After a summer of unusually high rainfall followed by torrential September storms, the entire state of North Dakota is now completely submerged by a shallow lake. Most of the state’s 700,000 residents have been forced to seek higher ground in neighboring states as emergency crews assist with disaster efforts.

“I’ve never seen so much goddamn water in all my years,” exclaimed a 78-year-old farmer as he loaded his personal belongings into a flat-bottomed boat at his home near Fargo. “Hell, even the Red River flooding was never this bad.”

In fact, the almost perfectly flat Great Plains state hasn’t had this much water in over 10,000 years. The problem began in July as Devils Lake, the state’s largest, began swelling due to summer rains.

The flooded area now covers almost exactly the same geographical expanse as the ancient Lake Agassiz, which was created thousands of years ago by melting glaciers. The new lake, which averages about three feet in depth, has expanded across the entire state, washing out crops of wheat, corn and sunflowers in the process. The only terrain features not submerged are a few Badlands hilltops in the western part of the state.

Red Cross teams scoured the state in watercraft and helicopters, providing assistance to residents stranded atop houses, trees and grain silos. Massive evacuation orders were given in the cities of Fargo, Grand Forks and Bismarck, with National Guard troops sent in to help. Electricity and gas lines have been shut off statewide as an extra precaution. Fortunately, there were no reports of fatalities or serious injuries, as most evacuees were able to simply wade out of their homes.

The swelling lake has North Dakota’s neighbors on edge. South Dakota governor Mike Rounds has called on volunteers to help sand bag that state’s 400-mile-long border shared with its inundated neighbor.

“We don’t want any of that spilling over down here,” said Rounds in a press conference in Pierre. “We’ve got enough of our own problems, thank you very much.”

It is expected that the new lake will eventually be drained off by the Missouri River, and N.D. residents will be able to return to their homes in a month or two.

Acquiescing to mounting pressure from critics around the globe, a Florida pastor has decided to tone down his church’s proposed Qu’ran burning ceremony, scheduled for 9/11. The Rev. Terry Jones, flamboyant leader of Gainesville’s Dove World Outreach Center, has changed the theme of the upcoming event to a Qu’ran cookoff contest, offering cash prizes to the best dishes that incorporate pages of the Muslim holy book.

“We’re having a Bar-B-Qu’ran!,” exclaimed the excited Jones from the steps of his tiny chapel. “Get it? BAR…BEE…CUE…RAN……he he…oh never mind, dammit!”

Church members showed off some of their culinary offerings during a practice run in the church basement kitchen yesterday.

“Needs a bit more pepper, and maybe a pinch of oregano,” said one parishioner as he took a sip of his Quran stew, simmering away in a large black kettle.” But the book’s ink really gives it that one-of-a-kind flavor.”

Another contest hopeful was busy putting the finishing touches on her dish of orange roughy sauteed in butter with a creamy bearnaise sauce and asparagus spears, served on a stack of torn-out pages from the book.

Yet another chef wannabe, who only identified himself as “Bomb-Head Mohammed,” was beaming with pride while frying up an odd-looking concoction of breaded catfish rolled in couple pages from the Quran. “This’ll be tastier than Chick-Fil-A!”

The cookoff, which is scheduled for September 11, the ninth anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks, has attracted far less attention from critics in the Islamic world, and more attention from local food critics. Over 700 tickets for the event have been sold, already with crowds of over 3000 expected by Saturday.

Meanwhile, reactions from Muslim nations appear to be subdued, with only minor street protests in Tehran and in a few cities in Pakistan.