Alligators In The Sewer - Meet Our Staff And Advisors

A brief insight into the dysfunctional characters who inhabit the dysfunctional world of Alligators In The Sewer. A motley collection of idiotic misfits and cunning linguists.

Norm. Editor in Chief and Director of Advertising. In charge of all operations and brainchild behind the breakthrough technology of subliminal online advertising methods used exclusively at AITS. Renowned for his tempestuous demeanor and penchant for throwing things with little or no provocation. Yells and rants a lot. Earned the nickname “Stormin’ Norman.” Is fairly bright, though you’d never know it by the idiotic way he acts most of the time and his minimal hygienic abilities. Rarely goes home weeknights and sleeps on the couch in the front lobby. Hides beer from the rest of us at AITS.

Gordy. Senior Staff Writer at AITS. Has trouble with subjective pronouns, often switching back and forth between the singular “I” and the plural “we” stance in his various writings. Our readers never know who is talking. Lays bets on just about anything, and almost always loses said bets, usually to Maynard. Moonlights weekends in the summer by driving an ice cream truck. Frequently discusses various schemes, like his wild-ass plan to break into Norm’s beer stash, if only Norm would go home once in a while. Gordy has boundary issues.

Tina. Staff Writer at AITS. Relatively new to online journalism, she is destined to pick up some of Gordy’s bad writing habits if she’s not careful. Hopefully she will develop her own style while ignoring Gordy’s half-baked ideas. Never seems to mind being the only girl at AITS and can hold her own quite well. Not afraid of Norm, though probably should be, in the interest of safety. Has lots of strange, redneck relatives living somewhere in Nebraska. Tina doesn’t discuss them much. Occasionally beats up Gordy out of nothing but mere boredom. Hates cameras, particularly when pointed at her. (Not the most flattering picture of her, though she does look quite hittable in a French maid outfit. Trust us on that.)

Phil Usher. A recent addition to the AITS staff, Phil is our field correspondent, covering all the twisted events around the nation when we’re too lazy or apathetic to send out one of our local idiots. Phil criss-crosses the country at random, sleeping in his car and living off ramen noodles and those nasty little tins of Vienna sausages. He’s always looking for trouble and usually finds it. Phil has been busted for vagrancy more times than any of us care to remember, and when he’s not being chased out of some town, he phones in with news of the latest stupid story he has stumbled across. Once in a while he even writes an article, though it’s usually peppered with his atrocious spelling and grammar. It gives Norm fits. We’d like to tell you where Phil is heading next, but he refuses to give his location. Probably best that way. He could be anywhere. Maybe driving down your street.

Maynard the Phone Boy. AITS GoFer.  Simply wandered in the door unannounced and uninvited one day a couple summers ago. And wouldn’t leave. We’ve put him to good use ever since. In charge of answering the phone (duh!), cleaning the shitter, keeping the printer and copier loaded with toner and paper. Also sent on runs for doughnuts, sushi takeout,  sammiches, beer, and whatever else we want him to fetch. Tasked with the feeding and care of Bug. We don’t pay him a salary (shhhhh! don’t tell the local labor dept!), though we let him keep the change from the errands we send him on, and we feed him. Plus he rakes in a tidy sum from constantly winning Gordy’s ill-conceived bets. Possibly has a very small amount of brain damage, though we can’t be sure.

Bug. AITS mascot and pest-control specialist. Like Maynard, he (we think it’s a “he” anyway) wandered in the door without warning one day. He’s been an indoor cat and fixture at AITS ever since. Useful for catching the various bugs (hence his name), mice, and anything else that scurries about the floor of the AITS newsroom and offices. Despises Norm for no apparent reason other than pure instinct. Trained by us to use an ersatz litter box fashioned out of an empty Budweiser carton. Now inadvertently conditioned to shit in any beer carton left lying around. Occasionally craps in Norm’s shoes.

Weather Dog. AITS Inclement Weather Alert Specialist - yet he doesn’t know it. Weather Dog is actually the guard dog at the metal recycling shop which shares the building we rent. Any time the sky looks threatening or some kind of precipitation starts to fall, that wussy dog starts howling and we can hear it through the walls. Scares the shit out of Bug. We then report this to you on the Weather Dog page to keep you up-to-date with the rapidly changing weather conditions in the area. Cheaper than hiring a meteorologist, and probably just as reliable.

Update: The metal recycling shop suddenly closed up and Weather Dog was left behind. He now stays with us, in AITS HQ. We’ve named him Bill. He is in good hands now.

Erik the Creepy IT Guy. Our latest addition to the Alligators In The Sewer staff. Due to the necessity of us maintaining our threadbare (and generally shitty) computer networks at AITS HQ, and the fact we don’t want to pay out much more in staffing costs, we ended up with this guy. Erik smells bad, wears the same thrift-shop clothes every day and possesses virtually no social skills whatsoever. Often heard mumbling to himself. But he works cheap, does an OK job, and doesn’t drink on the job…much. Erik also provides Tina with one more source of cruel entertainment (besides beating up Gordy) as she delights in taunting the poor schlub every time he drops in to update the anti-virus programs on our newsroom PCs. Gordy, Maynard and Norm have already started an office pool to wager on when Erik is going to snap. Kevlar vests, anyone?

Misc. We also hire temp cleaning people and a few ghost-writers from time to time, as the need arises (don’t send us any resumes - we have enough semi-literate half-wits in this place already). We won’t bother with the details of those poor souls as they usually don’t last long enough to leave any kind of impression on us. Typically a day or less. Often seen running from the building with looks of horror on their faces.