Alligators In The Sewer - Frequently Asked Questions
Our responses to some of the stupid inquiries we receive from readers. Read these before sending in your idiotic questions, to avoid looking even dumber than those guys. We’ll add more questions as they come in.
Q: Why Alligators In The Sewer?
A: Why not? If we can write stupid shit on the internet, rattle people’s cages, stir up controversy, and get paid for it, our purposes in life are fulfilled. Besides, we like the money and no heavy lifting is required.
Q: Who thought up the name “Alligators In The Sewer”?
A: It was a joint effort (no, not that kind of joint). We were brainstorming after a round of heavy drinking one night and decided “Alligators In The Sewer” would serve as an appropriate metaphor for all the amazingly stupid and unbelievable crap we write about. And the Internet domain was available.
Q: Who comes up with the news stories on Alligators In The Sewer?
A: Nobody. The stories come to us. These stories are just reflections of real life. We just report ‘em as we see ‘em. Kind of. Well, OK, maybe we add a little bullshit. Some of the events portrayed are so twisted that the stories practically write themselves. There’s more than enough screwed-up shit going on in the world to guarantee our job security for a long time.
Q: So you make some of this shit up, don’t you?
A: We make a lot of this shit up. It expresses our twisted view of an even more twisted world. The ideas just flow here. Like pus oozing from an open sore.
Q: Is nothing sacred with you guys?
A: Just a few things remain off-limits. We won’t pick on handicapped kids, orphans, or nice little old ladies. Pretty much everything else is fair game. We’ll try anything once, except incest and folk dancing.
Q: Do you ever get hate mail?
A: Occasionally. Norm prints it out and tacks it up on the walls here for everyone’s amusement. One of these days we’ll incorporate some of that shit in a feature article. With names, email addresses and all. For now we just post them here.
Q: Who is Norm?
A: Norm is the cretin who started this whole AITS thing. It’s all his fault, so direct your angry hate mail to him. Seriously, Norm has been a great inspiration to all of us and we’ve learned a lot under his tutelage, though we wish he would learn to control his temper a bit. And buy the beer once in a while.
Q: Does Norm review everything you guys write?
A: Yes, that’s what an editor does (duh!). Norm’s style is all-or-nothing. When any of us sends him a draft, he either rejects it entirely, or lets it through without any changes. Norm calls that binary editorial control. We call it laziness.
Q: Why is Norm so angry all the time?
A: Actually, Norm isn’t angry all the time. But he is angry enough of the time to basically make our lives miserable all of the time. We don’t know what’s behind his pent-up frustration. Maybe it was an unhappy childhood, mommy issues, rejections by girlfriends…we have no idea. We just steer clear when The Big Guy is on the warpath.
Q: Does Norm have a drinking problem?
A: No, Norm has an anger problem. (See above.) He never drinks enough at one sitting to significantly alter his attitude, better or worse.
Q: How did Norm get the nickname “Stormin’ Norman”?
A: You weren’t paying attention, were you? Go back to some of the questions listed above.
Q: Why don’t you show more pictures of Tina?
A: Despite her brash, undiplomatic way of dealing with other people, Tina is really quite sensitive about her private info. She asked that we not show pictures of her on AITS, and threatened to perform a Lorena Bobbitt maneuver on anyone who did. Such a delicate little snowflake, that Tina. After much groveling by us, she did finally allow us to post a small avatar.
Q: Do Tina’s redneck relatives read AITS?
A: Tina’s redneck relatives don’t read. They don’t write, either. Which probably explains the lack of hate-mail after we ran the story of her cousin’s wedding in Nebraska a while back.
Q: Do you ever get any stalkers?
A: Nope, you’re the first.
Q: Has Bug ever shit in anyone else’s shoes besides Norm’s?
A: Wait a minute, lemme check………………….uh, no.
Q: Why doesn’t AITS run ads on the site?
A: Not run ads? (ROTFLMAO) That’s a good one. The ads are there - you just can’t see them. They are subliminal ads. But their effect is no less potent. In just a few hours after pointing your eyeballs at the AITS site those hidden images and messages will start swirling around in your head, burrowing deeper and deeper into the vacant recesses of your cerebral cortex, only to remain there forever, like an unwanted house guest. Muahahahaha!
Q: AITS has a comments feature, but I never see any comments published. What’s up with that?
