Theo Albrecht, German co-founder of the immensely popular Aldi grocery chain, has died at age 88. No word on the cause of death.
Aldi is the place everyone here at Alligators In The Sewer shops for groceries (Duh! It’s cheap). Upon hearing the news, Norm was so upset, he locked himself in his office for several hours today. He later emerged and we all observed a moment of silence in honor of Mr. Albrecht. Which in itself is a feat, as it’s never quiet in the AITS newsroom, what with all the yelling and tantrums that normally go on here.
According to German media, there was a small service for Mr. Albrecht in his hometown of Essen. The Aldi founder was buried in a large orange crate, in a final effort to save money.
Can you hear me now? Indonesian Muslims learned today that they had been praying in the wrong direction for years, much to their horror. In what has been deemed a clerical error, the country’s faithful had been unwittingly pointing themselves eastward toward a point somewhere in central El Salvador, instead of westward toward Mecca. The discovery came after a religious leader was toying with his new Garmin GPS device and found their orientation 180 degrees off. “The solution was easy,” said Cholil Ridwan, head of the Indonesian Ulema Council. “We just played the ‘Hokey Pokey’ from the minaret tower and everyone turned themselves around.”
Man knocks out front teeth in fishing accident, moves to Indiana and wins Powerball. The man, who refused to give his name pending confirmation by lottery officials, stated it was always his dream to “be a millionaire and live in a great big double-wide.” No word yet if the winner will seek dental treatment.
Huge whale-eating sea monster discovered off the coast of Peru. The 90-foot behemoth was discovered by a crew of Chilean whalers after it surfaced and grabbed a recently-caught beluga off the whalers’ harpoon line. The clever whalers were then able to harpoon the 150-ton creature and bring it into port. In unrelated news, a strange new brand of “tuna” has started showing up on grocery shelves throughout Latin America.
This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who cashes in all his aluminum beer cans to buy lottery tickets and pickled eggs at his local convenience store. Aim high, Phil.
In a major setback for proponents of alternative energy, the solar-powered plane Solar Impulse crash landed in a Swiss pasture at about 9:30 PM local time yesterday during a distance record attempt. After piloting the plane throughout the day without incident, test pilot Andre Borschberg was faced with a sudden loss of power just after sunset. Borschberg, an experienced fighter pilot with the Swiss Air Force, was able to glide the disabled plane into the remote farm field, walking away from the wreck with only minor cuts and bruises.
“Someone forgot the batteries,” sighed Bertrand Piccard, a ground crew member for the project. “The last time we ordered one of these planes, it came with batteries. We figured this one would too. We really gotta watch that shit from now on.”
Lithium storage batteries are necessary to provide energy for the plane’s engine and avionics during nighttime when the wing-mounted solar cells no longer generate power. The plane uses 11,240 rechargeable AA cells to supplement the solar panels.
Despite a few tense moments aloft, Borschberg handled the in-flight emergency with skill. “The sun dropped below the horizon and suddenly the prop stopped turning and my instruments went dark,” said the pilot. “That sure put a spot on the front seat!”
Still, Borschberg was not happy with the blunder.
“It would’ve been nice if the factory put a label on the shipping crate…like ‘batteries not included’ or something,” added the disgruntled test pilot as he helped crews pick up pieces of debris strewn about the field. “Do we have to go to Radio Shack and get the damn things ourselves?”
Officials at Ohm aerospace, the plane’s manufacturer, offered no comments on the mishap, other than to say that the plane “must’ve been built on a Friday.” A similar incident occurred last year when a solar plane made by the company had to be ditched off the coast of South Africa shortly after dusk. It was discovered that a worker at the Ohm plant had installed the batteries backwards.
That’s it. We’re done.
Last one out of here, please turn out the light.