Selected Articles From The AITS Cellar
These wonderfully twisted Alligators In The Sewer posts come and go so quickly, pushed off the main page and into the archives as time marches on and new pages are added. Stashed where few take the time to find them, doomed to obscurity. OK, enough drama. You get the idea.
Here is your chance to see what you have been missing all this time. Especially if you’ve recently discovered our disgusting little site. Below are links to selected AITS articles that we have - for whatever reason fits within our self-aggrandized goals - deemed notable. Our back issues. You’ve got some catching up to do.
2010
May 6, 2010. Florida TSA workers in brawl over penis size.
April 29, 2010. Harley-Davidson plans to offshore manufacturing, off mopeds.
April 23, 2010. SEC boasts world’s biggest porn collection, and it’s now available online.
April 15, 2010. Spirit Airlines offers money-saving nudist vacations.
April 13, 2010. Ronald McDonald to retire, enter rehab.
April 7, 2010. Teabaggers plan “million man march” on Washington.
April 5, 2010. Tampa Bay “mystery monkey” turns up in Thailand.
March 31, 2010. Power companies to flush electrical grid. People need to cover their outlets.
March 23, 2010. Windows 7 Service Pack 1 is out and loaded with features.
March 18, 2010. Tomato shortage forces restaurants to find substitutes.
March 15, 2010. Venezuela’s president orders ban of Internet.
March 9, 2010. Real Nigerian prince tired of all the phony emails using his name.
February 25, 2010. Sea World worker killed by angry dolphins.
February 25, 2010. South Carolina radio station switches to all-autotune format.
February 16, 2010. Man invents “rectal floss,” created medical breakthrough.
February 10, 2010. Seeing double: Leno to move back to late night, look-alike will host earlier show.
February 7, 2010. Microsoft discovers 17-year-old bug; Windows problems now solved.
February 3, 2010. New Zealand woman auctions her virginity on eBay; only gets one bidder.
February 1, 2010. Massive trencher goes haywire, cuts German village in half.
January 30, 2010. Global warming causes Punxsutawney officials to retire famous groundhog.
January 27, 2010. International Space Station gets Internet access. Productivity on board drops to near zero.
January 23, 2010. ADVERTISEMENT: The Yemen Tourism Promotion Board.
January 20, 2010. Minor earthquake sparks AITS server outage.
January 18, 2010. German imposes national Autobahn speed limit. Hilarity does not ensue.
January 14, 2010. Listmania: Personality traits of guys revealed…in the men’s room.
January 7, 2010. Alligators In The Sewer hires creepy IT guy.
January 1, 2010. Hackers delay New Year by one minute.
2009
December 29, 2009. Listmania: Past New Year’s resolutions that fail…and our new ones for 2010.
December 23, 2009. Yahoo! shuts down for holidays to save money.
December 23, 2009. PBS launches “The Ken Burns Channel.”
December 14, 2009. Italian officials: attacks with statues may become rampant.
December 6, 2009. Samuel Adams brews record 27% alcohol beer. That title falls within days.
December 1, 2009. TSA places Zhu Zhu Pets toy hamsters on airport watch list.
November 30, 2009. Vatican seeks extraterrestrial life; missionaries ready to go in the event they find any.
November 26, 2009. Listmania: Christmas gifts we hope to never see under our trees.
November 20, 2009. U.S. military sending lawyers to fight in Iraq, Afghanistan.
November 17, 2009. Experts: El Nino cited in home mortgage meltdown.
November 12, 2009. Listmania: Unanswered questions that bug us.
November 9, 2009. Bird dropping destroys Large Hadron Collider.
November 5, 2009. Sometimes the stories just write themselves. Ask the job applicant we interviewed today.
November 3, 2009. Non-existent UK town on Google Maps now being built to correct error.
November 1, 2009. Realtors rent out foreclosed homes as urban bed & breakfasts.
October 26, 2009. The second annual AITS Halloween party. What could possibly go wrong?
October 23, 2009. Wal-Mart aims for upscale shoppers. The jury is still out on that one.
October 22, 2009. Connecticut and Rhode Island plan merger to save money.
October 19, 2009. Hiroshima and Nagasaki bidding for 2020 Olympics.
