In a freak act of rage, God sent what appeared to be a large explosive football downward from the heavens, completely destroying a giant statue of Jesus outside an Ohio megachurch.
The iconic sculpture, dubbed Touchdown Jesus, had been a fixture for over two decades on the front lawn of the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio. The popular statue, so named because it depicted Jesus posed to catch a long pass, sat halfway between Cincinnati and Dayton and was clearly visible from the busy freeway that passes nearby. The statue was constructed in the 1980s by church members as a tribute to the Cincinnati Bengals football team.
The tragedy occurred early Monday evening during a thunderstorm, when shocked onlookers driving along I-75 witnessed a most unusual sight: a massive football-shaped object hurtling down from the sky, smashing into the 62-foot tall statue with a loud thunderous sound. Touchdown Jesus didn’t stand a chance. The wood, styrofoam and fiberglass structure erupted into flames and burned to the ground in just minutes, leaving a smoldering pile of ashes.
Townsfolk think the incident is more than just a freak accident.
“God has a plan for us…and it ain’t good,” warned Timothy Jenkins, 82, longtime Monroe resident and a deacon at Solid Rock Church. “This is the end of times, I tell you! The end of times!”
Area residents, fearing an imminent wrath of biblical proportions, have begun stocking up on fresh water, groceries, fuel and ammunition in anticipation of what they believe will be the end of the world. Shelves at supermarkets and home center stores in the Monroe area were stripped bare, with thousands of locals trying in vain to load up on provisions. Many residents were overheard speaking in tongues and seen running frantically to and from their homes, while others were hurriedly boarding up windows and doors.
Yet, the irony of Touchdown Jesus falling victim to a ballistic football is not lost on local citizens.
“I guess it’s the way he’d want to go,” said Monroe fire chief Mark Neu as he surveyed the destruction of the $700,000 sculpture.
In unrelated news, the topless bar and adult bookstore just across the highway were miraculously spared by the violent storm.