay hooker. Right-wing Baptist minister (is there another kind?) George Alan Rekers, head of the Family Research Council and known for his “gay to straight” therapy methods, apparently is in need of some therapy himself, after it was revealed that he traveled across Europe with a 20-year-old male escort Rekers met on a gay website. Said Rekers: “I think it’s just faaaaaabulous that I can travel about in the company of my big, strapping, Euro-hunk!”

While we’re on the subject of fundies…Florida State Senator (and staunch anti-abortion activist)  Mike Bennett was caught fapping to porn while listening to the legislative debates drone on. Fellow senators became suspicious when they observed Bennett making a bobbing motion from his desk in the legislature’s chamber. When confronted, a red-faced Bennett bolted out of the room, indignantly shouting “I wish people would just leave me alone during my time in my special place!”

Continental and United plan to merge. The two airlines agreed to a $3 billion stock swap this week. The new airline, which will be renamed Con-U, is expected to be the largest in the world.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Tina, who has no reason to believe her name would be put on a no-fly list… and yet, there it is. Watch for a disgruntled Tina, coming to a bus or train near you.

Some people fight over the smallest things. Literally.

Two male TSA security screeners at Miami International Airport went to fisticuffs today after one of the men walked through the new nude body scanner and the other made fun of the man’s small penis. The ensuing fight prompted several ticket-holders to join in, resulting in mass chaos at the terminal. After several minutes, the melee was broken up by fellow TSA officers and a few nearby luggage-handlers who quickly arrived at the scene.

The small-penis man, Rolando Negrin, (aka “PeeWee Negron”), 44, was charged with aggravated assault after police confirmed that he did indeed have a small penis. Negrin was picked out in a lineup by several of his fellow TSA workers, after authorities ordered him to drop trou.

“Yep, that’s needledick!,” shouted one unidentified female TSA screener,  who giggled uncontrollably as she walked into the TSA interrogation room. “Everybody knows Rolando around here. We all have lots of yuks in the employee locker room.”

The airport was shut down for over three hours while federal agents secured the perimeter and searched Negrin’s Hummer H2 parked in the ramp.

A Miami-Dade sheriff deputy involved in the case told the press, “We have identified the suspicious package and now have everything under control. This junk is nothing to get excited about.”

The unnamed coworker involved in the scuffle was interviewed by police and released. He gave no formal statement, but remarked, “Rolando ought to know better than to walk into one of those machines without taking his little blue pill.”

Meanwhile, Lauren Stover, Assistant Director of Operations at Miami International, issued a press statement, praising the quick actions of airport staff, adding that she is pleased to see that the new security scanners are able to detect such small, hidden objects.

“Our full-nude body-scanners use the latest in high-tech millimeter-wave technology…the level of detail is fantastic!,” boasted Stover. “This has been a great test of our capabilities. If these machines can spot Rolando’s little bitty pee-pee, they can find anything!”

Carpe Diem.

Happy May Day from the whole Alligators In The Sewer fambly!

Bunch of goddamn commie socialist bastards….