October 13, 2009. KY man celebrates 50 years of telling kids to get off his lawn.
October 10, 2009. The Mojo Nixon back catalog is free and legal for the taking!
October 9, 2009. President Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize; had no idea until he saw it on the morning news.
October 9, 2009. One remaining private employer still gives day off on Columbus Day.
October 7, 2007. Man with Tourette’s makes several inadvertent purchases at auction house.
October 5, 2009. Letterman enters rehab for sex addiction.
October 4, 2009. Nigerians in row over Sony PS3 advertisement.
September 28, 2009. Listmania: 12 things we’d like to nuke.
September 25, 2009. Norm’s global adventure: a beer in every time zone.
September 21, 2009. CA Sheriff Dept. uses Chinese finger traps to restrain DUI suspects.
September 18, 2009. Colorado man lands lucrative job as paid Internet troll.
September 14, 2009. Rep. Joe Wilson “tired of constantly apologizing.”
September 13, 2009. Somali jihadist group looking for a few good men.
September 12, 2009. Scientists discover fabled “Mongolian Death Worm.”
September 9, 2009. Post Office proposes once-weekly mail delivery.
September 6, 2009. Singer Jimmy Buffett wishes people would stop calling, asking for Warren.
September 1, 2009. CT man tries unsuccessfully to sell parents on Craigslist.
August 30, 2009. AITS adds new staff member. We may live to regret this.
August 29, 2009. Traces of cocaine found in U.S. currency creates new drug market.
August 26, 2009. NYC hotel with floor-to-ceiling windows caters to sex exhibitionists.
August 24, 2009. Wisconsin plans to drain lake, refill it with beer to set world record.
August 18, 2009. Cheap fruit wine judged best at California State Fair contest.
August 15, 2009. “Surprise squirrel” pops up on TV shows, becomes instant celebrity.
August 11, 2009. State Fair food-on-a-stick that likely won’t be a big hit with the crowds.
August 10, 2009. Safety tip from AITS: don’t fool around with electricity.
August 9, 2009. Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme to be released from prison, plans TV talk show.
August 5, 2009. Government “cash for clunkers” program ends as nation runs out of clunkers.
August 4, 2009. Google Street View to add indoor view feature.
August 2, 2009. Vermont man starts online dating service for habitual nose-pickers.
July 28, 2009. Library of Congress needs linguists for massive Pig Latin translation project.
July 22, 2009. Famous Taco Bell Chihuahua dies of asphyxiation.
July 22, 2009. NASA plans to detonate nuke on the moon, just to see if any extraterrestrials notice.
July 16, 2009. San Diego beach-goers menaced by hordes of giant flying squid.
July 12, 2009. Ohio gun-advocacy group tries “yellow gun project.” Hilarity does not ensue.
July 2, 2009. Michael Jackson’s body to be displayed at Body Worlds.
June 26, 2009. Kentucky “bring your guns to church day” goes off with just a few minor problems.
June 21, 2009. BASE jumper parachutes from atop soon-to-be-reopened Statue of Liberty.
June 10, 2009. Guantanamo detainees to appear in next season’s “Survivor” on island nation of Palau.
June 10, 2009. One-hit-wonder group plays sole hit 11 times in a row to baffled audience.
June 6, 2009. AITS staffer Gordy begins summer moonlighting job.
June 2, 2009. Copper ore motherlode unearthed at Minnesota expressway construction site.
May 30, 2009. “Lost” final season plans Gilligan’s Island connection.
May 28, 2009. Broadcaster trade group lobbies for additional delay in DTV switch.
May 23, 2009. Dick Cheney found secretly living in White House basement.
May 17, 2009. Maynard goes fishing.
March 26, 2009. Google and YouTube planning massive “TubeMan” festival to blow up TVs in Utah desert.
March 19, 2009. Winning your hears and minds (and eyeing your daughters): polygamist sect begins informative door-to-door campaign.
March 16, 2009. Midget robs bank with phony gun, gets phony money.
March 11, 2009. Gmail outage sends stock market reeling.
March 10, 2009. Bernie Madoff unable to find suitable defense lawyer; decides to represent himself.
March 8, 2009. Old Faithful misses eruption; careless backhoe operator blamed.
March 5, 2009. Radioactive animal shelter yields mutant pets.