A: The comments are there, but they are subliminal, just like the advertising.
Q: What’s Maynard’s story?
A: Maynard the Phone Boy was just one of the local street-urchins who happened to wander into the AITS offices one day looking for work. He seemed affable enough and harmless, so we put him to work answering the phone, running errands and such. It is reasonably likely that Maynard has a small amount of brain damage, but we can’t be sure.
Q: Why do you guys pick on Maynard so much and treat him like a tool?
A: We don’t pick on Maynard. We love Maynard - he’s part of the AITS fambly. Maynard is here under his own volition - he wants to be here. Sometimes we don’t want him to be here quite so much, as he can irritate us to no end. But that’s beside the point.
Q: If you ever decided to actually pay Maynard, how much would it be?
A: Maynard rakes in so much cash around here from keeping errand change, cashing in aluminum beer cans and winning Gordy’s stupid bets, that if we were to pay him the prevailing wage he would effectively see a cut in his income. At least that’s what we plan to tell the state labor department if they ever ask us.
Q: If Gordy keeps losing bets, why does he continue to make them?
A: Gordy’s incapable of learning from his financial mistakes.
Q: Do you guys listen to tunes at work, and if so, what kind?
A: Yes we do. Although we rarely agree on what to play, we all agree that country music is not allowed.
Norm has his own office and plays a lot of ’80s dance pop on his boom box. He has an Ebn-Ozn CD he plays way too much, and we can always hear it blasting through the paper-thin walls. The rest of us have agreed to take turns with our faves on the newsroom ghetto blaster, so we don’t kill each other over it. Tina likes death metal, which scares the shit out of Bug the Cat, making him crawl under the copy machine and howl the whole time. Gordy prefers wussy “lite rock adult contemporary” stuff, which gives Tina hours of amusement as she emasculates him with ridicule. Maynard is agreeable to pretty much everything, but sometimes pops in some Springsteen or Hendrix.
Q: What’s the deal with that new guy, Phil Usher? Are there any warrants out for his arrest?
A: You’re probably thinking there’s some reward money. Hehe. But no, Phil doesn’t have any warrants. We ran a background check. That doesn’t mean the guy doesn’t get into some deep shit once in a while. But Phil has a knack for getting out of tight situations just as fast as he gets into them. The guy is Houdini reincarnated. We don’t know much about Phil’s shenanigans and we don’t care to. He just sends in stories and we mail out paychecks to some remote P.O. box. That’s how we like it.
Q: Why do you guys write so many stories about animals?
A: We like animals. Animals are funny sometimes. Besides, they’re more interesting than most humans. Next question.
A: We’ve given it some thought. When it happens, you’ll be the first to know. Meanwhile, if you want to pre-order and get your place in line, you can send us some money.
Q: Who does your site’s art work?
Q: I just got busted and need legal help. Does Nigel moonlight?
A: Actually, we are Nigel’s moonlight job. Nigel has an office with a “regular job” somewhere in town. We have no idea where, unfortunately. Perhaps under a bridge. Good luck with your legal problem, BTW. If things don’t work out, let us know. We’ll send you a soap-on-a-rope.
Q: Is Alligators In The Sewer accepting job applications?
A: You really want to work here? With people like us? What’s wrong with you? You are one twisted and screwed-up individual. You should be ashamed of yourself and should seek professional counseling immediately. The short answer to your question: no. But thanks for thinking of us.
Q: Do you think there really are alligators in the sewers?
A: Well, of course there are. Great big ones, too. Mutated crocodiles, caimans and albino ‘gators - descended from all those cute little pets flushed down the toilets over the years. Some people get a false sense of security in thinking that it’s just an urban legend. But it’s not. We know better. The massive reptiles have been known to exist in utility and storm sewers of nearly every major North American city. Real mean bastards with jaws bristling with sharp, jagged teeth, and a taste for anything that moves. Those adaptable crocodilians actually thrive down there, and quietly hunt in total darkness using their keen sense of smell and their ability to detect warm-blooded prey from great distances in the water. They’ll grab you by the legs, pull you under and do the death roll. Don’t go in those sewers. (Another safety tip from your friends at AITS.) Gordy and Maynard once found a dead opossum on the road and tossed it into an open manhole. It looked like a tsunami down there with at least six gators fighting over it, ripping it to shreds.