Can you hear me now? Indonesian Muslims learned today that they had been praying in the wrong direction for years, much to their horror. In what has been deemed a clerical error, the country’s faithful had been unwittingly pointing themselves eastward toward a point somewhere in central El Salvador, instead of westward toward Mecca. The discovery came after a religious leader was toying with his new Garmin GPS device and found their orientation 180 degrees off. “The solution was easy,” said Cholil Ridwan, head of the Indonesian Ulema Council. “We just played the ‘Hokey Pokey’ from the minaret tower and everyone turned themselves around.”

Man knocks out front teeth in fishing accident, moves to Indiana and wins Powerball. The man, who refused to give his name pending confirmation by lottery officials, stated it was always his dream to “be a millionaire and live in a great big double-wide.” No word yet if the winner will seek dental treatment.

Huge whale-eating sea monster discovered off the coast of Peru. The 90-foot behemoth was discovered by a crew of Chilean whalers after it surfaced and grabbed a recently-caught beluga off the whalers’ harpoon line. The clever whalers were then able to harpoon the 150-ton creature and bring it into port. In unrelated news, a strange new brand of “tuna” has started showing up on grocery shelves throughout Latin America.

This week’s edition of NFTS was compiled by Phil, who cashes in all his aluminum beer cans to buy lottery tickets and pickled eggs at his local convenience store. Aim high, Phil.