Woman sues Google for bad directions. What’s the difference between a sidewalk and a busy highway? Don’t know the answer to that riddle? Well, neither does Los Angeles resident Lauren Rosenberg. After following directions from Google Maps, the common-sense-challenged Rosenberg somehow ended up wandering onto Utah State Route 224 in Park City, and (of course) getting hit by a car. Apparently, Rosenberg was too self-absorbed in reading from the 7 pages of printouts to look up and actually see the oncoming traffic. And of course, a lawsuit is in the works, with Rosenberg suing for 100 grand. When approached in her yard today by members of the press, Rosenberg just gave a terse “no comment” before lighting another cigarette and resuming her game of lawn darts.

Giant planet-eating star goes on binge. The insatiable star, first spotted in the constellation Betelgeuse by the Hubble space telescope and dubbed Wasp-12b, has quickly devoured Neptune, Saturn and Uranus on its trajectory through our solar system. The rampaging red giant is now on its way toward the asteroid belt, eating up everything in sight. Om nom nom nom.

McDonald’s pulls cadmium-tainted Shrek glasses. The drinking glasses, manufactured by ARC International in Millville, N.J. (what…were you expecting the Chinese?), contain excessive levels of the highly toxic element. The hamburger giant acted quickly to issue a recall after reports turned up of children suddenly turning green, growing trumpet-shaped ears and speaking in a Scottish brogue after drinking from the glass tumblers. Fortunately the affliction is only temporary and can be reversed by feeding the child copious amounts of sugar and caffeinated beverages.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who just packed up his tent, binoculars and video camera and plans to set up summer camp in a field behind Sarah Palin’s house. Watch for Phil’s new book…coming soon.