March 4, 2009. Oregon would prefer that Portland keeps its weirdness to itself.
March 2, 2009. Ryanair proposing pay toilets on flights; coin-op oxygen masks and flotation devices next.
February 28, 2009. City transit buses to begin assigned seating.
February 26, 2009. Preschooler hurt in freak Big Wheel accident.
February 25, 2009. Wisconsin man busted for fishing contest cheat.
February 23, 2009. Psych nurse goes on rampage in hospital after suffering head injury.
February 23, 2009. Sears to revert back to mail-order catalog company.
February 17, 2009. KFC returns its secret recipe to vault after document leaked on Internet.
February 17, 2009. Celebrity chimp goes off meds, on a rampage in CT.
February 13, 2009. Pernicious porta-potty pyro plagues San Francisco.
February 11, 2009. Krispy Kreme 1K race a success: no heart attacks, but no one finishes, either.
February 10, 2009. Iranian mullahs issue fatwa against U.S. comedian Jeff Dunham.
February 8, 2009. Report: Chinese test-market exploding cell phone on unsuspecting customers.
February 6, 2009. N.J. court affirms free speech rights of giant inflatable rat.
February 6, 2009. Bill Gates unleashes swarm of malaria-infested mosquitoes on crowd as part of twisted science experiment.
February 6, 2009. Don’t crush those teeth, hand me the pliers!
February 5, 2009. Drunken pilots have party on Aeroflot flight; can’t understand what all the fuss is about.
February 5, 2009. Christian Bale says on-stage hissy fit just a publicity stunt.
February 3, 2009. Illinois troopers forcibly remove Blagojevich from governor’s mansion.
January 30, 2009. Texas woman finds wallet with $600 cash; decides to just keep it.
January 29, 2009. Ancient depiction of Charlie Brown found carved in Kentucky boulder.
January 27, 2009. Idiot of the week: NY Congressman Pete King wants to ban silent cellphone cameras.
January 26, 2009. Michigan postal worker unable to deliver mail; dumps it in her garage.
January 25, 2009. Goat hangs itself in Calgary zoo. SAD likely cause of sad incident.
January 24, 2009. Weather Dog now joins AITS staff - permanently.
January 23, 2009. Hordes of melon-headed bikers descend on Nigeria after receiving contest email.
January 22, 2009. Totally hot contestant makes first cut on American Idol, despite her complete inability to sing.
January 21, 2009. Obamas move into White House, find it a complete mess.
January 19, 2009. N.D. town wants to air bar brawls on local cable channel.
January 17, 2009. Solar flares delay digital TV changeover date.
January 15, 2009. Poo-flinging monkey runs amok in Tampa area. Residents warned to stay inside.
January 12, 2009. Joe the Plumber taken hostage by Hezbollah, released when captors realize nobody cares.
January 12, 2009. Michael Jackson not ill, just exhausted from constant life on the run.
January 9, 2009. NY man wants ex-wife to give donated kidney back; plans to give it to girlfriend.
January 8, 2009. Minnesota Vikings expected to move to Iowa in 2011.
January 6, 2009. RIAA “really sorry” about all the lawsuits; hopes music buyers will come back soon.
January 4, 2009. Boy Scout finally earns all 121 merit badges.
2008
December 30, 2008. Arizona man’s New Year’s resolution is to stop making New Year’s resolutions.
December 30, 2008. Visitor numbers down at Sen. Craig’s MSP airport bathroom; local tourism officials concerned.
December 29, 2008. Couple discover 20K worth of cocaine hidden in worthless paintings on Antiques Roadshow.
December 26, 2008. Crowds stampede Maryland Wal-Mart in rush to return crappy, unwanted gifts.
December 24, 2008. Beverly Hills plastic surgeon recycles liposuction fat as biodiesel.
December 21, 2008. Florida evangelical church plans to out alleged “immoral” women,
December 20, 2008. Our first AITS holiday party. The torture never stops.
December 17, 2008. Forbes survey ranks U.S. states by gullibility of residents.
December 16, 2008. Creepy 29-year-old Illinois man poses as ninth grader to enter spelling bee.
December 15, 2008. Some Russian guy just trademarked the :) emoticon. We’re all screwed now.
