Toad-whacker holidays down under. In a desperate effort to rid itself of some of the gigantic cane toads that multiply in exponential numbers, Australia is unveiling its latest tourism promotion: come Down Under to whack some toads. For every cane toad you club to death with a stick, the Australian Tourism Board will give you one frequent flier mile credit toward your flight on Quantas. What a deal.

N.J. woman aims to become world’s fattest. Well, everyone needs a goal in life, and 600 pound (and growing) Donna Simpson, 42, is aspiring to hit 1000 lbs. Simpson, who resembles a cross between Jabba the Hut and the Goodyear blimp, hopes to submit a claim to the Guinness Book of World Records for her mass. Her fiancee, Philippe Gouamba, says his girl is “sexy,” and doesn’t mind the fact that she now has her own gravitational field. Simpson spends over $1000 a week on groceries, has Type 2 diabetes, and has considerable trouble doing normal day-to-day tasks, such as reaching for the remote control. We’re guessing that bathing is out of the question, the mental image of which gives us recurring nightmares. Pass the eye-bleach, please.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Bug the Cat, who inadvertently wrote this article simply by walking across the keyboard yesterday afternoon, proving that the job of writing for Alligators In The Sewer requires absolutely no skill or thought processing whatsoever.