December 15, 2008. President Bush tours DSW store in Baghdad; visit goes awry as shoppers pelt him with shoes.
December 13, 2008. For lack of a better idea, RV manufacturer donates unsold motor homes to Habitat for Humanity.
December 12, 2008. Camel meat to replace kangaroo as Australian national dish.
December 10, 2008. Listmania: Entertaining things to do while bored in a tourist town.
December 8, 2008. 350 pound man wants to be first lard-ass couch-potato to climb Everest.
December 7, 2008. Michigan’s Upper Peninsula secedes from The United States out of sheer boredom.
December 4, 2008. UK stable worker finally admits to long-running affair with horse. Owner not amused.
December 3, 2008. Ohio State Univ. frathouse hires prostitute; sells raffle tickets on Craigslist.
December 2, 2008. Adult entertainment industry seeking government bailout money.
December 1, 2008. Idaho to close highways for winter in desperate cost-cutting move.
November 29, 2008. Wisconsin radio station truck contest ended after 7 month stalemate, pregnancy.
November 29, 2008. West Virginia man lives out David Allan Coe country song in one day.
November 26, 2008. Lost NASA toolbag expected to reenter earth’s atmosphere “within a few days.”
November 25, 2008. N.J. man gives up exec job to pursue lifelong dream as zamboni driver.
November 24, 2008. Andy Rooney finally discovers new electronic gadget he actually likes.
November 23, 2008. Nebraska Butt Bandit finally caught; townsfolk can come back out now.
November 23, 2008. Fried food trade group launches ad blitz; attempts to reverse lagging market share.
November 19, 2008. GM CEO vows to take “Aldi Challenge” in heroic gesture of personal sacrifice.
November 17, 2008. Extreme Makeover Home Edition builds new house for kooky cat lady and her 200 kitties.
November 14, 2008. In quest of a refrigerator for AITS headquarters.
November 11, 2008. Image of Jesus on toast turns out to be Zig-Zag man. Ebay bids continue anyway.
November 9, 2008. News of Kim Jong-Il’s demise premature; North Korean leader turns up alive and well in Florida.
November 7, 2008. Ford Motor Co. up for sale; CEO would consider trade for “a bunch of Google stock.”
November 6, 2008. Maynard’s big Fleet Farm adventure.
November 5, 2008. Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay visits the Colonel; major hissy-fit ensues.
November 3, 2008. Saddam Hussein’s yacht up for sale; turns out to be big heap of shit.
October 31, 2008. N.Y. tourism Internet portal helps visitors locate rats.
October 30, 2008. Zoo dog trained to give CPR to other animals.
October 29, 2008. Listmania: some of our favorite weirdo one-hit wonders.
October 25, 2008. AITS boss throws staff Halloween party. Hilarity does not ensue.
October 24, 2008. A playlist for your recession-era musical enjoyment.
October 22, 2008. India launches first moon rocket; minor in-flight glitch occurs.
October 21, 2008. British folk-rockers Jethro Tull plan 2009 North American busking tour.
October 18, 2008. One big happy fambly at Alligators In The Sewer.
October 14, 2008. Huge meteor crashes into furniture warehouse. Great deals on remaining merchandise.
October 12, 2008. Tina’s cousin’s excellent wedding adventure.
October 9, 2008. Finnish hackers access ATF servers, download U.S. firearms sales records.
October 7, 2008. Virgin Mary appears etched on Mass. hospital window.
October 7, 2008. Desperate Somali pirates resort to eBay in hopes of scoring ransom bounty.
October 5, 2008. Here comes Halloween, our favorite holiday season.
October 2, 2008. Every time we leave the door open something strange wanders in.
September 21, 2008. New freeway bridge unveiled in Minneapolis.
September 10, 2008. That holiday shopping season is almost upon us.
September 5, 2008. Last RNC protester rounded up in St. Paul.
September 1, 2008. Some fundamental truths.
August 22, 2008. Religious idiot seeks blessing from crocodile; gets eaten for his trouble.
August 19, 2008. Twin Cities Barbies.
August 11, 2008. Worst musical dreck of the ’70s.
(Articles with dates shown in red are AITS staff feature articles - little snapshots of life at AITS headquarters.)
